"And, the finalist in the National Orchestrative Competitions is, are, the Denton ISD, McMath Middle School orchestra!"
  As a cheer swelled up from the crowd, trumpets began their deafening blare.
  "McMath will represent the great state of Texas in Miami on June 7th."

  Unfortunately on June 1st, Mrs. Braumbaugh was called for jury duty, so they had to get a stand-in conductor. As luck would have it, Mr. Heirnurshtinfaus, a world-renowned Russian conductor, was in town rehearsing a happy dance. Mrs. Braumbaugh didn't have to leave until the 4th. As a result, she was able to conduct until they left for Miami on the 3rd.

  As the first violins began their two-octave scale, the sweat from Paul LeMaire's neck finally began to slicken the chin-rest on his viola. As Paul began playing in third position, the instrument shot out from under his chin. It sailed over Jennifer and April, grazed Mason's head and then bounced off the podium. It then went shooting through the air at a frightful speed, nailing the bassman, Tyler Browder, square in the forehead. He collapsed right then and there, but the bass, luckily, leaned against the wall and didn't fall. The cellos immediately stopped playing, witnessing such an event. Paul was the only viola who stopped, for his instrument was now in eighteen pieces in various places in the practice hall. During a metsoforte arpesio, the second violins began to notice that the bassman was unconscious. However, the violas and firsts never gave a second thought to the fact that the bass, cello, and second violin sections weren't playing.
  "Sthop, sthop, sthop!" Mr. Heirnurshtinfaus shouted. "Theh bess ees on zeh floorrrrrrrrr! Vhat hhappened?"
  "Browder just can't take the pressure." Robbie called. "He's a wuss."
  "C-hall an hambulance, Misterrrrrrrrrrr. Grrrrreerrrrrrrrrr!"
  "Yeah, yeah," Robbie left the room as the practice continued.

  Meanwhile...
  "Give me 80 C.C's. of Pendroxide, stat, clear!"
  "Still no pulse."
  "Clear!"
  "Still nothing."
  "Raise it to 100 C.C's. of Pendroxide, clear!"
  "We're losing'em, Doctor."
  "Ok, 130 C.C's. of Pendroxide, clear!"
  "Nothing."
  "No, no-umm, 200 C.C's. of Pendroxide, clear, clear, clear!"
  "He's gone, Doctor."
  "Oh dear. Inform his parents, and prep the buffet table. This cheese wheel is ours!"
  "Attention all personnel, the cheese transfer was unsuccessful. We're still having cheddar on our sub sandwiches today."
  "You have a patient, Doctor."
  "Aaaaaahhh," Dr. Bob McBob looked over at Tyler Browder's unconscious body.
  "What happened to him, Nurse?"
  "He's one of those McMath kids. A violamala knocked him out cold."
  "Give me 20 C.C's. of Caffeine, stat, clear!"
  "Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" Tyler shot straight up to the ceiling. "Wow, thanks Doc I feel real great. You know that that really hurt when I got hit, but now I'm not, because you gave me the Caffeine, and I am glad-ja did, Doc." he inhaled. "Because if you didn't, I'd be dead-rsomethin'. Oh, I feel like I could run around the world think I will! Thanks again Doc I'll just run back to the practice hall, seeya!!!!"

  Within three seconds, Tyler was back in the practice hall. However, the practice was long over, and it was ten at night.
  "Who wants to play, you, you, you?" Tyler looked around in the darkness, his Caffeine causing abnormal hallucinations. "From the top, doo, dun, duh, dundeedoobrumpapumdedundodledodledodledodledodledodledoo, berrum, pumpum, bumbedibumbedibumbedibum, bubum, perrumpipumpipumpipum, perrrrum, all right! Everyone, let's go to Win Dixie, every day!!!"

  Holy crap! What was, oh, the arlamalarm. Robbie had forgotten that Paul had set the alarm to: "Blood-curdling scream." As Robbie got up, he undid the rollaway that Paul was sleeping in.
  "Aaaaah!" Paul shouted as the bed contracted. "What time is it?"
  "It's 5:00." Robbie said through clenched teeth. "I never, unless for a very good reason, never get up at 5:00."
  "Where's Browder?" Paul asked, struggling out of the roll-away.
  "Still at the hospital, I guess."
  (This is where I come in.)

  Henry Patterson, the Clower's grandfather, had inhaled antifreeze up his nose while examining an engine at his shop. So instead of a trip to Miami, Stephen and John Clower had to go and make sure their grandfather was going to pull through. However, Stephen screamed and pouted like a hissy little baby, and thus, he was able to go with the orchestra. But John, hee hee hee, was forced to go to Louisiana. Presently, John, hee hee hee, was watching the weather channel, and-a niblin' on a potato chip.
  "There's a strong circulation in the western Gulf of Mexico just west, I mean East of De La Queso, Mexico. At the moment, this system seems overly confident, in a sense, so that as it moves out over cooler waters, its chances of further development will diminish rapidly. If this system did take on more tropical characteristics, it would be the second tropical depression of the season. And now, back to the studios with Raoul."
  John, hee hee hee, checked the time. Just about half past five. He'd call Miami at seven.

  Tyler woke up. A bright beam of sunlight pierced the blackened vision that was the room. He blinked, rubbed his eyes and then noticed that he was not in his hotel room, but in the practice hall. He remembered seeing a viola coming at him at a "frightful" speed and then blackness. Then a swirl of events: Caffeine, perrumpipum, worm-heads-oh, the worm-heads.
  "Aaah, Misterr Brrrrowderrr!" Mr. Heirnurshtinfaus startled Tyler. "Arre you hrready forr zeh prractic-hink?"
  "No, no, no!" Tyler bolted for the exit. "He-yiyuh, huh-onzipucheilmn, uh ha!!"
  "I ghuess hhe nheeds morre prrrrahctice!"

  "Phone call, phone call, pick-it-up, pick-it-up!" Paul slowly lifted the receiver to his ear.
  "Hello?"
  "Hey, Paul, 'tis John. Listen boy, there's a tropical storm off the coast of De La Queso, Mexico. It's heading East/Northeast at 17 MPH. And--"
  "I know, I saw the report. So what?"
  "I've calcumalated that the storm will reach the coast of Florida in two days, and it's strengthening rapidly. You need to tell the others."
  "If a storm did hit, we would get plenty of warning."
  "I know that the National Hurricane Center is there, but I've already called. They're monitoring a more threatening storm off the coast of North Carolina. Hurricane Al is hitting that area in one day, but Bob may prove more devastating if it goes unmonitored."
  "Please deposit twenty-five cents."
  "You're on a pay phone?"
  "Maybe."
  "Your call will now be disconnected."
  "Crapcrapcrap!" a click met Paul's ear, as the line was severed.

  Meanwhile...
  "Nho, nho, Masohn!" Heirnurshtinfaus shouted. "Yhou arrre nhot crescending the crescendo! Oh yhou eediut!!"
  "Shut up, Heirturshtinwuss!"
  "That's Heirnurshtinfaus, Boris Heirnurshtinfaus III. You think that you're the best of your kind, but--"
  "Where's your accent?" Paul asked.
  "Mhy achcent," Heirnurshtinfaus turned red. "Castro, they know too much. Send in the robots."
  "Crap!" Paul shouted, raising his viola case in defense. "Holy crap!"
  Throughout the room, large, red'nblue robots burst through the walls, raising bright green lasers towards the orchestra.
  "Nhow yhou vill phay, heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!"
  "We are the communist robots!" they shouted, advancing slowly. "Fidel Castro is our leader. Fur coats for all! Do you know the muffin man? Oh, where is my hairbrush? Oh where is my hair brush, oh where-oh-where-oh-where-oh-where!"
  "No, no, no, that infernal noise, aaaahhh!" Paul shouted. "Make it stop, no!"
  "Where, is my hairbrush!" the robots raised an appendage, each with a shimmering port and fired.
  "The place is about to blow'nexplode'nstuff!" Robbie shouted.
  Red, blue, and "pretty purple" lasers darted around the room. When it came in contact with any human matter, they were instantly killed. As Robbie dodged another barrage of laser fire, he saw numerous bodies falling like brain cells inside a Browder's noggin after a healthy sniff of glue.
  "Robert Greer," the robots lowered their laser fire, "you will now aid us in our attempt at world conquest. You, Roberto de Greerro, will---"
  Robbie glanced around. RJ Regenold, April Long, Marie Pimento, and Forrest Jones were left standing.
  "Khill zhem!" Heirnurshtinfaus shouted. "Zhey knhow thoo mhutch!"
  With the lasers poised, the robots surrounded the five still standing.
  "Firing sequence will commence!" the robots droned.
  Almost instantly, Pimento and Jones dropped to the ground, lifeless. Robbie dove past RJ, and used the body of Paul LeMaire as a shield against the fire. He snaked his way through the bodies and made it to the entrance. Just as he was about to bolt for the exit of the building, a bright red laser nailed him in the chest, instantly dissolving his heart and lungs. He joined the corpses that littered the practice hall.

  Regenold lay there, faking his death. He guessed that April had done the same or had been killed herself. As he lay there, he imagined what it would be like, he being the only survivor while all of his friends died and that he did nothing about it. RJ decided to try and avenge their deaths. He noticed a fallen bow lying nearby. He ever so cautiously seized it and slowly raised his head. He saw a robot with its back to him. RJ aimed and chunked it at its head. The bow immediately snapped in two. RJ knew he'd been found out, but he didn't care. He got to his feet and began beating the robot over the head with a music stand.
  "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow," it droned on, "that hurts, you freak."
  "Hoh, nho, Rhegenhold ees sthill alhive, kheel hheem!"
  "No, no, no!!!!!!" RJ shouted, as best he could, as broad beams of light tore into him.
  "Kheel hheem, kheel hheem!" Heirnurshtinfaus shouts echoed in RJ'S mind as the room went black.
  "Kill him!" Robbie shouted. "Go, on, yeah, kill him! Woooooooooo!! Yeah, kill the weasel!"
  RJ opened his eyes. It was all a dream... Or was it?
  "Wow!" RJ leapt from the hotel bed. "It's "Whomp the Weasel!" I had this weird dr---"
  "Shut up!" Paul shouted. "Robbie's about to whomp a weasel!"
  The phone rang.
  "Listen you little--" Paul said quickly.
  "Paul," 'twas Marli. "Heirnurshtinfaus rescheduled the practice to 11:00. Pass the "word" along."
  "Ok." Paul hung up the phone. "Whomp the Weasel!!!"

  Sir George Montague Thaddeus Veorgen, Georgie Reorgie for short, scaled the cloud tops of Hurricane Bob.
  "Veorgen to Benji, Veorgen to Benji."
  "Benji here, Veorgen. Status?"
  "I'm getting a pressure of 971 millibars and dropping. Winds are averagin' about a maximum of one o'five MPH. I'm working on the forward mo--tion--"
  "Benji to Veorgen, we're losing your signal."
  "Dow-bur-, down-urst."
  "Downbursts?"
  "Yes, they-re lo-ing a-do."
  "Benji to Parker."
  "Parker here."
  "Veorgen's coming down. Can you contact him?"
  "Parker to Veorgen."
  "Yes, Parker?"
  "Hurricane Center says you need to get out of there."
  "I copy you, Parker."
  "He's got the message, Benji."
  "Should we rank it up to a category three?"
  "Not enough wind."
  "Dern it!"

  As measure 703 came near, Bill Williams, the stand-in violist, felt nausea overtake him. He began sweating, and he missed several slurrrrrs that he should have nailed. With nausea overwhelming him, he collapsed and slammed into Paul's chair, which caused Paul to sway dangerously to the left, which knocked over the bass stand. Realizing that a stand was about to smash him in the head, Phillip leaned away, the scroll of his cello knocking Ashley in the face. Instinctively, Ashley's bow went off the string and towards the object that had hit her. Since Phillip's cello had hit her, her aim was off. And as a result, the bow broke over Forrest's head. Forrest pitched forward, knocking the stand and the music to the ground. Heirnurshtinfaus, who was correcting Lauren Wick, slid on the music, and began swinging around and around with one leg in the air. Although he soon regained his balance, he managed to knock a first and second violin stand to the side. Both occupants of both stands reached for the stands. Their violins slammed together, which caused them to fly out of their owners' hands, all of which knocked Matt Messer unconscious. His stand partner was also knocked, but not unconscious. She dropped her violin, and it was kicked by another second violinist. It slid through the section, and came to rest right in front of Heirnurshtinfaus, who was once again correcting Lauren Wick. He tripped over the violin, which made him trip over a first violin stand, which knocked the stand in front of it, which knocked the stand in front of it, and so forth. As this was occurring, the batonamanon sailed through the air and came to rest in RJ Regenold's forehead. He immediately stood up, sending both his violin and bow flying. His bow snapped over Robbie Greer's head, while his violin knocked three second violinists unconscious. As a result of Robbie Greer's anguish, his viola had collided with Rachel Trammell, giving her temporary amnesia. Finally, the song ended.
  "Hooh bhoy." Heirnurshtinfaus was still sprawled on the floor. "Hoh vell, bhetter zhan lhast prac-htice."

  It was now 8:47 PM on June 5th. Presently, the orchestra was out at a local Mexican restaurant: Senor Queso's Queso Casa.
  "Bensuior, Mensiorn." A fat, Mexican waiter addressed the group. "How many?"
  "Thirty-four!"
  "Ah, vhat ever." The waiter retorted. "You cannot fhool me!" The waiter immediately pulled out a handgun.
  "You have fhooled me for the last time!" He drew the gun. "And now, you must all dhie!"
  "Oh no, God! Oh my God!" Several girls began shouting frantically.
  "Thhat is rhight!" The waiter shouted. "You will die... For these unbelievable offers! Chicken ala queso, just $2.99. Whenever have you seen such a deal?"
  "Where's our table." Phillip said in a flat tone. "Show us to our table, now!"
  "Oh mamamia, loco mosquito, ok, ok, right, right, this way, oh scary."

  Robbie glanced at RJ.
  "Whatcha gettin'?" Robbie asked. "Huh, huh, whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat, what!"
  "I'm getting the Queso Alfredo." RJ answered. "And you?"
  "Oh, I was just asking." Robbie eyed the menu. "Oh a colossal Queso Casa Casino Burrito looks good. It's nineteen bucks! I'm not sure if it's really a colossal whatever or what, but I'm gonna get it anyway!"
  "Attention, attention!" Tyler shouted. "Ha, ha. I was just seeing if you'd shut up if I told you to. It looks like all of you are followers of the Browder. I am the Browder you follow me."
  "We follow Browder." The orchestra chanted. "Tyler Browder. We have no life, thus we revolve ours around someone who is just as big a nerd as we. We, we, we, we follow Browder. Browder, Browder, we follow Tyler Browder."
  "Your dinner is-a served." the waiter balanced thirty-four platters as he passed them out.
  "Alright!" Robbie shouted.
  "Seh time is 9:23 you have two hhours, you little punks, I mean ghuests!" the waiter gave Tyler the evil eye and then left shouting. "Ay, welcome to Senor Queso's Queso Casa! I am Senor Queso, I am fat, yes yes!"
  "I propose a toast!" Lauren Wick stood up. "Hee hee, umm, hee, hee!"
  "Cheers!" thirty-four glasses clinked.
  However, in the case of Mason Hickman, Forrest Jones, and Robbie Greer, the glasses shattered.
  "That was possibly the worst toast I've ever heard." Phillip laughed.
  Just then, Mason Hickman's cell phone rang.
  "Hello," He listened. "Catch."
  Robbie and RJ jumped clear off their chairs, flew over the table, and smashed into the chandelier, but Robbie came up with the phone. "Hello?"
  "Aaaaah, crap!" Robbie cursed under his breath. "It's only John. Oh, I mean, what?"
  "There is a huge hurricane that's beginning to head in your direction. Stay alert. Oh look at that, oh boy!"
  "What, what, what!" Robbie shouted impatiently.
  "Oh, umm, you see, there are two other hurricanes that have formed around Louisiana, and they are about to hit. Hey wait, I'm in Louisiana. Oh well. Bob, you know, the hurricane that's coming at you, well it's gonna hit in three days. Warnings have been issued for your area, but they are only tropical storm warnings. That thing's moving in fast. I think you need to get out of there. Oh crap, Space Ghost's on. Umm, bye hope you don't die, byebye!"
  "Who was it?" Paul asked.
  "John and something about a hurricane. Let's eat!" He threw the phone at Mason's head, knocking him out, and then returned to his seat.

  John snatched the car keys from the counter.
  "Mom!" John shouted. "I'm taking the car out for a spin. I'll be back in a week. Bye!"
  "Ok." His mom briefly glanced over at John, as he headed out the door.
  John got in the car and then hesitated.
  "Oh yeah, I can't drive, and plus I can barely see." He turned the key. "Oh well. I'll fake it. If anyone asks, I'm the governor!"
  "Oh!" he fiddled with some of the buttons. "Oo, Frankie Valli. Neat-o Tostido. Duh, dun, duh, Shary, Shary Baby. Shaaaaaaaaaaaaary, ba-aby, duh-doo, doo, doo. Yeah!"

  Just after they were all kicked out of the Queso Casa, Mason, Marli, Tyler, Lauren Wick, Rachel, and Leah went to the longest movie playing: The Sun Stands Still, literally. It was a four-hour feature that wouldn't let out until 2:45 AM. Tyler was tricked into going, but he went regardless. In the meantime, the rest of the orchestra went to an all-night carnival.
  "Farris wheel!" Robbie shouted. "Let's go on the Farris wheel!"
  "Cooool!" RJ gaped in astonishment. "A giant economy-sized soccer ball. Robbie, we gotta win it."
  "Yes, we do." Robbie and RJ marched off towards the Throw a Wombat, Win A Prize booth.

  "Aaaaaaahhhhh!" John swerved through downtown New York City. "What am I doing here? This isn't Mississippi! I made a wrong turn somewhere. Hey, I'm going at ninety. That must be ninety KPH, not MPH. Oh well. Let me check the map. I can't read this! Hey, that might explain why I am where I am. Cooooool, I'm about to drive through a wall-swerve, swerve. A taxi, watch out Dr. Telephone Pole! No, no, oo, that's going to hurt come winter. No, I hate this! Ok, aaaaaaaaahhhhh!"
  John pulled on the breaks, which was the only component he'd learned to use, and crashed into the governor's mansion.
  "Hey, Boy!" A huge cop came out of nowhere and grabbed John by the wrists. "What you doin' boy?!"
  "I ain't seen no'n, G!" John shouted. "You coppas, be trippin'. Whatever that means."
  "Where do you live, son?" The cop demanded. "Duh hood?"
  "Yeah, mmmmmman." John thought where the orchestra was last. "My hood be in Miami, Florida."
  "Sir, do you have money for bus-fare?" The cop asked sternly.
  "I got 'nough change fo' duh plane. Betcha think I'm insane!" John shouted. "My car be shaking, walls it be breaking. Wih' duh---"
  "Hand over the money, kid." The cop began fishing out his gun.
  "Fine!" John gave him $200. "Give me a lift to the ay po', fo' I start rappin' again. Hee, hee, hee!"
  "No, no, ok, get in the car, hurry!" The cop flipped over the car and came in through the sunroof. "Let's go!"
  "Excellent." John murmured. "Hey, Frankie Valli! Turn it up!"
  "Or what?" The cop looked nervous.
  "Oh, well..." John shouted, "I be livin' in duh hood since ninety-tree. I'm not sure I need-a lobotomy. Windows and doors make up the universe. Now listen foo, 'cause I'm about to curse. Well a ----- and a ------ went ----- with ----. Well the ----- ----- could never ---- like a ------. Oh yeah!"
  "Ok, ok, here, here, here it is!" He cranked the volume up on high.
  "Excellent." The car sped off to the airport, as the hurricane continued to brew in the Gulf.

  Tyler stumbled into the room. Robbie was still up playing Whomp the Weasel.
  "Herrobbie, oh, wha'a par'y!" Tyler stumbled. "Heh, Robbie, ca'you seh duh spo's?"
  "You're drunk!" Robbie jumped up. "Cool! Browder's drunk!"
  "Par'y all the time, la, doo, oo!" Tyler collapsed.
  "Hey!" Robbie shoved Tyler into the bathroom and slammed the door. Then he ran to the phone.
  He called every single room, twelve besides their own, and woke up every single person in the orchestra to spread the word about Tyler being drunk, and thus, the possibility of a hangover. He found out that Lauren Wick, Mason, and Rachel were just as drunk as Tyler. Marli had told Robbie that it was "some party" after the movie. Robbie immediately hung up, not wanting to know more. afterwards he stole Paul's car and drove to Atlanta where he stole $100 from a used toilet paper store. Then, he drove back, drove Paul's car off a pier, and made it back just in time for the 3:00 AM news.

  John looked at the plane. It was a plane, that's for sure. He ran on the plane, using his cane of course, and "accidentally" sat in first class.
  "Pardon me, my good man," a skinny Englishman said sternly, "but I do believe that you are in my seat."
  "Ah," John resituated himself and handed the man a $100 bill, "seat N-20."
  "Oh." The man frowned. "Very well."
  "Hey!" John began reclining and declining in his seat. "All right! Who needs anything else. Woooooooooo!!!!!!"
  "Attention, all passengers," a voice with a fake British accent said flatly, "My name is Stuart Griffin, but you can call me sire. I have placed a bomb on the wing of the plane. My mummy and datty will try to stop me, but they can't, and neither can you!"
  "Stewy!" a cartoonish woman ran from the cabin.
  "Freaks!" John shouted, his chair still swinging back and forth. "Hey, I'm getting a little dizzy. I think I'll stop."
  "Wienies, getcha wienies here!" A fat lady came waddling down the aisle.
  "Oh!" John fished out a $50. "I'll take all you got."
  "That's two hundred wienies, boy!" She warned. "They've been reported to be a bit expired, and I wouldn't want a law suit that could-"
  "Give me the veiner schnitzels!" John shouted.
  "Here, you little freak." She slammed the platter of wienies down on the tray and left.

  Two hundred wienies, eight Dr. Peppers, and three stomach pumps later, John arrived in Miami. He managed to make it over to the hotel around 3:00... AM.
  "Yes, how can I help you?" A large man asked.
  "Oh yeah," John looked up, "where is the McMath Middle School orchestra staying?"
  "Rooms 715 through 730, sir." The man watched as John tippitippitapped his way to the elevator.
  "Hey!" John shouted inside the elevator. "What happens when I press this button marked: "RAPID MOVEMENT?" Oh no!"
  The elevator began shooting up and down the shaft really really fast, slamming John against the walls and occasionally the ceiling of the elevator. Finally it stopped, and John got out on the seventh floor.
  "Hmmmm." John glanced at the room numbers designated by the fat guy at the desk. "Which one do I knock on first."
  He decided to go from lowest to highest. He kicked at the first door.
  "What!" A voice shouted from inside. "Whose there!"
  "Umm," John talked in his Reverend BigDawg voice, "it's Reverend, Reverend BigDawg."
  "John," he recognized it as Lauren Wick's voice, "go to Hell!"
  "Crap." John moved on to the next room.
  "Hey!" He knocked, knocked, knocked, on wood.
  "What!" Another shrill shout met his ear. "Damn it, we're trying to sleep!"
  "It's John!" John shouted back.
  "Go to Hell, John!" He recognized this voice as Nicole's.
  "Believe me, you're not the only one who wishes I would!"
  Every time he knocked on a door, each member of the orchestra told him to go to Hell. Just then, Robbie came running up the stairs.
  "What are you doin' here, John?" He asked.
  "Well," John cracked his tired knuckles, "after I tell y'all about the strengthening hurricane, I think I'm going to Hell. As requested by Lauren Wick, Nicole Taylor, Mason Hickman, Rachel Trammell, Marie Piñata, Christa Young, Marli something, Anne Marie Mulkey, and I think that's about it."
  "Wow." Robbie walked down to room 730. "You should've gone to this one. Oh, if Paul asks about his car, someone else totaled it, ok?"
  "Well," John frowned, "I kind-a smashed in the rear-view mirror last week, but I'm sure he won't mind."
  "He won't." Robbie unlocked the room. "You can sleep on the floor."
  "Fine by me." John laid down and quickly went to sleep.

  When Paul awoke, the first thing he heard were curses and shouts from a third of the orchestra. He opened the door to see John barreling down the hall with about eight or nine people from their orchestra running behind him. Paul glanced at the clock and saw that it was barely 7:00.
  "Close the door!" John slid in, and Paul slammed the door behind him. "Woo, heh, heh, crazies."
  "What did you do?" Paul asked.
  "Nothing, nothing at all!" John shouted. "So I got'em up at 4:00 in the morning, is that such a crime?"
  "Well..." Paul sat down. "See, most of those people's who was chasin' you were girls, and girls absolutely hate it when they're woken up earlier than noon. It's a law. So, I suggest you head back to Louisiana. Quick, while the current's still flowin' to the west! Leroy the pizza vender will give you a lift to the nearest bus depot."
  "I do have a car." John kicked Tyler, who was still asleep. "I'll leave tomorrow. I must see how the violas are holding up."

  The door fell in, as the seven previously mentioned began kicking and slapping at anything that moved.
  "Aaaaaaaaah!" Tyler shot up, as a kick from Lauren and Marli sent him flying up against a wall.
  It was complete chaos, as the maiming and the hurting with the blood and the gore continued. RJ was kicked out the door in the confusion, with John, Tyler, Robbie, and Paul still inside. RJ watched as Robbie was flung about like a scrawny puny little girly man. Paul, being shorter than anyone else, was trampled by Mason, Rachel, and Anne Marie. Tyler tried fighting them off and was being beaten up by Lauren Wick and Rachel Trammell. John, early on, had been rammed straight through a window. Magically however, there was a balcony, and thus he wasn't killed. Hee, hee, hee.

  As the dust cloud dissolved, RJ and John reentered. Paul lay barely conscious, every limb dislocated. Tyler sat on the floor, numerous cuts and scrapes bleeding along his face. RJ couldn't see Robbie but soon found him hiding in the toilet. Luckily, the toilet hadn't been used... Recently. Lauren and Anne Marie stood behind one of the beds, waiting for RJ and John to notice. Marli, Mason, and Rachel were knocked out cold and lying at various points in the room. Nicole and Marie stood in the hall, awaiting the same as Lauren and Anne Marie. RJ looked up and then screamed like a little girl, as Lauren and Marie began shmacking him upside his head. John, hee hee hee, for some "odd" reason, was able to get out into the hall before Nicole and Anne Marie could shmack him upside his head. He watched as RJ was crushed and maimed about the room. Then, from out of nowhere, a kung fu master hurled himself over John's "fat" head and into the room.
  "These girls, beating you up, they are!" He shouted at RJ. "Taking care of, I will."
  "Hey!" Robbie leapt out of the toilet, dripping. "You're crossing the line there, buddy."
  "Girls beating up little boy, I beat up girls." The kung fu master said flatly. "No problem there."
  "I can eat more mayonnaise than you!" Robbie challenged.
  "Laugh at you, I do!" The kung fu master began laughing and laughing at Robbie.
  "Ever hear of Bob McBob," Robbie grinned, "the mayonnaise-eating world champion?"
  "Yes!" The kung fu master shouted. "How dare you insult his name! I challenge you to a mayonnaise-eating contest. Right now!"
  As luck would have it, Nicole, Marie, and Tyler all had two jars of piping-hot mayonnaise on-hand.
  "Ok, ok," John said quickly, "the rules of professional mayonnaise eating are simple, not really. Each of you will have thirty seconds to eat a jar of mayonnaise. Marie, what's the expiration dates on these?"
  "June 4, 1965." Marie answered.
  "Close enough," John fired the official mayonnaise-eating starter gun thingy. "Commence devouring!"
  Within seven seconds, Robbie and the kung fu master had eaten the thirty-five year old mayonnaise.
  "Second jar, go!" John shouted as Tyler placed two more jars on the table.
  Again, Robbie downed the piping-hot mayonnaise. However, he noticed that there was something crawling in this one.
  "Ok," John looked down at the third jars, "these date back to 1947. Hmmmm."
  He opened one of the lids and tapped at the mayonnaise with his index finger.
  "Ok, Tyler, get me a knife and fork for both." John set the mayo back down. "This will take time. Good luck."
  "Here, Fatboy." Tyler handed John two knives and forks.
  "Commence devouring!" John turned in disgust as Robbie and the kung fu master went at it.
  Robbie, not wanting to waste time by cutting the mayonnaise up with a knife and fork, just turned back his head and swallowed the whole thing.
  "The winner, and still champion," John shouted, "Robbie, crap!"
  A shmack upside the head sent John reeling. Is that a word? Oh well. Tyler and Robbie scrambled to their feet and took off. The kung fu master dissolved into thin air, thus leaving Paul to be kicked and shmacked upside the head.

  Three hours later, Paul was in a body cast, Mason, Marli, Lauren, Nicole, Rachel, Marie, and Anne Marie were hauled off to jail, and Robbie had his stomach pumped. With a fourth the orchestra either in pain or in prison, John decided to stay. Oh darn! However, just before the seven now convicts left, each said that they'd seek revenge on the four that caused them such pain. Anyways, around 10:00, they commenced rehearsal again.
  "Zhat ees eet!" Heirnurshtinfaus shouted. "Ever since Lauren Vick lehft zeh violahs, y'hall arre rrreally sounding qvite ghood."
  "Excuse me," a scrawny puny little girly cop stepped into the room, "but I need to see a John Clower, RJ Regenold, and Tyler Browder for questioning down at the station."
  "I didn't do it!" Tyler shouted. "You can't prove a thing! I tell-ya the place was like that when I got there."
  "It's concerning some attempted murders." The cop remarked.
  "Ah, tho bhe yhoung aghain." Heirnurshtinfaus sighed. "Gho hon, zeh orrrrrchestrrrra vill sthill bhe herrrrre vhhen yhou ghet bhack."

  At around 3:00, Tyler, John, and RJ were released from the station, and in Tyler's case, a correctional facility. When they'd stopped by the cells of Lauren, Marie, and Mason, all told them the same: to "Go to Hell." Due to that remark, it upped Lauren's, Mason's, and Marie's bails to $500,000, while Nicole's, Rachel's, Anne Marie's, and Marli's remained at $250,000.

  That night, Robbie was released from the hospital, while Paul still remained. John, RJ, Robbie, Stephen, Phillip, and Tyler decided to take in a movie. At the Regenold Heimlich XVI theatre, there was to be a Donald Duck film festival. So they went to that, while at the prison, a-trouble was-a-brewin.

  When the seven would be questioned with questions in a detective's office on the second floor of the prison, Lauren, Nicole, and Anne Marie were to try and sing, thereby shattering the office window. All seven would then jump out and make a break for the nearest back road. Unluckily, the station was only a mile or so from the hotel. They had planned it so that the three designated for the actual killing would be in the center of the party as they fled from the prison. Thereby, Mason and Marli would be at the front of the procession, and Rachel and Anne Marie would be at the back. Thus giving Nicole, Lauren, and Marie the best chances of escape.
  "So, Ms. Taylor and Wick!" The detective turned from a file he was reading on the exploitation of Beanie Babies. "It says here in your file that you are cheerleaders. I assume that you are cheerleaders for evil?"
  "Yes-ouch, no sir." Lauren answered.
  "It also says here that all of you are addicted to the Vegy, tales." The detective looked up. "That would verify my suspicions that you are evil! Hold on a second. Hmmmmm."
  The detective looked around in his desk.
  "Oh where did I put it?" He mused aloud.
  "What, sir?" Mason asked.
  "Oh, that no-good hairbrush. I can't find it any--"
  "Oh where, is my hairbrush!" A chorus of off-key voices blared at the detective. "Oh where, is my hairbrush? Oh where-oh where-oh where-oh where, oh where-oh where-oh, where!!!!!!!!"
  On the high note, which ranged from an F to a C, the glass immediately shattered, giving them the opportunity to escape. They did so. And after landing, they said quietly. "Is my hairbrush."

  John looked up from the TV. He'd heard two things on the news that made him shudder. First of all, Hurricane Bob was now a category five storm, with winds of one hundred ninety miles per hour, and the second was that the seven who'd tried to kill him and his friends this morning had escaped. Their attempts had proved to be successful, for not only did Nicole, Lauren, and Marie make it, but Rachel and Mason as well. Marli had gotten caught when she was trying to fix her hair in the reflection of a swamp just outside the gates, and Anne Marie had gotten caught, because she wanted to climb a tree and sing a happy tune. Hurricane warnings were now up for their area, and mandatory evacuations had been ordered. However, Heirnurshtinfaus didn't know what a hurricane was, and thus, the orchestra would remain for at least another day. The hurricane was forecasted to hit in two days, and that one-day period may end up costing them their lives. John turned off the TV, as Tyler and Robbie were heading out. As their fun-filled evening of Donald Duck was about to begin, John felt an eerie silence fall over the hotel. Then, they left.

  Lauren watched as they dragged Marli and Anne Marie back to the prison. No matter. Five of them had made it, and they would kill RJ, Paul, and Tyler, but especially Robbie and John, who'd disturbed their precious hangovers. They would pay for what they had done. So, they skipped along, humming a delightful tune, to the hotel where they would surely see that justice would be done.
  "They're gone." Marie said quickly. "The time?"
  "About 8:00." Mason replied.
  The five calmly entered the hotel. They'd planned it perfectly. When the six "people" got back, they would go up the elevator to the seventh floor. Lauren and Marie would be posted here, with a knife in one hand and a club in the other. They'd be able to take out one or two. Then, the few that weren't knocked out or killed would run down the hall to their rooms: 729 and 730. However, Mason would be in an alcove that led to room 723, and would have a cattle prod and club to shmack the few people that still remained. Then, the one or two that managed to make it to their rooms would meet up with Nicole in room 729 and Rachel in room 730. It would be glorious, as they sought their vengeance.

  The last Donald Duck movie let out around 1:00 AM. Phillip pressed the pretty button marked: "Up" on the elevator, and they entered. The elevator seemed to move slowly up the shaft, but finally, it stopped, and the doors opened ever so slowly.

  Phillip and Stephen were the first ones out and the first to receive a healthy shmack upside the head. Robbie and Tyler shoved past them, noticing the fact that Stephen was now unconscious, a club having shmacked him upside his head. John and RJ were right behind Tyler and Robbie, as Lauren made a quick slash at them, grazing RJ'S shoulder. Phillip staggered behind them, trying to keep his balance. Before they could react, Mason came at them with a club swinging and the cattle prod sizzling. Tyler and Robbie went low and passed under the prod, but in Tyler's case, didn't with the club. John swerved as Mason lunged at him. He dropped to the ground and came up just out of the prod's reach. Phillip and RJ did the same, with Phillip unable to get back up and thus receiving a very powerful electric shock. Tyler, dazed, gave Mason a quick jab, sending Mason to the ground. Tyler quickly followed the others, as Lauren and Marie ran behind him. Tyler caught up with John, just as Robbie went into room 729 and RJ into room 730. John followed Robbie, and Tyler followed RJ, just as Lauren and Marie reached them. Lauren, standing by her vow, went into room 729, while Marie slipped into room 730.

  As soon as Marie slammed the door, Tyler knew it was useless, but he'd try to get out anyway. RJ, being shorter, and quieter, quickly dove under a bed. He couldn't see a thing but could make out the forms of Tyler and Marie who were the last people he saw before the door closed. Rachel slowly rose from the shadows of the desk and then lunged at a figure she saw in the darkness. She shmacked and shmacked the form upside the head. Tyler gaped in astonishment as he heard Marie and Rachel shouting and cursing. Quickly, RJ rose from the bed and followed Tyler out the door, before Rachel could notice.

  Robbie stopped short. He could tell something wasn't right. Something about the room seemed different. His first clue was the fact that Nicole stood on a chair with a TV-SET poised to shmack him upside the head. John came in, knocking Robbie to the side, just as Nicole hurled the TV. Before John could realize it, the set came smashing down on his head. The TV bounced off and rolled to the side of the room. John stood, dazed. Lauren came charging in. And since John was the first one she saw, she wound up the club and clenched the knife in her puny little girly fist. She swung the club so that it struck John on the left side of the head, then the knife came up to the right, so that the force of the club, coinciding with the force of the approaching knife, sliced a quarter way through John's shoulder. John dropped to his knees, grinding his teeth in pain. Robbie rose, as Nicole was about to leap at him from the chair. Before he could get out of the way, Nicole's knee jolted Robbie back, dislocating his jaw. Both John and Robbie staggered to their feet, both deciding what to do.

  Rachel realized she'd just beaten her own comrade. She quickly apologized to Marie and then sprinted after RJ and Tyler. RJ was just reaching 729, when he heard Tyler "yelp" in pain. As he entered, he turned to see a blade grazing Tyler's neck. Tyler instantly collapsed. RJ dove into the next room, witnessing Nicole's brutal attack. Before RJ could retreat, Rachel came up behind him with the blade drawn.
  "Crap!" RJ faded to the right and dove in between John and Robbie, who were shaking violently.
  Lauren came up in front of John, stopped for a moment and then drove the knife straight through John's throat. John swayed and then fell flat on his back, the life gone from him before he hit the floor. Robbie, having regained some strength, bolted for the door. Nicole quickly swerved around Lauren and came up in front of Robbie. Robbie, unlike John, who was naive and stupid, expected this and faded to the left. Rachel lunged at Robbie from where she was standing near the door, but missed. Robbie then barreled down the hall and away from the chaos. On his way, he saw Phillip lying where he'd fallen. He helped Phillip to his feet, and together, they trudged to the elevator.

  RJ stood with his back against the wall. He'd waited too long to make a break for it. He glanced around the room. All his friends were either dead or alive. Obviously, but he was alone, and three against one wasn't good odds, unless you're terrible in algebra and get the reciprocal. Which in that case, would be good.
  "Hold on!" RJ shouted, as best he could. "I wasn't the one who got you people's up at 3:00."
  They just stared blankly at him.
  "Me no wake, you no kill." RJ said slowly.
  "Oh!" All three shouted. "No, we will kill you."
  "Whyyyyyyyyy!?!?!" RJ shouted. "I didn't do nothing."
  "Well," Nicole briefly lowered the blade, "you associate yourself with John and Robbie, and so, you must die!"
  RJ had been quiet and polite all his life, but no more!

  He gripped Nicole by the throat and shoved her aside. Lauren, dumbfounded, get it she's "dumb" founded, didn't notice when RJ dove past her to the door. Rachel swung at him with the club and hit RJ DEAD on. However, before she could hit him again, RJ gave a hard shmack upside her head, leaving Rachel dazed as he ran into the hall.

  RJ reached the elevator just as Robbie and Phillip were getting inside. Robbie waited until RJ was inside, before he sent the elevator to the top floor. RJ thought about the past ten minutes. John was dead, Mason, Marie, and Tyler were unconscious. Paul! What would Paul say when he found out what had happened? If Tyler regained consciousness, then...
  "Wait," RJ stopped the elevator, "Browder's still up there."
  "He's not dead?" Robbie asked.
  "No!" RJ shouted, as best he could. "When he comes to, he'll have all five of them to deal with. Look I'll help Browder, and you can go get the police or something."
  "Ok," Robbie agreed, "but first I'm stoppin' by a hospital. This whole double-hinged jaw is cool, but I doubt I'm supposed to be able to touch my neck with my chin."
  "Let me see!" RJ resumed the elevator. "Cool!"

  RJ stepped out on the seventh floor. The hall was empty. This gave him an eerie feeling. His suspicions were justified when he opened the door to room 729. John still lay dead on the floor. But just beyond him, Browder was tied to a chair with his wrists tied behind his back.
  "Hey!" RJ shouted, as best he could. "What're you doing to Browder!"
  "You!" Nicole leapt at RJ, fists clenched. "You ---- ------. Why if the ------ weren't --------- and the ----- with ----- then I'd ----- the ------- and ------ the -------."
  In her cheerleader-like way, she kicked RJ in the face, slamming him against the door. Then she clasped her hands around his throat, hurled him over her head, and sent him flying like a birdie into a lamp. RJ lay motionless.
  "This sucks." Tyler murmured as all five lifted the chair above their heads.

  Without a sound, they carried the chair to the nearest staircase and let Tyler "fly like an eagle." Then, they quickly went to the elevator and fled the building.

  Robbie and Phillip trudged into the warden's office.
  "Hey!" The warden shouted. "You two are getting blood all over my new carpet. Make it quick, what do you want? We got five fugitives out there, and unless you---"
  "That's why we're here. "Mr. Warden"." Robbie began. "They came back and tried to kill us. Each of us has been stabbed or clubbed, but besides one individual, they haven't been able to kill anyone. You need to get a squad car or somethin' over there."
  "After the 3:00 doughnut roundup!" The warden shouted, guiding them out of his office. "Now get-out-a-here!"

  Robbie and Phillip walked down the dark, eerie street. Something was different about it, not really. The police cars were all heading towards the doughnut shop. Just as they were passing a dark alley, three shadows jumped them. It was a quick struggle, with Robbie losing and Phillip escaping. Mason forced him to his feet.
  "Marie, you and Lauren go and get Phillip." He turned. "Nicole, Rachel, keep watch."
  Mason dragged Robbie, as best he could with his scrawny little girly arms, to a small "pink" car parked behind a huge dumpster. He tried shoving Robbie into the trunk, but he was too scrawny and puny.
  "Rachel, a little help?"
  Rachel shoved Robbie into the trunk of the car and slammed the door behind him.
  "Now what?" She asked.
  "Now we wait until Lauren and Marie find Phillip."

  Phillip watched as Robbie was hauled off. Just as Robbie was out of sight, he saw Marie and Lauren heading in his direction. Phillip rose from his position in the gutter, but they'd seen him. He scrambled to his feet and headed down an alley, with both Marie and Lauren still behind him. He turned left and headed down a second alley. As it turned out, it was a dead-end. Phillip quickly looked around. There was a brick wall, a dumpster, and a gate. He tried the gate. He began climbing but slipped when his shoe, that had been slick with mud, slipped out from under him. He fell flat on his back and managed to get to his feet just as Marie and Lauren caught up to him.
  "There's no hiding, Phillip." Marie grinned as she drew a knife.
  "Yes there is." Phillip opened the dumpster and threw himself inside. "There. Bet you can't find me now. Heh heh, oo. I'm getting dizzy. Uh, I don't feel so good."
  "Just come with us, and for the time being, we won't kill you." Lauren called.
  "Ok!" Phillip leapt from the top of the dumpster.
  He began following Lauren, as Marie drew the blade to his neck.

  Mason cracked his puny little girly knuckles. Lauren and Marie had been gone for almost ten minutes now. He'd guessed that they'd lost Phillip, or they sided with him and were going to get the police.
  "They're back." Nicole called from the entrance to the alley. "They've got Phillip."
  Mason helped get Phillip into the trunk next to Robbie and slammed the door quickly.
  "Hey!" Robbie shouted from inside the trunk. "Cool, there's a roadmap in here."
  "Shut up!" Mason shouted. "Or I'll kill you right here and now."
  "Yeah right!" Robbie called back. "Man, Nicole's stronger than you! Ha ha ha, ha, ha, ha ha! Hey, that's funny."
  "Get in!" Mason headed to the front seat.
  "You know," Nicole murmured, "he's right."

  RJ got up. He was merely stunned. He silently followed Tyler and watched in horror as Tyler went sailing down the stairs. He ducked into an alcove as the five proceeded to the elevator. Then, he followed behind them as they left the hotel. Presently, he was crouched in the shadow of the doorway of a closed Reverend BigDawg music store. The car sped off, and RJ quickly hailed a cab.
  "There's no need to salute me, son." The cabby said with a hardy laugh.
  "Follow that car!" RJ shouted, as best he could.
  The driver agreed and soon the car led them to the hotel again.
  "Thanks, how much?" RJ asked.
  "Hmmmmm, well, we're having a special on "Saving friends who are about to be killed by two cheerleaders, two volleyball players, and a prep"." The cabby read the meter. "If not, then it'll be $14.99."
  "Well," RJ thought for a bit, "I think Mason's a cheerleader. Five bucks off?"
  "Yeah, give me the dough, kid." The cabby snatched the $10 from RJ and sped off.

  RJ followed Rachel, who was the last one of the five, into the hotel. After playing in the revolving door for a few minutes, he ran up to the seventh floor. He didn't want to use the elevator. He was afraid of it. RJ crept down the hallway, the rest of the orchestra still asleep. He crept cautiously to room 729 and peered inside through the keyhole. Phillip, with Mason and Marie gripping each wrist, stood in the middle of the room. Just as RJ was turning, he heard a shuffling sound inside room 730. He opened the door to a utility closet and shut it behind him. Through the slits in the door, he could see Robbie, being led by Nicole and Lauren, and followed by Rachel, enter room 729. As soon as the door was closed, and unfortunately locked, RJ leapt from the utility closet and ran at the door. With un-RJ-like force, he knocked the door so hard that the lock broke off. He stood in the doorway, wide-eyed. Nicole, Rachel, Mason, and Marie still had a tight grip on Phillip's and Robbie's wrists, but Lauren was free and bared her teeth in frustration as she charged at RJ. RJ yelled in a girlish voice and fled like a scared little bunny rabbit.

  Lauren drew her knife as RJ turned a corner. He began to slow, as a curve caught him off guard. This gave Lauren the opportunity to catch up. She watched as RJ entered an elevator. Thus, she entered a second and went to the top floor. Luckily for her and unluckily for RJ, they wound up on the same floor. Before RJ could turn, Lauren shmacked him upside his head with the flat edge of the knife. RJ dodged the second blow but got shmacked upside the head on the third. Lauren's fist then met with RJ'S head, thereby shmacking the upside of it yet again. RJ staggered back, giving Lauren the chance to make a quick stab at his gut. However, RJ staggered far enough backward to be out of Lauren's reach. RJ dove for the nearest stairwell and began running like the devil were chasing him, or in this case, Lauren. When Lauren saw this, she didn't bother going down the stairs after him. Instead, she took the elevator to three floors down. When off the elevator, she crept to the bottom of the stairwell and was just in time to see RJ scurrying down.

  The chase resumed with RJ jumping the last half of the stairs, just as Lauren was starting up. He swerved and began jumping the stairs, a flight at a time. Lauren did the same, though at a quicker pace. As RJ descended to the seventh floor, he tripped on the second to last stair and fell to the floor hard. Lauren landed next to him and watched as RJ tried to get up. He'd twisted his ankle and was now defenseless. Lauren hauled RJ to his feet, well foot, and dragged him to room 729.

  Tyler shouted many wirdy dords as he flew through the air but yelled a really, really wirdy dord when he hit bottom. Luckily, the chair landed on its back, and due to the cushioning of the cushions that cushioned his fall, Tyler was ok. He struggled with the ropes but couldn't get them loose. Then he saw RJ trip on a stair about a flight above him and heard Lauren laughing triumphantly. He hated Lauren, and his anger gave him the strength, of which he had little, to break free of the bonds that bound him so. He ran up the stairs, with his puny little girly fists clenched, ready to fight. He reached room 729 just as RJ was being dragged in.

  Lauren, knowing that Tyler wouldn't want RJ to die, held RJ by the back of the neck and drew the blade to his throat.
  "Browder!" She shouted. "I'll do it. I'll kill him! Just come quietly, or I'll kill him! I really will."
  "Ok." Tyler followed Lauren, as she backed into room 729.
  "That's it." Lauren entered the room. "I'll kill him. I killed that ------ ------ John, and I can kill RJ as well."
  "Good work, Lauren!" Marie shouted, as best she could. "Two more!"
  "Yup!" Lauren shook the knife at Tyler. "Get in here, Browder!"
  Tyler did so.
  "So," he had his hand on the knob, "how you doin'?"
  "Shut up, all-a-ya!" Mason shouted. "Look! I need my "beauty" rest, me being as vain as I am, and now, you all must die for being associated with those who disrupted it!"
  "Ooooooooo!" John rose from the floor.
  "Crap!" Lauren shouted. "John, you're dead. I had the joy of wielding the blade myself."
  "Oh am I?" John began floating in mid-air. "I am the ghost of Christmas past. And you have much to learn about the meaning of Christmas."
  "---- it!" Nicole took her knife and stabbed John in the face.
  "Ok, I'm gone." John fell from his position in the air and lay dead again.
  "What do we do now, Mason?" Marie asked. "How do we kill them?"
  "Well." Mason thought, straining himself. "Well, I guess we'll go into a huge fast-pace fight in which half of us live and half of us die."
  "Hmmmmmm," Nicole murmured, "so, should we start now?"
  "Ok." Robbie threw Nicole and Rachel aside as he ran at Lauren, puny little girly fists clenched in their puny little girly way.
  "You kill RJ, I kill you!" Robbie shouted.
  "I already killed you!" Lauren shouted. "Remember, March 1999, Destroying the Evidence? Does that-aah!"
  Robbie shmacked Lauren upside her head, which caused her to release RJ.

  Robbie quickly pulled RJ out of the way as Lauren came back at him. RJ crawled quickly under a bed, as Lauren and Robbie went down fighting. In the meantime, many heads were being shmacked, primarily on the upside. Tyler dove at Lauren, who was pounding the living kuhoobawubbits out of Robbie. Lauren kicked Tyler in the face, sending Tyler reeling back. Robbie tried to overpower Lauren, who was continuously shmacking him upside the head, but to no avail. Tyler clutched his nose, which was bleeding profusely. He watched as Lauren pinned Robbie and then pressed her heel into his back. Robbie screamed like a little girl in pain. When Lauren released him, Robbie lay motionless.
  "I can't feel anything!" Robbie shouted. "God Lauren, what did you do, crap!"
  Tyler quickly helped Robbie up. Then he turned to face Lauren.

  While Robbie was being beaten half to death by Lauren, Phillip was having troubles of his own. He grabbed Marie around the waist and flipped her over his shoulder into Nicole, who was checking her make-up. Rachel jumped on a chair and leapt on Phillip's back, clawing and scratching at his face. Phillip tried to shake her off, but he was too puny and girly.
  "Ow!" He shouted. "Hey, no pulling hair! Crap!"
  Rachel gave Phillip an elbow in his puny little girly stomach and sent him falling to the floor. Nicole, whose make-up was all messed up thanks to Phillip, seized him by the ankles, swung him over her puny little girly shoulder, and sent him flying headfirst into a wall.

  Tyler backed away as Lauren approached. He didn't want to hurt no one, ok, he did, but not her. Just then, Mason, in his puny little girly-like way, came up and belted Tyler in the jaw. Lauren shouted something really wirdy dord like and slammed Mason in the chest with one puny little girly foot. Mason gasped for air and then collapsed. She then got Tyler in a headlock and began kicking him repeatedly in the shins. She did this until Tyler began coughing up blood. Then, she let him go. She stood behind him with both hands clasped around his throat, leapt on his back, and pushed off, with both ankles digging into Tyler's flesh. Tyler gave out one high-pitched shout, which by the way was a really high B flat, and fell forward.

  Robbie surveyed the situation before he got up. Tyler and Phillip were unconscious, RJ was hiding, and Mason was beaten up by a girl... Again. Robbie rose from the bed. Luckily Lauren's little stunt was only temporary. He fell from the bed as Marie, Lauren, and Nicole ran at him. Marie kicked him in the ribs, and Nicole stepped on his head, but Robbie still managed to get to his feet. As he did so, RJ rose from his hiding spot under the bed. Rachel raised her knife, and charged at Robbie. Robbie shrieked like a little girl and faded to the left. The knife found its target in Marie's shoulder. With the knife still protruding from her shoulder, Marie slammed Rachel against the wall by shmacking her upside the head.

  At the sight of Robbie cheating death yet again, Nicole did the same as before and leapt at him. Her knee once again nailed Robbie's chin. However, rather than harming Robbie, her attack knocked his jaw back into place. Robbie turned as Nicole began shmacking and shmacking him upside his head, just in time to see RJ plowing into him.

  RJ flinched as Lauren ran at him, with her puny little girly fists clenched in their puny little girly way. Her right fist landed on RJ'S now bleeding nose. RJ slammed into Robbie, who was being shmacked upside the head by Nicole. RJ landed on his twisted ankle and fell to the floor. Robbie fell back, the combination of RJ slamming into him and the strain on his neck by Nicole using the famous Vulcan nerve-pinch having drained his energy. Both Nicole and Lauren stood over Robbie and RJ, knives drawn. Just as they were about to cut their throats, Tyler caught them off guard by shouting.
  "I gotta pocket full-a money!"
  "Huh?" Lauren turned as Tyler and Phillip continued shouting.
  "Hey, shut up!" Rachel vaulted over the bed and caught Tyler and Phillip by the throat.
  She then "bonked" their heads together, really, really fast!
  "Crap!" Phillip clutched his head. "Man, I don't feel good."
  Tyler looked up at a fly that was fluttering its way from John's corpse. Suddenly he tumbled forward, being tripped by Rachel.

  Phillip quickly turned to run out the door, but Rachel was there with a club wound up behind her puny little girly head. With one puny shmack, upside his head, Phillip joined the others on the floor. Lauren helped Mason to his feet, and together, they raised one of the twin beds over their heads.
  "Hey!" Robbie began to get to his feet. "Wait... You can't... I... I will leave... Y... Can't..."
  Robbie used up the last of his strength. He fell back, barely able to keep his eyes open.
  "Uh," RJ got to his knees, "you can kill me, but not like that."
  He got on his one good foot and hobbled out the door. Since the four were supporting a bed over their heads, they couldn't set it down in time to catch RJ who was slowly making his way to the elevator.
  "Oh!" Tyler strained to get up, but couldn't. "Crap, crap, crap!"
  No sooner had Tyler uttered those words, had the bed come crashing down on the three, crushing them beneath.
  "That won't kill them!" Nicole shouted. "Why did we do that?!"
  "It will keep them from getting away again." Mason explained. "Now, Rachel, you and Nicole can stay here and make sure nothing else happens. Lauren, come with me, and we'll get RJ."

  RJ found John's cane in 730 and used it as a crutch, which gave him more speed. Quickly he worked his way to the elevator and then made his way down to the parking lot. RJ hobbled along towards the hospital, which ironically was across the street. When inside, he was greeted by the receptionist who said suspiciously:
  "what do you want, kid?"
  "Where is Paul LeMaire staying?" He asked weakly.
  "Room 1307."
  "Ok." RJ walked over to the elevator and took it to the thirteenth floor.
  He moved down to 1307 and knocked on the door.
  "Yes?" He heard Paul's voice. "Is it the cable guy, 'cause I can't turn the TV past channel thirteen, and British comedies are really, really, boring. Although Walton Smith, the butler has been getting a bit too much tea at tea-time, and that can--"
  "It's RJ!" RJ shouted, as best he could. "Look. John's dead and Robbie, Phillip, and Browder are unconscious and close to death now. Lauren and Mason are probably on their way over to kill me, and---"
  "So why the hell are you here!" Paul opened the door, the limbs back in their rightful places. "Here, come on in. I've been playing with Lego's. Look, I made an Eggo... Out of Lego's!"
  "Don't you feel special." RJ closed the door behind him. "So have you heard anything on that hurricane?"
  "Oh yeah!" Paul snapped his fingers. "It's supposed to hit tomorrow evening. Say, why don't you call the police from here?"
  "I think I'll crash here for a while, first." RJ sat down next to Paul's bed. "Here, I think Rocky and Bullwinkle's on."
  "Cool!" Paul grabbed the remote from RJ and flipped it to the cartoon network.
  As the cartoon began, RJ and Paul had no idea that danger was lurking nearby.

  Mason followed the RJ tracks, thus being the cane. RJ should've known this was his fate, as he was walking near the interstate. Lauren walked alongside Mason, thinking of the best time to tell him. Then, it came. A car that is.
  "Mason," she said softly, "there's something I've been meaning to tell you."
  "Yes?" Mason stopped.
  "The girls and I have been hiding something from you." She confessed.
  "And what would that be?" Mason grinned.
  "Well," Lauren looked away, "we've been plotting to kill you along with the others. And now that none of the others are around, I can do the job."
  Before Mason could try to run away like a scared little bunny rabbit, Lauren grabbed him around his neck and threw him into the street. Mason was just getting over the fact that the girl he trusted most had just betrayed him, when a convoy came speeding down the street at ninety MPH. Lauren gave a casual wave as Mason disappeared beneath the numerous tractor trailers. She turned away and then glanced back. She was relieved to see that there was no sign of him. He may've been able to escape, but Lauren doubted it. She sprinted across the street and continued following the RJ tracks.

  Paul checked the time and saw that it was about 4:00.
  "So," RJ said quietly, "what's up?"
  "Oh nothing." Paul began pasing the room. "Man this is freaking me out. I feel as if they're watching us, just waiting for the right moment to leap from some hidden spot and kill us! Damn it, if you're going to kill us, kill us now."
  At that moment, the room went black.
  "Ok," RJ rose slowly, his teeth chattering, "now, that's not a good sign. Paul, you still there?"
  "Yeah." Paul said weakly. "Now this is really freaking me out. They're here... I can feel it. I can sense someone here."
  RJ said nothing; sweat was streaming down his neck.
  "What was that!" Paul backed against the wall. "I heard something, a whispering. Man, we got to get out. Someone's here in the room, just waiting..."
  "Get a hold of yourself!" RJ shouted, as best he could. "We can just leave, and---"
  He heard a sound, too.
  "Quick, get the door!" Paul shouted. "Quick, before we--"
  Lauren attacked.

  With a puny little girly shout, she tackled Paul to the ground. RJ heard Paul shriek, as Lauren shmacked him upside the head. Once again, Paul was losing the fight. He was so puny and girly, while Lauren was slightly less puny and more girly. She continued digging her fingernails into Paul's face and kicking him in the ribs, until he stopped struggling. She turned to RJ.
  "Move one inch," she threatened, "and you'll be next."
  RJ wanted to remain alive for once in one of my stories, so he stayed where he was.

  Paul was in one of the few rooms that had a balcony on it. RJ hadn't noticed this until Lauren opened the door that led to it. He could see her give him a hard stare, by the light of the full moon, as she dragged Paul out onto the balcony.
  "Wait!" Mason came storming into the room. "You tried to kill me, didn't you?"
  "No, I was helping you out of the mud!" She shouted. "What do you think?"
  "Now look!" Mason shouted. "I've been knocked out every time I start yelling but this time---"
  Lauren gave Mason a quick punch to the face, knocking him out. She then dragged him out to the balcony and kicked Paul aside. Quickly she grabbed him by the ankles, slung Mason over her shoulder, and tossed him over the side. She then reentered the room before she could hear any kind of "splat."
  "Ok," RJ backed away, "now look, I've managed to get out of every situation that you've put me in.
  So don't try to change fate. John wouldn't kill me off."
  "I killed him off!" Lauren shouted. "I am in control of this story, not him!"
  "Weren't you going to kill Paul?" RJ asked.
  "Oh yeah!" She turned to leave and then turned back. "Don't move, or I'll kill you."
  "You're going to anyway, right?"
  "Yeah, well, just stay here until I'm finished with Paul."
  She opened the door to the balcony, raised Paul over her head, and threw him with all her puny little girly strength.

  As soon as she closed the door behind her, RJ bolted for the door. The entire hospital was out of power, but luckily Paul's room was near the stairwell. The entire hospital appeared vacant, but at 4:00 AM, it usually was. All was quiet as RJ made his way from the seventh to the sixth floor. Then he heard Lauren shout in anger, due to his obvious disappearance. RJ could hear her thundering down the stairs behind him. He began to run faster and faster down the last flight and sprinted out the door.

  He saw that the power was still on in the hotel, and that was a relief. He heard Lauren come charging out the door from behind him and heard her yell many, many, wordidords as she tried to catch up with RJ. RJ dove into an alley near him. As he was turning onto a second, he saw Paul fall into step behind him.
  "Paul!" RJ shouted. "You're dead!"
  "No!" Paul caught up. "Mason broke my fall."
  "---- you both to ----!" Lauren shouted.
  "Quick, over this huge block of cement that has been strategically placed so that we can jump a fence that leads to the rear parking lot of the hotel!" Paul said quickly. "What does strategically mean?"
  "I have no idea. You said it." RJ murmured, following Paul over the fence.

  Robbie opened his eyes slowly. Nicole was knelt next to him, a knife poised a mere inch from his throat.
  "If you scream," she threatened, "I swear I'll cut your throat."
  Robbie turned pale. He did notice that the bed was now back in its place.
  "What happened?" He asked, his voice shaking.
  "You have a broken leg," She explained, "and we're going to kill all of you as soon as Lauren and Mason get back with RJ."
  "But you've said that before, and we've--" Robbie stopped, the knife having pricked his neck. "Ok, I'll shut up."
  "You're ---- right you will." Nicole whispered. "And one more word, and you'll be the first to go."

  Paul and RJ sprinted through the parking lot, Lauren catching up fast. Paul turned around, just in time to see Lauren barrel into him. He staggered back, while Lauren held her ground. In that one second of vulnerability, she seized Paul by the throat and began constricting her hands around it.
  "This time, you will not survive!" She watched as Paul began coughing and hacking.
  RJ heard this coughing and hacking and turned to see Lauren, who was laughing with delight as Paul began to turn blue.
  "Hey!" RJ turned on one puny little girly heel and ran at Lauren. "Do I have to do this every time?"

  He tried getting in between Lauren and Paul to pry them apart, but Lauren gave him a hard kick in the hinder, sending RJ to the pavement. Paul began to go limp as RJ turned. He came up behind Lauren and began pulling at her hair.
  "No!" She let Paul go. "Not my hair!!! It's part of the cheerleader's code of crappiness, that no one, but them or their giddy little girl friends, can touch their hair!"
  She tackled RJ to the concrete and quickly pinned him. With strength that could only be possessed by a cheerleader whose hair had been disturbed, Lauren began hammering at RJ'S face.
  "Paul!" RJ shouted past the blinding blows that caused him such pain. "Get-ouch, help-ouch. Qu-ouch, quick!"
  "Ok!" Paul ran into the hotel, not knowing what would await him.

  Paul did as so many had before, by running upstairs. He ran to room 729. And no sooner had his head peered into the doorway, had Rachel and Nicole each given him a shmack in the face. Paul was stunned long enough for them to quickly tell him to shut up or they'd kill him. After noticing the two knives poised both in front of and behind his neck, Paul obeyed.

  Lauren wiped the blood from her knuckles. RJ crawled weakly onto the sidewalk, clutching his head. He was bleeding a lot but not enough to be life-threatening.
  "Now if you follow me," Lauren called from across the lot, "that'll happen again. So there!"
  RJ just glanced up at Lauren who strolled back to the hotel.

  Phillip and Tyler looked over at each other and then up at Nicole and Rachel, who brandished the knives. Nicole closed the door as soon as she saw that Tyler and Phillip were conscious.
  "Get up!" She shouted. "Against the wall, hands behind your backs."
  All did as instructed, except for Robbie whose leg was broken.
  "Damn it, Nicole!" He shouted back. "I've got a broken leg! How am I supposed to---"
  "Up, Greer!" She hit Robbie in the face with the hilt of the blade.
  Robbie used the wall for support and leaned up against it. Just then, Lauren came in.
  "Good work." She grinned, glancing at the four.
  "where's RJ?" Nicole asked.
  "Half dead in the street." Lauren removed her blade from its pink flowered carrying case. "Is it time?"
  "Yes," Rachel replied, "but where's Mason?"
  "Umm," Lauren frowned, "he'll be along."
  "Yeah right!" Paul shouted. "You killed him!"
  "Ok," Rachel turned back to the wall, "now look. You four are about to cross the river Styx, got it?"
  "Oo, when do we leave?" Tyler asked. "Do we get to have a cute little beach party? Hey isn't this story supposed to be about a hurricane?"
  "Enough talk!" Nicole shouted. "We should just kill them now and be done with it!"
  "She's right." Rachel swung the blade so that it made a "swooshing" sound. "Let's get it over with."
  Lauren, Nicole, and Rachel each took out a knife and club. Lauren took the blade and swept it rapidly down the line, so that it cut each puny little girly man in the face. She then wound up her club and beat each upside the head. After this, Tyler fell forward. The process continued with Nicole, who knocked Phillip and Paul to the floor. And finally, as Rachel did as Nicole and Lauren had done, Robbie fell forward.
  "Now let's get out of here before anyone finds out!" Nicole said quickly. "And before we leave, we'll beat RJ or something."

  RJ wiped more blood from his face it was all stingeh. He slowly got to his feet and headed towards Forrest's car. If he couldn't save anyone else, then he'd see to it that those who were trying to kill himself and his friends were put to justice... Poetic justice. Then he remembered that Forrest's keys were still back at the hotel. RJ thought for a moment. He'd walk.

  As he strolled down the sidewalk, he sung a hap-hap-happy tune. RJ suspected that someone, something, or a group of "evil" people were following him, but of course, he didn't know this. He quickened his pace a bit, noticing that he was in a remote area, where their would be very few witnesses should he be attacked. He sat down with his back against a tree. He was sick of running. If they were going to kill him, then go on! He was tired, slipping in and out of the hand of death was getting annoying. If he got stabbed again and again and again, then they'd be doing him a favor.

  The attack wasn't spontaneous, rather it settled in. It took RJ a few seconds to realize that his head was getting shmacked, primarily on the upside. Nicole stood to RJ'S left, Rachel to RJ'S right, and Lauren in front of him. Each held a club, in which they were using to shmack. Within three blows from each club, RJ slumped over and lay still. Rachel looked around.
  "So now what?" She asked.
  "Now we steal someone's car and get the ---- out of here."
  "Paul's car's still here." Nicole murmured. "We can find the keys, and then--"
  "Who needs the damn keys?" Lauren turned to head back to the city. "We can just smash it in with a rock."
  "So what do we do with RJ?" Rachel asked.
  "Hmmmmmmm," Nicole thought, which was a first, "we could throw him into the swamp."
  "Ok." Rachel grabbed RJ'S wrist and began dragging his unconscious body to where the ground sloped sharply, thereby leading to the swamp.
  "A little help?" Rachel asked. "I'm too puny... And girly..."
  "Ok." Nicole and Lauren got RJ to his feet and each gave him a kick, which sent him rolling down the incline towards the murky waters.

  Robbie slowly sat up. He was a zombie, so much blood had left him that he could barely tell where he was. All he knew is that he was alive, and that's usually a plus. He rolled away from the wall and lay by one of the beds, as he slipped back into unconsciousness.

  After the rocks failed to start the car, Rachel quietly slipped into room 730. She soon found Paul's wallet, which would come in handy.
  "Let's see," she fingered through the cards, "fake driver's license, a Phillip Ruffu membership card... Ah ha, money!"
  She removed the $87 from Paul's wallet, and after searching a bit more, found the car keys, which she also stole. She then scurried out the door like a scared bunny rabbit before she could be spotted.

  The next morning, can you believe it I finally ended that, Heirnurshtinfaus swung the door to room 729 wide open and saw four corpses and two bodies lying there.
  "Aaaaaah." He sighed. "Eet rhemhinds mhe ove mhy dhays een Rhussia."
  "Holy crap!" Forrest walked into the room. "What went on here!"
  "Nothing." Robbie sat up slowly. "Do you think you could get me  oh say, an ambulance?"
  "Hoh, mhamhamhia!" Heirnurshtinfaus backed away. "Ghood, ghet zee hambulance, hoh, voe his mhe! Voe ees Boris!"
  Robbie inched his way to the door, as Forrest, along with James, helped him to his feet.
  "Broken leg!" Robbie shouted. "Crap, that hurts, oh boy."
  They guided Robbie to the elevator and let him lie on the icky-sticky floor as they descended. When they reached the first floor, a stretcher was waiting. The high-tech doctor people loaded Robbie on and carted him off like a crazy person.

  John watched from his small house up in Heaven as a twenty-foot crocodile swammed, swum, swam, oh well, swam towards RJ. John, being Mr. Considerateguy, asked the good Lord if he would mind striking the crocodile with lightning. After putting the Mavericks game on mute, God agreed and did as John requested.

  At the sound of the crock getting fried like an ant under a magnifying glass, RJ swam to the nearest bank. He guessed it was 8:00 AM. The orchestra would be up by now, and the others would probably be out of town. He trudged along the bank until he found a paved road, which eventually would lead to the hotel. He'd have some time to get rested, and he intended to.

  By noon, the entire hotel had been evacuated, except for the orchestra, who were being questioned. Heirnurshtinfaus panicked, and ran away like a scared little girl. Meanwhile, the medical people discovered one other person alive in the sea of corpses, Paul LeMaire. Paul was immediately sent to the hospital and wound up in the same room as before. A total of five bodies were found. besides the bodies of John, Tyler, and Phillip, there was Marie, who'd been struck down by Rachel, and Mason, who lay at the bottom of a twenty-story fire escape. The only witness that was brought down to the station was Forrest. Due to the disappearances of Lauren, Nicole, and Rachel, the "police" concluded that either they were killed too and their bodies hadn't been found, or that they were the murderers themselves and had skipped town. After discovering that Paul's car was stolen, they believed the latter. If not for the approaching hurricane, which hadn't been mentioned in twenty-one paragraphs, they would've tried to hunt them down.
  "That hurricane will hit in five hours!" A police lady shouted. "All-of-ya out of here, now!"
  The orchestra proceeded to a charter bus.
  "Hall ove yhou!" Heirnurshtinfaus shouted. "Zee hhurrrrrichane vill sthrike shoon!"
  The fifteen or so members of the orchestra quickly boarded the charter bus, which sped off towards the north. However, Hurricane Bob, whose winds were now at two hundred twenty-five miles per hour, was just beyond the horizon.

  RJ watched as cars sped past him on the highway. No one would stop for him. Then, one did. It looked familiar, but RJ couldn't remember why. Just as he was beginning to remember, Lauren opened the door to the backseat and pulled him inside. The car sped off, as RJ was once again facing certain death.

  Due to recent episodes of violence in Colorado and in FT Worth, the author, me, would like to reiterate that the HOMOSIDAL SUBURBIA stories are purely fictional. If any offense was taken by anyone ever mentioned in any of these stories, then I sincerely apologize. These stories are meant to entertain, not to threaten. Once again, these stories are strictly fictional. Thank you for reading. Hopefully you will read further installments that have yet to come... And they will.