Track-01:
(Opens with Reverend BigDawg in church)
(Crowd applauds)
Reverend BigDawg: Oh yes, thank you all. As you go on this, the most blessed eve of them all, remember our Lord and his sacrifice he made through his son. For it is not through acts that we are saved, but through God's grace. Amen?
Crowd: Amen.
Reverend BigDawg: Merry Christmas!
Crowd: (drones for a few seconds)
Reverend BigDawg: Now it's time for Reverend BigDawg to go home.
(After a few seconds, door opens and closes.)
Reverend BigDawg: Let's see. Where are those keys? Umm, quarter, credit card, grenade.
(Throws grenade)
(Explosion is heard)
Reverend BigDawg: Ah ha!
(Jingling keys)
Reverend BigDawg: Here they are. Let's go to my car now. It's a 2002 VGC+. The coolest car around.
(Door opens)
Reverend BigDawg: Ah.
(Door closes)
Reverend BigDawg: Oh yeah. Now I'm headin' on home! Oh boy!
(Drives off)
Track-02
Santa Claus is coming to Town
Track-03
Reverend BigDawg: (gets out of car)
Reverend BigDawg: Doo dah doo dah doo.
Reverend BigDawg: (opens and closes door)
Reverend BigDawg: Hey... There's someone in my house. Reverend BigDawg's gonna investigate. Hmmmmmm. There's no one down here.
(Runs upstairs)
Reverend BigDawg: Let's check up here!
(Slowly, you can hear Reverend BigDawg singing in the shower)
BigDawg-2: I was walking through the park one day, 'cuz I flushed my keys down the drain. La, la la, la la, la la, doo, doo doo, doo doo, bla bla bla bla bla!! I was eating some pork one day, 'cuz I threw all the veal away.
Reverend BigDawg: (while BigDawg-2 sings) Hey wait a minute! What's going on here? Reverend BigDawg is confused. Who is in my shower!
(Moves closer)
(Opens door)
(Teeth brushing sounds are heard)
(Hair-spray sounds are heard)
Reverend BigDawg: What is going on here!
BigDawg-3: Oh I'm just brushing my teeth.
BigDawg-4: I'm just doing my hair.
Reverend BigDawg: But why and how?
BigDawg-3: What?
BigDawg-4: That's right, you haven't been yet.
BigDawg-3: Of course.
Reverend BigDawg: What are you two talking about?
BigDawg-2: I'm done with the shower. Who needs it next?
BigDawgs 3 and 4: No I think I'm ok. Yeah? Yeah we're all good I do believe.
Reverend BigDawg: But wait, I....
BigDawg-2: Then let's go!
BigDawgs 3 and 4: Yeah! Come on!
BigDawgs 2, 3, and 4: Oh boy, come on! Yeah yeah!
(Door slams)
Reverend BigDawg: Wow, that was unexpected. Why were three of me in my house? Oh well. It's time to fix me some Christmas dinner. Oh yeah!
Track-04
Jingle Bells
Track-05
Reverend BigDawg: Yeh buddy! It's time for cooking with Reverend BigDawg!
(Pots and pans start clanging)
Reverend BigDawg: Let me just get my things ready here, and ah, there we go.
(Clattering stops)
Reverend BigDawg: Now we'll need three pounds of fudge, some ice cream, a gallon of milk, two packages of cream cheese, some olive oil, a cow, and a banana. Now take the cow.
(Cow moo)
Reverend BigDawg: and stick it in your crock-pot.
(Clanging sound)
Reverend BigDawg: No wait, d'oh, I always do that. Out of the pot, Bessie.
(Cow moo with echo)
Reverend BigDawg: And wait, why am I using a crock-pot in the first place. Huh!
(Pot flies and breaks window)
Reverend BigDawg: Get yourself a mixing bowl and pour in an entire thing of olive oil, like so.
(Pouring sound)
Reverend BigDawg: There we go. Now.
(Bottle is set down)
Reverend BigDawg: Now take your ice cream.
(Carton hits table)
Reverend BigDawg: And scoop it on in. Doo dah doo. A few more, and there we go.
(Spoon set down)
Reverend BigDawg: Now pour everything into the bowl. Oh yeah. Pour-pour, oh boy!
(Pouring sounds and sounds of shaking something in a box are heard)
Reverend BigDawg: Now for the best part.
(Door with the toaster opens)
Reverend BigDawg: Pour the mixture into the blender. Oh yeah.
(Scooping and pouring sounds)
Reverend BigDawg: Now make sure you put on the lid, because Rev BigDawg forgot last year. Oh boy. And now, it's blending time!
(Blender sound begins)
Reverend BigDawg: Wow, look at them blend! Woo boy!
(Blender sound starts mutating)
Reverend BigDawg: Wait, this ain't right. What's wrong with this blender!
(Hits blender)
(Blender sound dies off as a bizarre sci-fi sound ensues)
Reverend BigDawg: Everything's going dark. Oh no!
(Rumbling sound)
Reverend BigDawg: What's going on! Aaaah, Reverend BigDawg!
(Rumbling turns into the sound similar to a jet taking off)
Track-06
Oh Christmas Tree
Track-07
(Cold wind blows)
Reverend BigDawg: Brrrrrrr, it's cold. Where am I?
(Little Santa Cyborgs sing)
Reverend BigDawg: Hey, I remember them from a year ago. See, Rev BigDawg was off at the--.
(Clip of harp music)
(Clip from last year's CD)
(Harp music again)
Reverend BigDawg: So what do you want?
Cyby-1: Santa needs your help.
Cyby-2: We brought you here through the Blender of Christmas.
Reverend BigDawg: Wow! The Blender of Christmas. So where is Santa?
Cyby-1: Where else?
Cyby-2: Santa's workshop.
Cybies 1 and 2: Follow us, follow us, follow us.
Reverend BigDawg: Ok, let's go. Oh yeah!
Track-08
RJ'S song.
Track-09
(Cold wind blows)
(Walking sounds through snow)
Reverend BigDawg: It sure is cold.
Cybies 1 and 2: (laugh)
Cyby-1: Weatherman says we may break 0 tomorrow.
Cyby-2: Yeah!
Reverend BigDawg: Wow! That's pretty cool. Ah ha! There it is.
Cybies 1 and 2: Follow us, follow us, follow us.
(In Santa's workshop)
Pager: Tinky Winky, please report to toys and games. Tinky Winky to toys and games.
Reverend BigDawg: Look at all the toys!
Bobbo: Hey there George. I'm Bob, the biggest elf here.
Reverend BigDawg: What four three?
Bobbo: Four five actually.
Reverend BigDawg: Well I'm pleased to meet you.
Bobbo: Same here, George. Now follow me. Santa's in the back talking with the reindeer.
(Footsteps sounds are heard)
(Sound of workshop fades)
Bobbo: Santa?
Santa: Yes, Bobbo. Close the door.
(Door closes softly)
Reverend BigDawg: Hey, Santa.
Santa: Oh hello there Reverend BigDawg. First of all I want to thank you for coming.
Reverend BigDawg: Don't thank me, thank my blender.
Santa: In do time.
Reverend BigDawg: So why did you want me to come?
Santa: Well you know that whole drilling in Alaska thing?
Reverend BigDawg: Yeah.
Santa: Well, I was out milking the penguins when---.
(Harp music begins)
(Cold wind blows)
Santa: Come on Poopie. Just a little more. That a girl.
(Construction sounds begin off in the distance)
Santa: Now what is that?
(Three to five second pause)
Santa: Santa will get to the bottom of this.
(Construction sounds get louder)
Santa: Hey you! What do you think you're doing!
Workman: Drilling for oil. Bush says it's best for the nation.
Santa: Well you're upsetting the reindeer. Donner's listening to the Partridge Family and Blitsyn has an ulcer.
Workman: Sorry there, tubby. But your reindeer gotta live with it.
Santa: Get out of here!
Workman: Ay why don't you make me you half-eaten body-snatched withered old boxcar.
Santa: Santa Cyborg!
Workman: Wo hey now. No!
Workmen 2, 3, and 4: Hey let's get him!
(Punching sounds ensue)
Santa: There you nature-hatin commies. That'll learn ya. Oh, Santa doesn't feel so good. Santa to Bobbo.
Bobbo: (over walky-talky) Bobbo speaking. What is it, Santa?
Santa: Transport Santa to the medical bay.
Bobbo: Transporting now, sir.
(Transporter combines with harp music)
Santa: Santa has a broken jaw and a twisted ankle from kicking a worker in the head.
Reverend BigDawg: Well why would that twist your ankle?
Santa: He was wearing a helmet.
Reverend BigDawg: I see. So what can I do?
Santa: Here.
(Keys jingle)
Reverend BigDawg: What are these?
Santa: Keys to the slay.
Reverend BigDawg: You mean?
Santa: That's right, George. I need you to deliver all the toys to the children of the world.
Reverend BigDawg: Oh wow! Thank you, Santa. I won't fail you!
Santa: (laughs) Oh I know you won't, George. You've got the spirit of Christmas in your heart.
Reverend BigDawg: You got that right, Santa. I'll make sure every child receives their gift on time and with a smile.
Santa: Then be off. Good luck, Reverend BigDawg, and thank you!
Reverend BigDawg: You are very welcome! Oh boy!
(Door opens and closes)
(RUNNING sounds are heard)
(Workshop is heard)
(Door opens and closes)
Track-10
What Child Is This
Track-11
Bobbo: And remember to always leave the presents IN the house. A few times Santa left them at the door and they were stolen.
Reverend BigDawg: Gotcha. Let's see, leave presents in house.
(Pin scratching)
Bobbo: That's it. Now go and make those children happy.
Reverend BigDawg: You got it. I will do my best.
(Door opens)
Bobbo: God's speed, George, and merry Christmas!
Reverend BigDawg: Merry Christmas, Bobbo.
(Door closes)
Reverend BigDawg: Now how do I start this thing. Hmmm, well let's look at the manual.
(Book opens)
Reverend BigDawg: Now to start the slay, simply call out the reindeers' names.
(Book closes)
Reverend BigDawg: Now I can do that. On Hanson, on Manson, on Johnny and Ronnie, on Leonard, on Skynyrd, on Pablo and Poopie!
(Cold wind blows)
(Jingling bells)
(Jet sound)
Reverend BigDawg: Oh yeah! We're gaining altitude. Gaining speed, we're away! Yeah!
(Jingling gets louder)
Track-12
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Track-13
Narrator: Reverend BigDawg was off on a whirlwind adventure. With Santa in bed, it was up to the reverend to deliver all the toys to the children of the world. As the night began, Reverend BigDawg was having much success. The skies were clear and Santa's fur coat was nice and warm. But as the day turned from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day, a storm was brewing.
(Cold wind blows)
(Thunderstorm proceeds)
Reverend BigDawg: Easy there reindeer. Rev BigDawg will figure out what to do. Ok, ok, umm, down to the ground. Land, land!
Narrator: But the storm was too immense. Reverend BigDawg knew there were mountains nearby.
Reverend BigDawg: Oh no! I can't see where we're going.
(Suspense music starts)
Reverend BigDawg: I can't see where we're going. The storm's too heavy. I'm blinded by the snow! I can't hold on. Mayday, mayday!
Bobbo: (on walky-talky) What's that, George. You're coming in all garbled.
Reverend BigDawg: I can't land! I'm going down, send help! Noooooooooooo!
Bobbo: George, George!
(Suspense music lasts for a few more seconds as the storm rages)
Track-14
The First Noel
Track-15
(Forest sounds)
Reverend BigDawg: Oh boy. Rev BigDawg's in the rainforest. Let's see now, where's that talky-walky. Doo dah doo. Ah here it is. Reverend BigDawg to Santa's Workshop.
Bobbo: (over walky-talky) 'hey George. We've got you on radar.
Reverend BigDawg: Where am I?
Bobbo: The GPS says you're in central Brazil. There's a group of about 500,000 people off to your west.
Reverend BigDawg: Yeah I think I see some lights off in the distance. I'll go check it out. Hold down the fort, Rudy.
(Donkey sound)
Reverend BigDawg: Ah ha! There are some lights. They're coming from a huge stadium. I'm gonna go check it out. Oh yeah!
Track-16
Faith
Track-17
(cheering crowd)
Reverend BigDawg: Hey, hey, Blinding Light! Remember me, I'm Reverend BigDawg. Can you help me out with something?
Robbie: The mob, look, it's coming at us.
Paul: We'll talk with you if you get the mob away from the stage.
Reverend BigDawg: You got it! Go on backstage. I'll cover you. Reverend BigDawg!
(Punching sounds are heard as the crowd cheers)
Paul: Let's go, let's go!
(Cheering dies out)
(Three to five second pause)
(Door opens)
Robbie: Hey, thanks a lot George.
Paul: Yeah, those people were gonna tear us apart.
Robbie: Not much to tear in your case.
Paul: At least I can drum on beat.
Robbie: You wanna go?
Paul: Bring it on!
(Fight ensues between Paul and Robbie)
RJ: So what do you need?
Reverend BigDawg: My sleigh crashed.
RJ: Oh ok. Come on, Browder.
Tyler: Ok, piccolo.
(Walking sounds are heard as the fight between Paul and Robbie fades away)
(Cold wind blows)
Tyler: Let's see what you've got here.
(Hood lifts)
RJ: Well look here, Browder. The forward drive matrix is out of alignment.
Tyler: Of course! I'll just fiddle around with this here and that there and, ah ha! Now try her out.
Reverend BigDawg: Ok.
(Door opens)
(Door closes)
Reverend BigDawg: On Diablo, on Pablo, on Shekel and Mechel, on Joey, on Snowy, on Peach Fuzz and Monkey!
(Jingling bells)
Tyler and RJ: Woooooooooo!
(Clap)
Reverend BigDawg: Merry Christmas, Blinding Light.
Tyler, Stephen, Paul, RJ, and Robbie: Merry Christmas Reverend BigDawg!
Track-18
Deck the Halls
Track-19
Reverend BigDawg: Wow! Look at the ocean! It's so beautiful. Let's see, where's our next stop, Bobbo.
Bobbo: Your next stop is Bermuda, Bermuda.
Reverend BigDawg: Thanks, Bobbo. This is Reverend BigDawg, over and out.
(Night-air)
(Five-second pause)
Reverend BigDawg: Wow, it's so beautiful up here! The stars are so bright tonight. Why there's Orvo, the crazed mule. Wow, and over there's Angus, in his wilted flower of green. Hey now, we're over Bermuda. BigDawg to reindeer, set her down. Oh yeah. Let's see. I'm gonna jump. Reindeer, land on the beach. Reverend BigDawg's jumping. Look out! Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
(Night air changes to rainforest)
Reverend BigDawg: Aaaaaaaahhhh!
(Lands)
Reverend BigDawg: Oh yeah! It's Santa Dawg. Ho ho ho! Let's see here. Ah, its a small cottage. How nice. Let's just climb up the tree here. Huh! Ah. Oo, now I'm gonna have to jump onto the roof. On four, one, two, four! Uh! Yeah. Ah ha, there's the chimney. Let's just get inside here, and down I go. Wo!
(Rainforest fades)
Reverend BigDawg: Let's see.
(Paper sound)
Reverend BigDawg: Now Billy Bingley gets a fire engine. Jessica Bingley gets the stupid Barbie mega-deluxe beauty kit, and little Timmy Bingley gets a guppy.
(Sounds of Reverend BigDawg putting presents under the tree)
Reverend BigDawg: Ah ha, there we go. Reverend BigDawg's doin' good now, oh yeah!
(Dog growls far away)
Reverend BigDawg: Uh oh.
Bingley: What's that, Killer. Is someone down there? Is it Ben? Is Ben down there?
(Dog growls and barks)
Reverend BigDawg: It's time for Reverend BigDawg to leave.
Bingley: Let me get my shotgun.
Reverend BigDawg: (runs off yelling)
Bingley: I see you there, get back here!
(gun-shots)
(Dog barks)
(Rain forest)
Reverend BigDawg: Reindeer, reindeer!
(Running sounds)
Reverend BigDawg: Away, away! No time with the names.
Bingley: Hey you get back here!
(More gun-shots)
(Dogs bark)
(Cold wind)
Reverend BigDawg: Reverend BigDawg away!
Track-20
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Track-21
Narrator: And so Reverend BigDawg continued to give out toys to the good little girls and boys. And even the Grinch gave the reverend a hassle in who-ville. But the reverend used his karate to take care of the Grinch, and although his heart did not grow three sizes larger, his nose did.
Reverend BigDawg: That's what he gets for impersonating Santa.
Narrator: All over China, to Japan and Greece. From England's Cambridge, to the French's Niece, the reverend gave the packages, red, white, and blue, to the Christians of the world, and a Buddhist or two. To Osama Bin Laden, was a big lump of coal, 'cuz it was just as black, as his Afghani soul. To Blinding Light, what could be so fine, as fifty free hours of studio time. To his Swedish friend, with no given name, there was a new passport and a candy-cane. With no rock unturned, and no task undaunted, Rev BigDawg gave everyone, just what they wanted. With Rudolph's nose to guide the way, Reverend BigDawg flew all night in the sleigh. There were no more storms to swirl around, but rather several dozen terrorists who shot the sleigh down.
(Gun-shots)
Reverend BigDawg: Bobbo, we've been hit!
Bobbo: Not again.
Reverend BigDawg: I've been shot!
Bobbo: Who should I call!
Reverend BigDawg: Call Blinding Light! Blinding Light, Bobbo. Do you copy?
Bobbo: That's a 10-4, Big Doggie.
Reverend BigDawg: Oh no! Reverend BigDawg!
(More gunshots)
Track-22
Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
Track-23
(Clip of Crocodile Hunter)
Paul: (eating pop corn, laughs throughout the twenty to thirty second clip)
Newsman: We interrupt this Crocodile Hunter marathon to bring you a special holiday news flash.
Paul: Oo, holiday.
Newsman: It seems that the world-renowned evangelist, Reverend BigDawg has been shot down over Iraq. Rescuers recovered the little black box from that craft and we now bring the last few moments of its recording.
Bobbo: Who should I call!
Reverend BigDawg: Call Blinding Light! Blinding Light, Bobbo. Do you copy?
Bobbo: That's a 10-4, Big Doggie.
Reverend BigDawg: Oh no! Reverend BigDawg!
(static)
Newsman: Reverend BigDawg, allegedly acting as Santa Claus is still missing. And no more gifts will be received until he is found.
Paul: Robbie, RJ. Reverend BigDawg's been shot over Iraq.
RJ: (drowsily) What?
Robbie Paul go back to bed. It's almost Christmas.
Paul: Guys, Reverend BigDawg''s been shot down over Iraq!
RJ: Reverend BigDawg!
Robbie: Iraq!
Tyler: To the Blinding Lightmobile!
Track-24
Batman Theme with Blinding Light sounds over it
Track-25
(Night air)
Man-1: Now talk, you, you, you, dog!
Reverend BigDawg: I told you, there's nothing to talk about.
Man-1: You'll start talking once the boss gets here.
Man-2: Hey, Butch. We've got company.
Tyler: Ha ha!
Man-1: Get them!
(Punching sounds as Man-2 and 3 fight with Tyler, Robbie, and RJ)
Reverend BigDawg: (breaks his glass shield)
Reverend BigDawg: Let's party!
(Ninja Turtles ending theme begins)
(Punching and fighting goes on until the song ends)
Reverend BigDawg: We did it!
Tyler, Robbie, RJ, and Paul: Yeah! Woo!
Reverend BigDawg: Let's go! You guys can come with me to deliver the last of the toys.
(Group runs off into the distance)
Track-26
Silent Night
Track-27
(Cold wind)
Reverend BigDawg: Presents away!
(Slide whistle)
Paul: Look at those presents fly!
RJ: Yeah! Hey where's my present?
Reverend BigDawg: You'll have to wait till you get home.
Robbie: Hey, I can see my house from here.
Reverend BigDawg: Yup, we're flying over Denton.
Robbie: Can we jump?
Reverend BigDawg: Sure. It's only two vertical miles down.
Robbie: Alright! Weeeeee!
RJ: Look out below!
Tyler: I like Shea!
Paul: I want hot girls!
Reverend BigDawg: Bobbo, status report.
Bobbo: You did a great job, George. You've delivered all of the presents. Come on back to base to be briefed.
Reverend BigDawg: That's a 10-4, Bobbo. Ay, Reindeer. Home, home, home!
(Jingling bells)
Reverend BigDawg: Yeehaw!
Track-28
Hark the Harold Angel's Sing
Track-29
(Santa's workshop)
Santa: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, Reverend BigDawg.
Reverend BigDawg: Merry Christmas, Santa. You know, I never realized what a joy it was to deliver millions of toys to all the good girls and boys of the world.
Santa: Ah yes. It is the most rewarding feeling, isn't it.
Reverend BigDawg: Yeah! I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Kinda like that jar of mayonnaise I left out in the sun back in the war.
Santa: Ho ho ho. Well, thanks for your help, George. Santa appreciates it.
Bobbo: George, you made an old elf happy tonight.
Reverend BigDawg: Hey, anytime Santa. And it was my pleasure, Bobbo. Well, I think it's about time for me to go back home. I have a sermon to preach in a few hours.
Santa: Ho ho ho! God's speed, Reverend BigDawg!
Bobbo: Bye bye.
Elves: Bye, George. Thank you. God bless!
(Blender starts getting louder)
Reverend BigDawg: Bye, bye, praise God! Merry Christmas, Santa!
(Sound like square drowns out everything)
Reverend BigDawg: Wo! Was that all just one crazy dream? Let me check my watch. Hmmmmmmm, it's 6:00 AM. I just don't know. Was that all a dream or not. Oh well. It's Christmas everybody! Come on, let's sing a song!
Track-30
Joy to the World
Track-31
(Church bells)
Reverend BigDawg: Hey everybody! Merry Christmas!
Girl-1: Merry Christmas!
Reverend BigDawg: Merry Christmas everybody! Hey, hey Blinding Light!
RJ: What's up, George!
Tyler: Merry Christmas, Reverend BigDawg.
Reverend BigDawg: Merry Christmas to you all! Hey, Robbie, Paul, merry Christmas!
Robbie and Paul: Merry Christmas!
Reverend BigDawg: It's Christmas morning! Oh yeah! Merry Christmas to everybody out there! Oh yeah! Praise the Lord!
Track-32
We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Bonus Track
(Crazy music)
John: This Reverend BigDawg dramatization was written and directed by John Clower. The production engineer was Stephen Clower. Voices included John and Stephen Clower, Tyler Browder, Robbie Greer, Paul LeMaire, RJ Regenold, Katie Reynolds, and Jamie Smith. The executive producers were John and Stephen Clower. Copyright: 2001 by John and Stephen Clower. Music was written by some people in the 1980's and Blinding Light. Merry Christmas.