Scene I
(Opens with a Denton city-scape)
("One of a Kind" (80's version) plays)
(Camera eventually zooms in on Tyler drinking some French Fries)
(John is unseen in the passenger side)
(Music fades as Tyler and John get out of the car)
John: Why are we over here again?
Tyler: I don't know. RJ just called and said he had something to show us.
John: Maybe it's another '80's cover of one of our songs.
Tyler: No John. Opening scene was stupid. John, no no. It was stupid.
John: At least I'm not the one drinking French fries.
Tyler: (yelling) They're a refreshing beverage!
John: Whatever.
Tyler: No you're stupid.
John: That doesn't make any sense.
Tyler: No, you're stupid!
Scene II
(Opens in RJ'S parents' room)
(RJ is talking on the phone)
RJ: Yes. Yes. Alright... Sure I'll sign it... Nah, the band'll be fine. Alright, seeya this Friday. I'll bring my demo. Ok. Ok. Thanks, bye.
(John and Tyler walk in)
Tyler: You have something to show us?
RJ: Oh yeah. Look at this, Browder.
(Camera zooms in on the computer as RJ brings up a file)
Title: "FREE SLURPEES!"
RJ: (reading) For a limited time only, consumers may receive free slurpees at the Seven Eleven located on the corner of Colorado boulevard and Tainted Pork Avenue.
John: But that's in the nether reaches of Corinth. No living person has come out of there alive.
Tyler: I didn't even know there was a Tainted Pork Avenue.
RJ: Must be a dirt road.
John: So what are we waiting for. Let's get Russ and Stephen and go.
Tyler: Slurpee time!
(RJ and Tyler high-five each other)
Scene III
(Opens with Tyler, John, Stephen, RJ, and Russ standing by RJ'S station wagon)
("The Slurpee Song" begins playing)
(First few frames shows the station wagon driving around)
(afterwards all five can be seen coming in and coming out of each Seven Eleven in Denton with slurpees)
(Station-wagon pulls up to John and Stephen's house)
(The windows open just wide enough for approximately twenty slurpee cups to fall out)
(The station wagon speeds off as the music fades)
Scene IV
(Opens with the band sprawled on the grass in someone's yard)
John: Oh that was way too many slurpees.
RJ: Slurpee hangover.
Russ: I can't feel my brains.
Stephen: Wait, don't we have a show to play?
John: Yeah we do. Think we can rock while under the influence?
Tyler: (gets up slowly) I can do it, guys. It's ok, I'll sing lead.
RJ: (gets up) Uh, no, Browder.
John, Stephen, and Russ: (get up)
John: We'll let you sing on "Nova."
Tyler: But we haven't played that song since September 13 at Camp Copus.
RJ: But we'll let you sing it if we play it.
Tyler: Oh alright then.
Russ: Hey I need some more lines in this movie.
John: I'll go back and make some script changes tonight.
Russ: Oh alright then.
RJ: How come you wrote the movie anyway, John?
John: 'cuz you guys said it was a stupid idea.
Tyler: It is stupid.
John: You're stupid.
RJ: What, it is stupid. I mean how realistic is it to have us go on a slurpee bender?
Tyler: Or me to know the exact date we played a show almost a year ago.
Stephen: Or me to say practically nothing for five minutes?
Russ: Next thing you know, he's gonna play a studio recording over footage of us at a concert and call it a live performance.
Genevieve: (flies in and knocks RJ over)
Scene V
(Opens at Trinity)
(Chronic Faith is on the stage)
RJ: (over mic) Hey, we're Chronic Faith. Thanks for coming out tonight. Our next song is one we wrote, and here we go.
Tyler: (not over mic) ROCK!
(The band plays "one of a Kind")
(Studio recording of "Trees and Deeds" plays over the visual)
(At the end of the song, the camera cuts to a view of maybe ten to fifteen people jumping up and down in the front row)
(Pre-recorded crowd plays over the visual)
Scene VI
(Opens with Russ walking down a dark street, dressed in a dark suit and sunglasses)
("Gangsta Freestyle" plays in the back-ground)
(After fifteen to twenty seconds, a shadowy figure comes out from behind some bushes)
(Music fades)
Shadow: Eh, you got the stuff?
Russ: Yeah.
Russ: (pulls a bag out of the bush)
Russ: That's ten kilos of the finest supply.
Shadow: Sounds good. The boss will be very pleased.
Russ: Just make sure that I'm paid on-time, Palachio.
Shadow: Of course.
Tyler: (runs on-camera) Russ, what is this!
Shadow: (grabs the bag and runs off)
Russ: It's the script change me and John worked out.
Tyler: What, Russ Moore the gangster?
Russ: No, Rustovo Boldonomo, Milasian security guard and smuggler.
Tyler: Russ, drug dealing isn't cool.
Russ: Hey hey hey, I just said no. besides I'm a smuggler, not a dealer.
Tyler: Well what did you smuggle?
Russ: Leaves.
Tyler: Is that a street-term for crack or marijuana?
Russ: Nope, just leaves.
Tyler: (slowly, as if rethinking the situation) So you're smuggling leaves?
Russ: Yep.
Tyler: That's the script change?
Russ: I never said it was a good one.
RJ: (runs past the camera) Get her away from me!
Genevieve: (runs past the camera after RJ)
Tyler and Russ: (ignore RJ and Genevieve)
Tyler: So you wanna ditch Rustovo and go get some food?
Russ: I like food.
Tyler: (walks off-screen)
Russ: (takes off the sports coat and follows Tyler off-screen)
(Five to ten-second pause)
RJ: (runs past the camera) Get her away from me!
Genevieve: (runs past the camera after RJ)
Scene VII
(Opens with Tyler and Russ driving down the road)
Russ: So where we goin', Sonic?
Tyler: Sure, why not. Food's food.
Russ: So how are you and your woman doing?
Tyler: (sighs) Ah, not so good.
Russ: Well what happened?
Tyler: She blew up.
Russ: (laughs) What did ya do?
Tyler: Nothing. She just blew up.
Russ: Really.
Tyler: Yeah. We were coming back from the movies last week...
Scene VIII
(Opens with Tyler and Woman standing at a door)
Tyler: I had a great time tonight.
Woman: Yeah, me too.
Tyler: Well I guess this is the part where we...
Woman: Uh, yeah.
Tyler and Woman: (look sternly at the camera)
RJ: (behind camera) Go on.
Woman: RJ, go away.
RJ: Well can I at least leave this on a tripod?
Tyler: No, now go!
RJ: But I was just.
Tyler and Woman: (shouting) Go!
RJ: Nuh uh.
Tyler and Woman: (come toward the camera)
Tyler, Woman, and RJ: (shout for about five seconds)
(Camera cuts to a view of a pre-taped explosion)
Scene IX
(Opens with Russ and Tyler getting out of the Expedition)
(A few moments later, RJ pulls up in the nova)
Tyler: (through window at RJ) Where'd ya find that piece of junk?
RJ: Yo mama.
Tyler: Yo mama wouldn't even be seen in that lemon!
RJ: Oh you think you got the better set of wheels?
Russ: A vacuum cleaner could shut you down.
RJ: Eh you're all talk. Let's drag!
Tyler: Prepare to eat my exhaust!
("Nova" begins)
(Several scenes are shown with Tyler and RJ racing)
(Song ends as RJ drives off into a field)
Scene X
(Opens with Tyler and Mrs. browder walking out of Dillards)
Mrs. Browder: What time do you have to be up at church tonight?
Tyler: I'm not sure. I think (insert youth director's name) said we were starting around 5:00.
Mrs. Browder: Just make sure the cops don't bring you home again.
Tyler: Mom, I told ya I was framed. besides who ever said drag-racing was illegal?
(Tyler stops)
Tyler: Hey look over there.
(Camera cuts to a view of four blondes standing by a car, talking)
(Camera cuts back to Tyler and Mrs. Browder)
Mrs. Browder: Now Tyler, remember what I told you.
(Camera zooms in on Tyler as "Blondes" begins)
THROUGH the SONG...
(After focusing in on Tyler's tongue for several seconds, the camera cuts to a view of Tyler walking toward the blondes)
(Tyler talks to the blondes for about ten to fifteen seconds)
(Blonde-1 pulls out a watering squirty bottle dealy filled with milk and sprays Tyler in the face)
(Tyler throws Blonde-1 over his shoulder)
(Blondes 2, 3, and 4 start beating him with their purses)
(Russ and RJ come out of nowhere and start beating Blondes 2, 3, and 4 with trash bags.
(Battle ensues for the duration of the song)
(At the very end, the camera cuts off as Blondes 1 through 4 run toward it)
Scene XI
(Opens with RJ standing in Trinity's sanctuary)
("Falling Up" begins)
(RJ'S vocal is sped up an octive so it sounds like he's on helium)
(Song cuts out as Tyler and Russ walk in)
Tyler: RJ, what are you doing?
RJ: I'm practicing for my solo car-I mean, for the gig here at Trinity.
Tyler: RJ, the gig was last weekend.
RJ: Oh right.
(Big blue ball flies in and hits Russ in the head)
(Russ runs off quickly)
(Sounds of punching and glass breaking are heard)
(Russ yells jibberish in the back-ground)
RJ: So did you check out the new Pillar CD?
Tyler: Yeah, I got it yesterday after me and my woman went to the Loo.
RJ: (shocked) BROWDER!
Tyler: (laughing) No no no, it's a new teen club on the sun-set strip.
RJ: So you went to a sun-set strip club?
(Tyler and RJ laugh dryly)
RJ: Do we even have a sun-set strip?
Tyler: Sure we do. It's over there by the thing.
RJ: Oh yeah, by the place. Oh no. (Girlish scream)
(RJ runs off-screen)
(Genevieve runs after him)
(More punching and glass sounds are heard off in the back-ground)
Tyler: This movie's weird.
(Blue ball hits Tyler in the head)
Scene XII
(Opens with John sitting at the computer)
John: Let's see... E-Mail E-mail E-Mail... Oo, one from the Door. Oooo. Oh man. Oh boy.
(Camera cuts to a view of John and Stephen's house)
John: (from inside, screams girlishly with triumph)
(Camera cuts to a view of Tyler coming out of his bathroom with a towel 'round his waist, (though really with shorts underneath just in case))
(Phone rings)
Tyler: Hello? John, I'm naked. Me and Russ just told RJ 'bout the new Pillar CD. Yeah we were at the Loo. What? A gig? Opening for Pillar? SCORE!
(Tyler throws phone)
(Glass breaking sound is heard)
(Tyler shakes his belly)
Tyler: Well guess I'd better go tell everyone.
(Tyler dances off-screen)
(The towel flies past the camera)
(Sounds of a door opening and closing)
(A few seconds later, a scream is heard)
Tyler: (way off in the distance yelling) I'M NAKED!
Scene XIII
(Opens with RJ sitting in a recliner drinking a crock pot full of Coke)
RJ: Boy am I thirsty.
(Knock on the door)
RJ: (sipping through a huge straw) It's open!
(Knock louder)
RJ: (louder) It's open!
(An intricate beat starts going on the door)
RJ: It's open!
(Tyler comes in and sits down next to RJ)
RJ: What's up, Browder?
Tyler: I think I'm in trouble with the British police.
RJ: What did you do?
Tyler: Well you know the gig we got opening for Pillar?
RJ: Yeah, it's awesome.
Tyler: Well when John told me, I was so excited that I streaked down the street.
RJ: On your own two feet?
Tyler: To a funky beat. But I scared some children and now these two British guys are after me.
(Knock on the door)
Bobby-1: (through door) Ay, Bri'ish police!
RJ: Oh, Browder. Look what you've done. Go through the back way. I'll try and stall this bobby.
(Tyler gets up and walks off)
(RJ sits the crock-pot down)
(Bobby-1 knocks on the door, though louder this time)
RJ: I'm coming.
(RJ opens door)
(Bobbies 1 and 2 step inside)
Bobby-2: Allo, I'm Stupid No with the Bri'ish police, and this here's the door-knocker himself, Fanza Fanza Ballobaba (jumps up and down while singing "old man river") Carlos Intenna (screams high note) Nanu Nanu Charlemagne (does farting hand noises while singing "oh Canada") from the Silly Police out of Wessix.
Bobby-1: We're looking for a Tyler Browder.
RJ: Oh him. Uh... He died.
Bobby-1: Do you have his obituary, my good man?
RJ: Never leave home without it.
Bobby-2: But this is your home.
RJ: You're stupid.
Bobby-1: No, I'm Stupid, and this is Fanza Fanza Ballobaba (jumps up and down while singing "old man river") Carlos Intenna (screams high note) Nanu Nanu Charlemagne (does farting hand noises while singing "oh Canada") from the Silly Police out of Wessix.
Bobby-1: Do you have the obituary with you now?
RJ: No.
Bobby-2: What?
RJ: Oh yeah, I do. Here ya go.
(RJ hands Bobby-2 a plastic fork)
Bobby-2: Inspect this, Fanza Fanza Ballobaba (jumps up and down while singing "old man river") Carlos Intenna (screams high note) Nanu Nanu Charlemagne (does farting hand noises while singing "oh Canada")
(Bobby-1 takes the fork and sticks it in his mouth and starts chewing on it)
Bobby-1: It's plastic, Stupid.
Bobby-2: Did you really think you could fool Stupid?
RJ: Yes.
Bobby-2: Yes?
RJ: No.
Bobby-2: What!
(Big blue ball flies in and hits Bobby-1 in the head)
(Bobby-1 collapses)
Bobby-2: (through radio) Silly officer down, I need back...
(Genevieve comes out of nowhere and knocks Bobby-2 off-camera)
RJ: (yelling) Run, Browder!
Scene XIV
(Opens in a wood)
(Camera pans over to Tyler with no shirt on eating a pickle)
Tyler: It's tough being an outlaw. You learn how much you've taken toilet paper for granted when you're reduced to using dried leaves and rocks. Sleeping in trees, running in circles, stealing grass to survive, it's not an easy life. It's reflecting on times like this that just put a song in my heart.
(Tyler grabs a guitar from off-camera and begins to play)
("I Wonder" plays)
(Close to the end, Tyler puts down the guitar and lays down like he's asleep)
Scene XV
(SIGN: "THREE DAYS LATER, ON the AFTERNOON of the GIG")
(Opens with John, Stephen, Russ, and RJ walking up to Tyler's door)
(RJ knocks on the door)
(Man-1 opens the door)
Man-1: What are you people doing here?
John: Where are the Browders?
Man-1: With some relatives. We're fumigating for cheerleaders.
Russ: They're everywhere these days.
Man-2: (inside the house) Chuck, one's heading your way!
Man-1: Stand back, boys!
(Cheerleader-1: Runs into Man-1 from behind)
Man-2: Oh no, there's a whole pocket of them!
(Cheerleaders 2 and 3: run into Man-1 and knock him down)
Russ: Scatter!
RJ: They're ravenous!
John and Stephen: Rabies!
(Man-2 comes to the door)
Man-2: I got the spray!
(Men 1 and 2 try catching Cheerleaders 1, 2, and 3)
Scene XVI
(opens in the parking lot of a Wendy's)
(RJ and Stephen are standing there as Russ and John come back with food)
RJ: We all set?
Russ: Yep, got the food.
John: And the gear's in the van.
Stephen: I still wish Tyler would show up. "Invincible" won't sound the same.
RJ: And we'll have to work the crowd ourselves.
(Entire band gasps)
RJ: Johnny, you do it.
John: No, you do it. You're the lead singer.
RJ: You're back-up.
John: So I'll be the back-up front man.
RJ: And Tyler's not here.
Russ: Come on, we gotta go.
Stephen: Yeah, we can argue about this in the car.
(Band begins heading toward the car)
RJ: Oh no, not again.
(RJ bolts off-screen)
(Genevieve runs on and off-screen)
(Punching sounds are heard)
Scene XVII
(Opens at the Door in Fort Worth)
(Camera zooms in on the sign)
(Camera zooms out and pans over to where the band is getting gear out of the car)
(Man-1 walks toward the band from the foreground)
Man-1: Chronic Faith?
(RJ nods)
Man-1: You're on in fifteen minutes.
John: We don't go on till 9:30.
Man-1: Well, all the band's canceled and you were frozen in time for two hours when ya blinked so hop to it.
Russ: Just our luck!
(Tyler walks on-camera)
RJ: Browder, where's Stephen?
Tyler: Michigan.
Russ: What?
Tyler: Well we switched places. Stephen threw the cops off and then hopped a plane to Michigan. When the cops finally track him down, they'll figure out he's not me and give up.
John: Uh, Tyler...
Tyler: Well they won't, but oh well. We got a gig to play.
Russ: I wonder what Stephen's doing right now.
Scene XVIII
(Opens with Stephen standing on a stage by himself)
(Stephen takes several steps forward)
(Camera starts spinning around as "Instrumental" plays)
(View of Stephen sitting by the pool with a giant Silvester)
(View of Stephen bending his fingers back really far, standing by a mailbox)
(View of Stephen rolling down a hill)
(Camera cuts to a view of a convenience store)
(Camera pans over to a MEN'S ROOM as music fades)
Scene XVIII
(Opens at the Door)
(Intro for Chronic Faith is given)
(Band plays a song)
John: (over mic) Hey, we're Chronic Faith. Our lead guitarrest couldn't make it tonight, but we have our lead singer to fill in for him. Give it up for RJ Regenold everybody.
(Crowd applauds politely)
John: So anyways, we want to dedicate this next song to anyone whose ever hit rock bottom, only to see God's there to lift you up. This song is called "Sweet Jesus."
("Sweet Jesus" begins)
Scene XIX
(Opens with Stephen sipping a Dr. Pepper)
Stephen: (sighs) Who'd-a thought an innocent trip to Michigan would've led to my purchasing a floundering company. Check it out.
(Stephen holds up sign that reads: "STECLOSOFT"
Stephen: Steclosoft, pretty sweet. Hey, and with my new mainframe adapter relay module, I can tap into the Door's computer system and see how the band is doing.
(Two to three second pause)
Stephen: John, these computer lines suck.
John: (off-camera) Read the lines!
Stephen: You're the Hitler of movie directors.
John: And you're the Stalin of actors!
Stephen: John, this script is a piece of.
Scene XX
(Opens at the Door)
(Crowd is applauding)
RJ: Now before we get kicked out, we'd like to leave you with this one last song.
Tyler: (not on mic) ROCK!
(Band plays "Invincible")
Scene XXI
(Opens with Tyler, Russ, and RJ sitting on the transformer outside John and Stephen's house)
Russ: What a gig that was.
Tyler: Yeah, it rocked you guys.
RJ: Genevieve said it was our best performance ever.
(Genevieve walks on-camera)
Genevieve: So you wait till the last scene to finally mention my name!
RJ: I didn't do it. John wrote the script.
Genevieve: John?
(John flies past the camera on roller blades)
John: Weeeeeeeee!
(Genevieve runs off after him)
(John yells girlishly)
(Tyler laughs and claps RJ on the shoulder)
Tyler: That girl of yours is one of a kind.
RJ: She sure is, Browder. She sure is.
(Five to ten second pause)
(John is still yelling girlishly)
Russ: You know, this script really is a piece of.