Spamman

Act I: Scene I
(Opens with a view of Tyler walking up a sidewalk and talking on a cell phone)
Tyler: Uh huh. Yeah. I know, I know. Forty? Well ok, but it's coming out of your paycheck.
Narrator: Tyler Browder: guitarist, friend, and buffoon.
(During second half of narration, Tyler drops his keys and trips when he tries to bend down to get them)
Narrator: All around, a nice guy. He is coming over to his girl friend's house to take her to a local Blinding Light concert, but little does Tyler know just what lays inside.
Tyler: (opens door and closes it behind him)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Tyler stepping into the house)
Camera: (is facing the door and stays fixed on Tyler until Tyler gasps)
(Suspense music begins)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Maggie McGoogle lying on the floor, bloody and pale)
Tyler: Oh no! Maggie!
Tyler: (crouches down beside her and pulls out a piece of paper amidst the corpse)
Tyler: (reading) This dame knew too much. Her death was the only way to keep my name clean. Now that she is gone, the world will be mine!
Tyler: (gets to his feet)
Narrator: At the realization of his girl friend's gruesome murder, Tyler resolved to punish those responsible and to protect those in need.
Tyler: I shall become Spamman! I will befriend the good and befoul the evil. I shall rid this town of crime and usher in an era of peace and tranquility. Ah but every hero needs a sidekick. To the park!
(Batman-style music is heard as the camera spins around and around)

Act I: Scene II
(Opens with Tyler sitting at a card table in the park)
(Sign on the front of the table says: "WANTED: SIDE-KICK")
Tyler: Sidekick, who wants to be a sidekick. Step right up for your chance to be my sidekick.
Camera: (pans out so that we can see two guys, a girl, and another guy with a dog on a leash)
Tyler: Ok ok, who's first.
Chicken Wing: I am.
Tyler: Ok, so what do you call yourself?
Chicken Wing: I, am Chicken Wing.
Tyler: And why should I choose you as my sidekick?
Chicken Wing: Well, I can do this.
Chicken Wing: (throws off his shirt and starts singing)
Chicken Wing: When I was but a lad in me Irish land, I went and danced around to an Irish band. I found me a girl, ne'er met one so fine, and we danced in our skirts till a quarter past nine. When me--.
Tyler: Next!
Chicken Wing: Awww.
Chicken Wing: (walks off camera)
Turkey Leg: I am Turkey Leg.
Tyler: Turkey Leg? That's kind of stupid.
Turkey Leg: Well, I can do this.
Turkey Leg: (starts farting with his hands)
Tyler: Hmmmmmmm. Ok, you've moved on to the semi-finals.
Turkey Leg: Sweet!
Turkey Leg: (runs off-camera)
Tyler: Next!
Weenie Woman: (steps forward)
Tyler: I said next!
Weenie Woman: I am next.
Tyler: Oh... Well show me what you got.
Weenie Woman: (grabs the card table and hurls it over her head)
Chicken Wing: Ouch!
Tyler: Hmmmmmm. Pretty, and reckless! Ok, you made it to the semi-finals too, umm, what's your name?
Weenie Woman: Weenie Woman!
Tyler: Oo the sensors are gonna have a field day on that one. Ok, go over there with Turkey Leg. Next!
Weenie Woman: (walks off-camera)
Paul: (walks forward)
Tyler: Name?
Paul: Paul LeMaire.
Tyler: Not much of a super hero name.
Paul: No you don't understand. My dog wants to try out.
Tyler: What's the dog's name?
Paul: Hot Dog.
Tyler: Ok, Hot Dog. Show me what you got.
(Dog just stands there)
Tyler: Any credentials, any experience?
(Dog just stands there)
Tyler: Ever been to the hydrant over on University?
(Dog just stands there)
Tyler: (to Paul) why did you waste my time here?
Paul: My parents told me to.
Tyler: What? Your parents tell you what to do, and you do it?
Paul: Of course. I always do what I'm told.
Tyler: (stands up) By Jove I've found my sidekick.
Weenie Woman: That's a load of crap!
Paul: Look out!
(Tyler and Paul dodge in opposite directions as the card table comes flying at them)
Narrator: And thus was the beginning of Spamman and Bologna Boy!

Act I: Scene III
(Opens with Tyler and Paul in full costume)
Spamman: To the spammobile!
(Spamman theme begins)
Camera: (cuts to a view of the Spammobile and Spamman and Bologna Boy running toward it)
(During the rest of the scene...)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Spamman and Bologna Boy receiving food at Sonic)
Camera: (cuts to a view of the Spammobile speeding down a stretch of road)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Cop-1 writing Spamman a ticket)
Bologna Boy: (comes around while Spamman and Cop-1 are talking and begins hitting Cop-1 with a rolled-up newspaper)
Cop-2: (comes up behind Bologna Boy and cuffs him)
Cop-1: (cuffs Spamman)
Cops 1 and 2: (drag Spamman and Bologna Boy off-camera as the theme ends)

Act II: Scene I
(Opens with a view of the Spammobile pulling up to a house)
(Spamman and Bologna Boy climb out)
Bologna Boy: I can't believe we were arrested.
Spamman: I know. How are we supposed to defend the innocent while locked away like some common villain?
(Spamman and Bologna Boy begin walking down a sidewalk)
Bologna Boy: At least they let us go.
Spamman: Only because you brainwashed them with your disgustingly abundant knowledge of garden tools.
Bologna Boy: So sue me.
Spamman: (suddenly stops)
Bologna Boy: What is it, Spamman? Your briefs riding up?
Spamman: Yes, but there's something else. Something seems off.
Bologna Boy: Well we are barely wearing pants.
Spamman: No. It's something else, but I just can't put my finger on it.
Henchman-1: Get them!
Camera: (zooms out somewhat)
(Fight music begins)
Henchmen 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5: (jump on both sides of Spamman and Bologna Boy)
(For the next thirty seconds, both parties fight)
(Music fades off as Henchmen 3 and 4 carry Bologna Boy off-camera)
(Henchmen 1 and 2 lay unconscious)
(Spamman and Henchmen 5 struggle for a second, but Spamman is knocked out)
Henchman-5: (runs off-camera)

Act II: Scene II
(Opens with Bologna Boy tied to a chair)
Narrator: Deep within a large object, Bologna Boy lies in the clutches of the femme fetale herself, Gravy Girl.
Gravy Girl: (walks on-screen)
Gravy Girl: Well well well, if it isn't the junior half of the demonic duo. Without the great Spamman at your side, you are but a small bug beneath my heel.
Bologna Boy: What do you want you vile villain?
Gravy Girl: Why to be your friend my dear boy.
Bologna Boy: I'm not venison you bloated bowl of borsht.
Gravy Girl: I am a busy woman, Bologna Boy. So I leave you with two options: join me as my partner in crime or lure Spamman here, so that I may taunt him and poke him with pointy things.
Bologna Boy: I'd rather listen to Yoko Ono than help you I'll die before I lure Spamman to this lair of liquefied lard.
Gravy Girl: Oh but you will help me, Bologna Boy. Wallace, Morton, seize him.
Henchmen 1 and 2: (walk on-camera)
Henchmen 1 and 2: (carry Bologna Boy off-camera)
Bologna Boy: Do your worst, you fiend. I'll never turn to a life of crime.
Gravy Girl: (evilly) Oh yes you will. You will indeed.
Gravy Girl: (laughs evilly)
Gravy Girl: (coughs after a few seconds of laughing)
Gravy Girl: And once you're done, fetch me a lozenge.

Act II: Scene III
(Opens with Spamman getting to his feet)
Spamman: Bologna Boy! Bologna Boy! Where forth art thou! Bologna Boy's been kidnapped!
Narrator: Back on a random street, Spamman makes a startling discovery.
Spamman: A little late there, Jack.
Narrator: I'm sorry. Your casserole kept me in the little narrator's room during the last scene.
Spamman: How could you be in there for that long?
Narrator: They were out of toilet paper.
Spamman: How is that my fault?
Narrator: If you'd quit eating Mexican food every night, there might have been some left for us narrators.
Spamman: What narrators? You're the only one. And quite frankly, you're a crappy one at that.
Narrator: Watch it, foo', 'fore I bust a cap.
Spamman: Try me, Charley.
(Shoe hits Spamman)
Narrator: Get back to the movie!
Spamman: Oh fine. To the Spam Can!
(Batman-style music plays as camera spins around and around)
Camera: (cuts to a view of the Spam Can)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Spamman at a computer)
Spamman: Hmmmm... Ah ha! A message on my account. Someone has sent me some spam mail. I'll put it on the Spam Screen.
Camera: (cuts to a view of a big-screen TV)
(Screen flickers on as Spamman passes in front of the camera)
Bologna Boy: Spamman, I guess you're wondering where I am. Well, I managed to overpower those guys that jumped us. Meet me with the spammobile over behind the old shipyard. And Spamman, come alone.
(Screen goes black)
Spamman: Alone behind the old ship yard? Very remote and very suspicious. The spammobile might attract unwanted attention. To the Spam Scooter!
(Batman-style music plays as camera spins around really really fast)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Spamman on a child's scooter, moving down the street)
Spamman: Hold on! I'm coming, Bologna Boy!

Act II: Scene IV
(Opens with Gravy Girl sitting in a chair)
(Henchmen 1 and 2 stand beside Gravy Girl)
(On television screen, we can see Spamman continuing down the street on the scooter)
Narrator: But little does Spamman know that he is being watched.
Gravy Girl: Ha ha ha. That putrid pile of processed pork has no idea that he's walking into a trap. Wallace, Morton, prepare the gravy boat.
Henchmen 1 and 2: It will be done.
Henchmen 1 and 2: (walk off-screen)
Gravy Girl: Yes. Soon both Spamman and Bologna Boy will be under my control. Ha ha ha ha.

Act II: Scene V
(Opens with Spamman slowly coming out of the shadows into a pool of light cast by a streetlight)
Spamman: (looks around for several seconds)
Spamman: Bologna Boy. Where are you.
Bologna Boy: Right here, Spamman.
Bologna Boy: (walks into the light beside Spamman)
Spamman: Excellent. Come Bologna Boy, we must get back to the Spam Can.
(During this line, Henchmen 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 form a semi-circle behind Spamman and Bologna Boy)
Bologna Boy: Right, Spamman. We have a lot of work to do.
Spamman: Yes we do, Bologna Boy. But before we do, we need to take care of something.
Bologna Boy: What's that, Spamman?
Spamman: This!
Spamman: (whirls around and attacks Henchman-3)
(Simultaneously, Bologna Boy attacks Henchman-5)
(Fight music begins)
(Fight lasts for thirty to forty-five seconds)
(When the music fades, Spamman and Bologna Boy are the only ones left standing)
Spamman: Excellent work, Bologna Boy. That almost seemed as if that conflict were scripted. Now let us phone the police and let our justice system take care of these goons.
Cop-1: No need to worry, Spamman. The Poultry Heights Police Department is on the job.
Cop-1: (gets Henchman-2 to his feet and cuffs him)
Cop-1: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney.
Spamman: (as Cop-1 finishes) Well, Bologna Boy, looks like our job here is done.
Bologna Boy: Yep. To the Spam Can!
Spamman: Hey, I get to say that. To the Spam Can!
(Batman-style music plays as camera spins around really fast)
(Spamman theme plays)

Act III: Scene I
(Opens with Duchess and Girls 1 and 2 walking down the street)
Narrator: On a diplomatic conference to Poultry Heights, we join the legendary Duchess of Orleans strolling down Kentucky Avenue one summer afternoon.
Girl-1: Have you talked to him lately?
Duchess: Hardly. The little punk went out with Natalie de Mouton.
Girl-2: Lousy French philandering finch.
Girl-1: Nice alliteration.
Girl-2: Why thank you.
Henchmen 1 and 2: (jump at Duchess and Girls 1 and 2)
(Brief struggle ensues in which Duchess is carried off)
Girl-1: Get the police!

Act III: Scene II
(Opens with Paul and Tyler lying by the pool in lounge chairs)
Narrator: After a narrow escape, Spamman and Bologna Boy.
Paul: That's Tyler Browder and Paul LeMaire, stupid.
Narrator: Oh sorry. After a narrow escape, Tyler Browder and Paul LeMaire spend their Saturday lounging by the pool.
Tyler: Oh isn't this nice, Paul?
Paul: Yep. What better way to spend our Saturday than by lounging by the pool. Say did you order some lunch?
Tyler: Of course. You wanted Mexican, right?
Paul: (pats his belly)
Paul: You probably don't want me having Mexican, but I know I love it.
Delivery Boy: Delivery for a Mr. Browder.
Tyler: Right here, my good man.
Delivery Boy: (hands Tyler bag of food)
Delivery Boy: That'll be $8.99.
Paul: (hands Delivery Boy some money)
Delivery Boy: Thank you. Enjoy the food.
Delivery Boy: (walks off-camera)
Paul: Hook me up with a burrito, Browder.
Tyler: Ok. Think fast!
Tyler: (throws burrito at Paul)
Paul: (grabs the burrito and unwraps it)
Tyler: There's nothing like Mexican food on a hot summer's day.
Paul: Holy secret messages, Spamman, der, Tyler. There's a note in my burrito.
Tyler: What does it say?
Paul: (reading note) Spamman and Bologna Boy: I have captured the Duchess of Orleans and am holding her for ransom. If you want to see her again, bring $1,000,000 to the Taco Bell by the mall.
Tyler: This can only be the work of one man, Paul.
Paul: Senor Queso!
Tyler: Precisely. To the Spam Can!
(Spamman theme plays as the camera spins around and around)

Act III: Scene III
(Opens with Spamman and Bologna Boy in the Spam Can)
Bologna Boy: How can we find the Duchess, Spamman?
Spamman: There may be some spam on the spam-mail.
Bologna Boy: Of course, the spam mail!
Spamman: (runs over to the computer and sits down)
Bologna Boy: So tell me Spamman, how did you know it was a trap? You know... Back by the shipyard?
Spamman: Well, Bologna Boy. Whenever I meet you in the spammobile, we usually meet at the Sonic over by the university. And your tone of voice told me that you were under someone else's control.
Bologna Boy: Brilliant, Spamman, brilliant.
Spamman: But tell me, Bologna Boy, how did you break free of the mind control?
Bologna Boy: I didn't until the attack. One of the henchmen hit me in the head. That impact disrupted Gravy Girl's mind control long enough for me to regain control.
Spamman: Nothing on the spam-mail I'm afraid.
Bologna Boy: Let's try the Spam Scanner.
Spamman: Good thinking, Bologna Boy!
Spamman and Bologna Boy: (walk over to a small radio)
Spamman: Let's see... Four hundred kilohertz... Bandwidth spanning twenty watts... Ah ha, a transmission. I'll project it on the Spam Screen.
Camera: (cuts to a view of the Spam Screen)
(Senor Queso flickers on-screen)
Senor Queso: Ay bato, this is Senor Queso. I want some peso, pato. I have the Duchess and for her, I want $1,000,000 in cash. If you are not at the Taco Bell by the mall at noon tomorrow, I will kill her, and that's no lie. I don't lie bout this type of thing, bato. And don't think you can find me before then, 'cuz I'm hidden in a very hidden place. Ay Carlos, put that conga drum away. Burgers!
(Screen goes black)
Bologna Boy: I'm stumped, Spamman. Where could that sombrero be?
Spamman: It's obvious, Bologna Boy.
Bologna Boy: What? How?
Spamman: Think of the clues. He's Spanish, loves Mexican food, is near a conga drum...
Bologna Boy: Pablo's Pawnshop!
Spamman: Exactly, Bologna Boy. To the Spammobile!
(Instrumental of Spamman theme plays)

Act IV: Scene I
(Opens with Senor Queso sitting on a couch)
(Senor Queso is eating a banana)
Narrator: Meanwhile, in a secret location.
Henchmen 1 and 2: (drag the Duchess on-camera)
Henchman-1: Here she is, boss.
Senor Queso: Excellent, amigos. Leave us.
Henchmen 1 and 2: (walk off-camera)
Duchess: What do you want you conniving cacophony of queso?
Senor Queso: What do I want? Why, peso of course. You see, disturbing news has reached my ears. It seems that no one is taking my threats very seriously. Your majesty, I am an impatient man. If I do not receive my $1,000,000 by noon, I will kill you.
Duchess: You monster! My family will never give in to terrorist threats.
Senor Queso: Perhaps not. But if you're found dead on the side of the road, then your family, and the world, will think twice before doubting Senor Queso!
Duchess: You heartless monster! Spamman will stop you.
Senor Queso: (laughs) Spamman? Not likely. Right now he is heading for Pablo's Pawnshop. And when he arrives, I will have a little surprise waiting for him.
Senor Queso: (laughs evilly)

Act IV: Scene II
(Opens with a view of the Spammobile pulling up to the curb)
Narrator: Back at Pablo's Pawnshop, Spamman and Bologna Boy are just making their entrance.
Spamman: This is the place, Bologna Boy.
Bologna Boy: Right. Let's go inside.
Spamman: And go we shall.
Spamman: (opens the door)
Bologna Boy: (follows Spamman inside and closes the door)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Spamman and Bologna Boy walking down a hallway with two doors on either side)
Henchmen 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5: (jump into the hall as Spamman and Bologna Boy reach the second set of doors)
(Fighting music plays for thirty to forty-five seconds)
(When it is done, Spamman and Bologna Boy are lying unconscious)
Henchman-5: The boss wants them in the tank.
Henchmen 1, 2, 3, and 4: (drag Spamman and Bologna Boy into one of the rooms)

Act IV: Scene III
(Opens with Senor Queso standing with Duchess and Henchmen 1 and 2)
Senor Queso: And now, Spamman and Bologna Boy will meet their end! Watch, Duchess. Watch the monitor!
Camera: (cuts to a view of Spamman and Bologna Boy lying in a small room, tied up)
Senor Queso: (over hidden walky-talky) you will not stand in the way of my plans, Spamman. You are trapped in a watertight room. When I pull this lever, the oxygen will slowly be drained from it, leaving you and the boy blunder permanently out of my way. Good-bye, Spamman. I can't say that I'll miss you. Well I could, but it would be a lie.
(Sounds of air loss begin)
Narrator: Is this the end of our heroes? Will Senor Queso get away with his plan? Where is the Duchess really being held? Why am I asking questions which no one can answer? Stay tuned and find out.

Act IV: Scene IV
(Opens with Senor Queso standing with the Duchess and Henchmen 1 and 2)
Senor Queso: Watch, my friends. Watch as Spamman and Bologna Boy die!
(On television screen, we can see Spamman and Bologna Boy lying on the floor, gasping)
Spamman: I don't think so, Senor Queso.
Senor Queso: What? But you're... You... You're right there!
Spamman: No, Senor. We knew better than to trust you. Anticipating a trap, Bologna Boy here rigged up some Spamman and Bologna Boy robots.
Senor Queso: You may have escaped from my chamber of death, but I will still be victorious. Casedillas, attack!
Henchmen 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5: (jump out at Spamman and Bologna Boy)
(Fighting music goes on for a full minute)
(During this time, Senor Queso leaves the room with the Duchess)
(At the end of the music, all five henchmen are on the ground)
Bologna Boy: Holy distractions, Spamman! Senor Queso's getting away!
Spamman: We must think of a plan, Bologna Boy.
Bologna Boy: (moving over to the window) Look, Spamman. Senor Queso's getting away in the Gravy Boat!
Spamman: To the spammobile!
(Batman-style music plays as camera spins really fast)

Act IV: Scene V
(Spamman instrumental plays throughout)
(Chase scene between the Gravy Boat and the Spammobile)
(At the end of the scene, the Gravy Boat gets away)

Act V: Scene I
(Opens with a view of the Spam Can)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Spamman and Bologna Boy sulking in the Spam Can)
Spamman: We've failed, Bologna Boy. The deadline's in four hours.
Bologna Boy: What are we gonna do, Spamman? They could be across the border by now.
Spamman: Indeed, Bologna Boy, indeed.
(Phone rings)
Spamman: Spamman.
(Pause)
Spamman: What's that?
Bologna Boy: Who is it?
Spamman: (whispering) it's the cop from scene nine.
Bologna Boy: Ah.
Spamman: What's that? A message? Where? Alright, we'll be right there.
Spamman: (hangs up phone)
Spamman: Come, Bologna Boy. Chief LeMaire just called. They received a call down at the station a few moments ago.
Bologna Boy: We haven't a moment to lose.
Spamman: To the spammobile!
(Batman-style music plays as camera spins around really fast)

Act V: Scene II
(Opens in Chief LeMaire's office)
(Cop-1 is sitting at his desk)
Spamman and Bologna Boy: (run on-screen)
Spamman: We got here as soon as we could, Chief. Now what was in that message?
Cop-1: It was from Senor Queso, Spamman. Here, I'll put on the speakerphone.
Cop-1: (swivels in chair and presses a few buttons on a nearby phone)
Senor Queso: (over speaker phone) Allo, this is Senor Queso. You have three and a half hours to bring me my $1,000,000 to the Taco Bell by the mall. Any individual who tries to foil my plans will pay with his life. Heed this warning, gentlemen. It will be your last.
Bologna Boy: Why that no-good, greasy glob of Gorgonzola. He means to terrorize Poultry Heights.
Cop-1: I'm afraid it's worse than that. The Duke of Orleans has rallied the province. If the Duchess is killed, France may declare war on the United States.
Bologna Boy: Holy hammocks, Spamman. This is serious!
Spamman: Indeed it is, Bologna Boy. But I think I know where Senor Queso is hiding out.
Cop-1: Where, Spamman?
Spamman: Remember the clues, gentlemen. The Duchess was kidnapped on Kentucky Avenue. Senor Queso led us to Pablo's Pawnshop. Then he calls the station at precisely, what time, Chief?
Cop-1: Uh, 8:23.
Bologna Boy: Holy Halloween candy, Spamman. The Poultry Heights Country Club!
Spamman: Precisely, Bologna Boy. Farewell, Chief. The boy blunder and myself have a villain to foil. To the Spammobile!
(Batman-style music plays as camera spins around really fast)

Act V: Scene III
(Opens with Senor Queso and Gravy Girl sitting at a table)
(A tennis court is in the background)
Senor Queso: Ah yes. In a few moments I will be rich.
Gravy Girl: What about me?
Senor Queso: My dear, we are a team. When the $1,000,000 comes in, I will buy you a slurpee.
Gravy Girl: (gets to her feet)
Gravy Girl: That wasn't part of the deal.
Senor Queso: Eh it's my Spanish humor.
Girl-1: (walks on-screen)
Girl-1: Your queso, sir.
Girl-1: (puts bowl of cheese cubes on the table)
Girl-1: (walks off)
Senor Queso: Thank you. Now be off!
Girl-1: (off-camera) I am off.
Senor Queso: Oh, very good then.
Gravy Girl: I want my share of the money.
Senor Queso: Why should I give you a dime? It's my estate we're at now. It's my Taco Bell where we're leading Spamman and Bologna Boy. It's my cousin's pawnshop where we set the trap.
Gravy Girl: But if it weren't for me, you would've been captured long ago.
Senor Queso: This is true.
Gravy Girl: And if you don't give me half of the money, I will tell Spamman where you are.
Spamman: That won't be necessary. You've already told us what we need to know.
Senor Queso: (gets to his feet)
Senor Queso: Spamman! No!
Spamman and Bologna Boy: (step on-screen)
Gravy Girl: Curses!
Senor Queso: Guards, attack!
(Fighting music starts)
Henchmen 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5: (jump on-screen)
(Fighting ensues for thirty to forty-five seconds)
(When the fighting stops, Spamman and Bologna Boy lie motionless)
Senor Queso: Good work, men. Now take them to the cheese wheel.
Senor Queso: (laughs evilly as Spamman and Bologna Boy are carried off-camera)

Act V: Scene IV
(Opens with Spamman and Bologna Boy tied to two round tables)
(Henchmen 1, 2, 3, and 4 start rolling them toward the camera)
Narrator: Has Senor Queso succeeded in destroying our heroes? Has he succeeded where Gravy Girl failed? Where is the Duchess being held? Will the city pay the ransom? And will this movie ever use any realistic props?
Henchman-3: Nope.
Narrator: Stay tuned for the conclusion of this exciting and disgustingly unrealistic adventure.

Act VI: Scene I
(Opens with a view of a raging river)
(Suspense music starts)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Senor Queso with Henchmen 1 and 2 flanking him)
Senor Queso: Observe as Spamman and Bologna Boy meet their doom.
Senor Queso: (laughs evilly)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Spamman and Bologna Boy rolling toward the camera)
Camera: (cuts to a shot of the two tables rolling off down a steep incline out of sight)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Senor Queso and Henchmen 1 and 2)
Senor Queso: Ha ha ha. My friends, you have just witnessed the end of Spamman and Bologna Boy. Gravy Girl!
Gravy Girl: (walks on-screen)
Gravy Girl: Yes, Senor?
Senor Queso: Prepare the Gravy Boat. If those fools do not pay my $1,000,000 then I...
Gravy Girl: (interrupting) Our million, you mean.
Senor Queso: Of course. If they do not pay our million, we will need a quick get-away after the Duchess' assassination.
Gravy Girl: Of course.
Gravy Girl: (walks off-screen)
Senor Queso: Now, we will need to make plans. Morton, get me a condo in Alcapono. Wallace, run to a seven eleven and get us some slurpees.
Spamman: I'm afraid the only thing you'll be slurping is the cold bitter molasses of our judicial system.
Senor Queso: Spamman! But how?
Spamman: It was quite simple, really. Bologna Boy and myself used our can-openers to cut through your bonds.
Senor Queso: I knew I shouldn't have invested in the market. Get them!
Spamman and Bologna Boy: (run on-screen)
(Fight music starts)
Henchmen 3, 4, and 5: (run on-screen and start fighting)
(After a minute or so, Senor Queso escapes as Spamman overpowers Henchman-5)
(Music fades)
Bologna Boy: Holy hemoglobin, Spamman. He's getting away again.
Spamman: To the spammobile!
(Batman-style music plays as camera spins around really fast)

Act VI: Scene II
(Spamman instrumental plays)
(Several shots of the Spammobile chasing the Gravy Boat)
(Last frame is of the Gravy Boat speeding into a dead-end street and the Spammobile closing the gap)
(Music fades)
Spamman and Bologna Boy: (jump out of the Spammobile and run toward the Gravy Boat)
Gravy Girl, Senor Queso, Henchmen 1 and 2, and Duchess: (climb out of the Gravy Boat)
Senor Queso: Wallace, Morton!
Henchmen 1 and 2: (grab the Duchess and hold her back)
Senor Queso: (reaches into the car and pulls out a giant super soaker)
Spamman: The jig is up, Senor Queso.
Bologna Boy: Surrender.
Senor Queso: Don't move a muscle!
Senor Queso: (points the gun at Duchess)
Gravy Girl: One step and the Duchess gets it.
Bologna Boy: But that won't hurt her.
Senor Queso: No, but it will make her really wet.
Bologna Boy: That's barbaric!
Spamman: What are your demands, Queso?
Senor Queso: Have I not said this time after time? I want $1,000,000!
Spamman: Let me take her place.
Bologna Boy: Spamman, no!
Senor Queso: You make an interesting proposal. True, a royal official is valuable. But the ransom I could demand for Spamman.
Gravy Girl: Why you could get ten times as much.
Senor Queso: Very well, Spamman. Morton, Wallace, release the Duchess.
Henchmen 1 and 2: (let Duchess go)
Duchess: (walks over and stands between Spamman and Bologna Boy)
Spamman: A deal's a deal, Senor Queso.
Henchmen 1 and 2: (walk over and escort Spamman to the Gravy Boat)
Bologna Boy: Spamman, you can't.
Spamman: Yes I can, Bologna boy. Now drive the Duchess of Orleans to the Poultry Heights Plaza Hotel. I'm sure her husband will want to know that she's safe.
Senor Queso: Come, Gravy Girl. We've plans to devise.
Gravy Girl: Evil plans.
Senor Queso and Gravy Girl: (turn and head toward the Gravy Boat)
Spamman: Take care, Bologna Boy.
(Doors close)
Bologna Boy: (stands there as Gravy Boat drives off-screen)
Duchess: Well?
Bologna Boy: Oh right. Come on.
Bologna Boy: (climbs into the Spammobile)
(Spammobile drives away)

Act VI: Scene III
(Opens in the parking lot of a hotel)
(Spammobile pulls up)
Bologna Boy and Duchess: (climb out of the Spammobile)
Bologna Boy: I'm sorry you've had to go through all this.
Duchess: Oh it's alright. I just hope the duke has our jet ready to leave.
Bologna Boy and Duchess: (walk toward the hotel)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Henchmen 1, 2, and 3 creeping through an alley)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Bologna Boy and Duchess crossing the parking lot)
Henchman-1: Get them!
(Fighting music starts)
Henchmen 1, 2, and 3: (jump into view)
(Fight continues for thirty seconds)
(At the end of the fight, Henchmen 1, 2, and 3 are lying motionless on the ground)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Bologna Boy and Duchess running down the street)
Henchmen 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 and Gravy Girl and Girl-1: (jump out from behind a bush)
(Fight ensues for one full minute)
(At the end of the fight, Bologna Boy is unconscious)
(Henchmen 4 and 5 are unconscious as well)
Henchmen 1, and 2: (carry Duchess off-camera)
Henchman-3, Gravy Girl, and Girl-1: (follow Henchmen 1 and 2 off-screen)
(Fighting music finally fades)

Act VI: Scene IV
(Opens with Cop-1 sitting at his desk, eating a doughnut)
Cop-1: Oh yeah. This is what being a cop is all about.
Bologna Boy: (frantically) Chief LeMaire! Chief LeMaire!
Cop-1: (puts doughnuts in desk drawer)
Bologna Boy: (walks into the office)
Bologna Boy: They've got Spamman and the Duchess.
Cop-1: No, Bologna Boy.
Bologna Boy: Yes! Spamman exchanged himself for her so that she might be free. But when I went to drop the Duchess off at the hotel, we were jumped by a half-dozen of the faceless extras. I managed to knock a few out, but it wasn't enough.
Cop-1: That is grave news, Bologna Boy. But I fear that I am unable to provide you with any of my men. Blinding Light's in concert at the Poultry Heights Cathedral, and I've sent most of my officers to keep the crowds calm.
Bologna Boy: I understand, Chief. I guess it's up to me.
Cop-1: Good luck, Bologna Boy. The fate of Poultry Heights rests on your shoulders.

Act VII: Scene I
(Opens with Bologna Boy walking down the street)
(Rocky theme plays in the background)
(Scene of Bologna Boy winning a race against Henchmen 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5)
(Scene of Bologna Boy chugging a three-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper while holding Girl-1 on his shoulders)
(Scene of Bologna Boy struggling to bench a bar)
Camera: (zooms out to show no weight on the bar)
(Scene of Bologna Boy hugging Girl-1, then shoving her into a swimming pool)
(Scene of Bologna Boy going down the stairs on his stomach)
(Scene of Bologna Boy jumping up and down on a trampoline)
(Scene of Bologna Boy hugging Girl-1, then Girl-1 shoving Bologna Boy into a swimming pool)
(Scene of the Spammobile driving in circles)
(Music fades)

Act VII: Scene II
(Opens with Newsman at desk)
Newsman: We interrupt this program to bring you some rather disturbing news. The failure to return the Duchess of Orleans to the French government has led to several dozen riots in Paris. Extremists are in favor of war with the United States. And if the Duchess isn't returned soon, such a travesty may become a reality. Chancellor Jean-Robert de le Mouton Fou had this to say in response to the American embassy's recent state address.
(Clip of Frenchman from Monty Python)
Newsman: on a related note, the diabolical Senor Queso has captured Spamman. The Queso has told reporters that he wants $10,000,000 for the caped crusader and will reek havoc if his demands aren't met. That's all for now. Stay tuned to this station for further updates.

Act VII: Scene III
(Opens with a view of a very big house)
Narrator: Meanwhile--.
Bologna Boy: Sssshhhh. I'm trying to be subtle here.
Narrator: (whispering) Sorry. Meanwhile, at the Queso Casa...
Bologna Boy: (steps on-screen)
Bologna Boy: Ah ha! The Queso Casa. Now to rescue Spamman and the Duchess.
Bologna Boy: (walks off-camera)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Henchmen 1 and 2 standing with guns in their hands, standing guard)
(Five-second pause)
Bologna Boy: (rushes on-screen, attacking Henchmen 1 and 2)
Henchmen 1 and 2: (struggle for a few seconds, but fall to the ground)
Bologna Boy: (walks off-camera past the fallen guards)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Bologna Boy slinking through a back-yard)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Henchmen 3 and 4 standing guard in front of a garage-door)
Bologna Boy: (jumps on-screen and attacks)
Henchmen 3 and 4: (struggle for a few seconds, but fall to the ground)
Bologna Boy: (kneels down by Henchman-4)
Bologna Boy: (pulls out a wallet of Henchman-4's pocket)
Bologna boy: (pulls out a slip of paper from the wallet)
Bologna Boy: (walks over to a control pad and inputs a few numbers)
(The garage door begins to rise)
(When the door is waist-high, we can see Senor Queso and Gravy Girl standing behind the door)
Senor Queso: Hello, Bologna Boy.
Bologna Boy: (jumps under the door)
Senor Queso: Close the door!
(Garage door begins to close)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Bologna Boy, Senor Queso, and Gravy Girl standing in the garage)
Bologna Boy: You'll never get away with this!
Senor Queso: I hate it when you super heroes say that!
Bologna Boy: Do you really think you can defeat me?
Senor Queso: Of course not, but he can!
Gravy Girl: Spamman, seize him!
Spamman: (walks on-screen)
Bologna Boy: What? Spamman would never do such a thing!
Gravy Girl: Oh but he will. Spamman, seize him now!
Spamman: (walks forward)
Bologna Boy: (steps away)
Bologna Boy: Snap out of it, Spamman!
Senor Queso: You can do nothing, Bologna Boy. He is under our control!
Spamman: (corners Bologna Boy)
Spamman: (picks Bologna Boy up and throws him over his shoulder)
Gravy Girl: Take him to the safe-room.
Bologna Boy: You'll never get away with this!
Senor Queso: Eh shut up, bato. The sooner you and crapman are gone, the better.
Gravy Girl: Tell me about it.
Spamman: (walks off-screen)

Act VII: Scene IV
(Opens with Cop-1 and Duke of Orleans walking toward a small building)
(Cop-1 is carrying a large bag)
Duke: Are you sure this is the only way?
Cop-1: Yes. I'm afraid Senor Queso means what he says. If we give him the money, we can have her majesty back safe and sound.
Duke: I dare say war with our nation would be quite an unfortunate predicament.
Cop-1: Say, if you're from France, why do you talk with a British accent?
Senor Queso: (walks on-screen with Duchess)
Senor Queso: Ah ha! Chief LeMaire, you have the pesos?
Cop-1: Yes. Here, take it.
Senor Queso: Oh don't mind if I do.
Senor Queso: (takes the money)
Senor Queso: And here is the duchess as promised.
Duke: (grabs Duchess and hugs her)
Cop-1: What about Spamman?
Senor Queso: What? Oh yes. He and Bologna Boy will soon meet their death. Good-bye, Chief.
Cop-1: What?
Senor Queso: (runs off-screen)
Cop-1: Quincy, get that man! After him! After him!
Senor Queso: (screams loudly)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Senor Queso jumping into the Gravy Boat)
Senor Queso: (jumps into the Gravy Boat)
(Gravy Boat begins to drive away)
Senor Queso: (out window) Bye bye, Senor!
(Gravy Boat drives off-screen)
(A few seconds later, cop car follows)

Act VII: Scene V
(Chase music plays)
(Four to five scenes of Cop Car after Gravy Boat appear)
(camera: (cuts to a view of the Gravy Boat at an intersection)
(Gravy Boat disappears)
(Chase music fades as Cop Car pulls up to the intersection)
Cop-1: What? Where did they go! No! We lost'em!

Act VIII: Scene I
(Opens with Gravy Girl and Senor Queso in the Queso Casa)
Senor Queso: That was a close one. That was some nice drivin', Gravy Girl.
Gravy Girl: Why thank you. So what are we to do with the demonic duo?
Senor Queso: Tell me, my dear. What happens when you stick a can of spam in the microwave?
Gravy Girl: The chemicals in the glue on the label emit a toxic gas which renders the body helpless and increases cell production in the flagellant gland.
Senor Queso: Ah, but after that?
Gravy Girl: Why the can explodes. So you... Brilliant, Senor!
Senor Queso: Why thank you. Come, let us finally rid ourselves of these meaty meddling fools.
Senor Queso and Gravy Girl: (walk off-camera)

Act VIII: Scene II
(Opens with Gravy Girl, Senor Queso, and Henchman-2 standing in an alcove)
Senor Queso: Morton, under no circumstances let anyone but Gravy Girl and myself through this corridor.
Henchman-2: I understand.
Senor Queso and Gravy Girl: (open the door and walk inside)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Spamman standing over Bologna Boy who is tied up in a small room) (Spamman's wrists and ankles are tied together)
Bologna Boy: I can't believe this. Captured by my own partner. I hope you can live with what you've done.
Spamman: (in a drone voice) What I did was the will of my master.
Bologna Boy: Your master is an evil villain who's going to kill us both.
Spamman: If that is my master's will, then it is my own.
Bologna Boy: But he's endangering innocent lives!
Spamman: If that is my master's will, then it is my own.
Senor Queso: (opens door and steps in)
Senor Queso: Allo gentlemen. It may please you to know that this room has been wired to a thirty mega-ton bomb. In five minutes, the fuse will detonate, and you both will be permanently out of my way. Good-bye, demonic duo. Good-bye forever!
Spamman: Now, Bologna Boy!
Bologna Boy: (throws his ropes aside, jumping to his feet)
(Fight music begins)
Spamman: (throws off his ropes)
(Fight ensues with Senor Queso and Gravy Girl falling to the floor after about thirty seconds)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Henchman-2 standing on his head outside the door)
Spamman and Bologna Boy: (walk out the door, dressed like Senor Queso and Gravy Girl)
Spamman: (imitating Senor Queso) Lock the door and set the room for a three-minute auto-destruct, Senor.
Henchman-2: Aye, sir.
Spamman and Bologna Boy: (walk off-screen)
Henchman-2: (enters a few buttons on a key-pad)
Henchman-2: (walks off-camera)
Camera: (zooms in on the doors)
Senor Queso and Gravy Girl: (beat on the doors)
Senor Queso and Gravy Girl: (shout for help)

Act VIII: Scene III
(Opens with a view of the Queso Casa)
(Spammobile drives out of the garage)
(Suspense music plays throughout the scene)
Henchmen 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5: (run to the Gravy Boat)
(Gravy Boat drives away)
(After a few seconds, the Queso Casa explodes)

Act VIII: Scene IV
(Opens with Blinding Light playing at Trinity Church)
(Band plays Jamaican Song)
Tyler: Well guys, me and Paul gotta go.
Paul: Yeah, jury duty.
RJ: Ok, same time next week?
Paul: You got it.
Robbie: Alright, bye Browder. Bye Pablo.
Paul: Seeya Robbie.
Tyler and Paul: (walk off-screen)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Tyler and Paul outside the church)
Tyler: What did you need to show me?
Paul: This!
Paul: (pulls a newspaper out of his pants)
Paul: (reading) The dastardly master criminals, Senor Juan Miguel Queso and Jennifer Gravy Girl Dower were found charred and dead at the scene of a massive explosion earlier this week. Investigative reports conclude that faulty electrical wiring in the old restaurant led to a recursive feedback current which ignited a primitive supply of explosives in a store room. At this time, only the two master criminals have been reported dead as a direct result of the explosion. However, forensic teams will be covering the area for the next few days in search of other casualties.
Paul: (high-fives Tyler)
Tyler: Oh yeah!
Paul: What do you say you and I head over to the strip and get us some chicks.
Tyler: Great idea as usual my tiny friend.
Robbie: (runs outside)
Robbie: Have you guys heard? The Computer Nerd just robbed the comp USA by the square! Evil robots are running rampid! The town's in a panic!
Tyler: (slams the door in Robbie's face)
Tyler and Paul: To the spammobile!

Act VIII: Scene V
(Spamman theme plays)
(Various scenes in which the Spammobile cruises in and out of the frame are shown)
(Credits play)