Act I: Scene I
Narrator: The story of Spanish exploration is a long and colorful one... The color mainly being red, as the Spanish fought with Native Americans in North, Central, and South America. And ironically, this shedding of blood and maiming of the natives did not begin with someone from Spain, but from Portugal.
Columbus: And so you see, Sire, that will surely justify that there is a quicker route to India than to sail around Africa.
King John: What you are saying is absurd! Why do you think we had this Renaissance? This is a time to revive the classics.
Columbus: So what?
King John: Aristotle says the world is flat! If I fund your voyage, it will be money wasted.
Columbus: But sir---.
King John: Ma'am.
Columbus: Ma'am? Aren't you supposed to be King John of Portugal?
King John: Budget cuts.
Act I: Scene II
Narrator: Columbus left Portugal and journeyed to Spain where he found favor in the eyes of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain.
Ferdinand: I favor you.
Isabella: Yeah, me too.
Narrator: And so on August 2, 1492, Columbus departed from the port of Palos, commanding his three ships: the Ninea, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Over the next month, calm waters prevented Columbus from sailing westward. But on September 8, the winds increased and conditions grew more favorable.
Columbus: I favor these conditions.
Narrator: On October 18, Columbus finally reached land after being at sea for over two months.
Columbus: Hark, land off the starboard bough.
Sailor: A little late there, Columbo.
Columbus: That's "Columbus," you peasant!
Sailor: Portuguese dressmaker!
Columbus: At least I only make them!
Sailor: (draws sword) Alright, let's go!
Columbus: (draws sword) Bring it on, you antiquated TV dinner!
Narrator: No, no! Save it!
Sailor: Fine, Columbus. You sail on towards the New World! My native guides tell me that there is gold on one of the islands. Farewell!
Narrator: On November 22, Martin Alonzo Pinzon, captain of the Pinta, left Columbus in search of gold.
Sailor: I'm going to Barbecue.
Narrator: The Island's called "Babeque."
Sailor: Well, maybe I'll find some barbecue there!
Narrator: The Ninea and the Santa Maria sailed westward and reached the island of Hispaniola on December fifth. On Christmas Eve, the Santa Maria grounded on a reef and sank on Christmas Day of 1492. Columbus used the remains to build a fort on shore.
Sailor: Fort Barbecue!
Columbus: Fort Barbecue? Why don't we just call it "Fort Stupid?"
Sailor: You're stupid!
Columbus: Hey who went searching for the lost city of gold?
Sailor: Yo mama!
Narrator: Columbus named the fort "La Navidad." But the Ninea could not hold all the crew and their supplies, so Columbus left about forty of his crew at La Navidad, pending his return.
Sailor: Ah salmon on a stick.
Columbus: I am off, to Spain!
Narrator: Columbus sailed eastward along the coast of Hispaniola on January 2. Remarkably, he met up with the Pinta and its captain, Martin Alonzo Pinzon. By this point, his anger toward Pinzon had subsided, as he now had a second ship to return with. On February 14, a fierce storm separated the two ships. Both believed the other had been killed by the storm. Columbus finally reached his homeport of Palos on March 15. The Pinta, however, was thrown off-course and arrived in northern Spain. After repairing his damaged ship, Pinzon arrived in the port of Palos a few hours after Columbus.
Sailor: I told you I'd make it, Columbo!
Columbus: Hey shut up-ah you mouth, Pizano!
Narrator: Pizano, uh, Pinzon was sure he'd be proclaimed a hero, but that honor had fallen to
Columbus.
Columbus: Yeah buddy!
Narrator: Pinzon died a few days later.
Columbus: Give my regards to yo mama!
Narrator: That next year, Columbus made a second voyage. On this, his second voyage, Columbus made a startling discovery!
Columbus: Oh, this discovery... It startles me! Fort La Navidad is burned to the ground! My men are dead! Guacanagari, what happened!
Hani: I see. Men abandon fort. Men go to chief Has No Pants and kidnap women. Men come, and kill your kinsmen. I see all! I know all!
Narrator: Columbus arrived in Cuba in April and set sail for Jamaica in May of 1493. Although he was searching for gold, Columbus found something else.
Hani: I Chief Has No Pants! You want our gold? We smite! Take this!
Hani: (starts hitting Columbus)
Columbus: This is a waste of time.
Hani: Not mine. (Hits Columbus again)
Narrator: Columbus fled back to Cuba and began moving westward toward what he perceived as the Chinese mainland. However, three weeks went by and there was still no sign of China. On June 13, Columbus gave up the search.
Columbus: I have failed. If I go back to Spain with nothing, I will be laughed at by adults and kicked in the shins by small children. Men, come and sign this document stating that Cuba is in fact the mainland of China.
Sailor: I will sign.
Columbus: But you're dead!
Sailor: Is there a law saying a corpse can't sign a document?
Columbus: There will be once we get back.
Narrator: By September, Columbus fell ill and further explorations were abandoned. It wasn't until March of 1496 when he headed back for Europe.
Act I: Scene III
Narrator: Columbus arrived in the New World again in 1498. Upon his arrival, he found that the city of San Domingo's citizens had staged a revolt against his rule.
Sailor: We have revolted against you!
Columbus: I am revolted by your revolt!
Sailor: Accept to our terms of peace!
Columbus: Make me!
Sailor: I don't make trash, I eat it.
Columbus: Oh so I'm a trash?
Sailor: Yes!
Columbus: Fine!
Narrator: Columbus agreed to the terms, though they were very humiliating.
Columbus: (drops to the ground and does push-ups)
Sailor: Drop and give me five... Thousand!
Narrator: Columbus' luck only went downhill from there. Francisco de Bobadilla was appointed commissioner by Ferdinand and Isabella. He had rank over Columbus, and by 1500, Columbus returned to Spain in shackles.
Sailor: (drags Columbus across the floor)
Columbus: Ouch, those shackles hurt!
Sailor: Silence!
Act II: Scene I
Narrator: We now move forward in time. Columbus' discovery overwhelmed Spain. With promise of gold and a declining economy, hundreds of Spaniards dreamed of wealth and power! In 1509, Francisco Pizarro and Alonzo de Ojeda set sail for the New World.
Pizarro: Come, Alonzo. Let us sail for the New World.
Narrator: They arrived late that year.
Alonzo: My friend, Pizarro, I have founded San Sebastian, and I leave it in your care.
Alonzo: (walks off)
Pizarro: I don't wanna! Where is an opportunity when I need one?
Babloa: Ah, Pizarro! I, Nu&(!ez de Balboa, am in search of the ocean the natives told Columbus about during his voyages.
Pizarro: Ah yes, that sounds like a fine idea.
Narrator: Pizarro and Balboa crossed the Isthmus and discovered the existence of the Pacific Ocean in September of 1513.
Pizarro and Balboa: We have discovered the Pacific Ocean!
Pizarro: Discovering a new ocean can only "tide" me over for so long. You get it? Tide as in the tide? Anyway, hey look! It's my good friends, Diego de Almagro and Hernando de Luque.
Diego and Hernanddo: Come conquer lands with us.
Narrator: So Bizarro--.
Pizarro: That's "Pizarro," not Bizarro.
Narrator: So Pizarro ventured southward and conquered lands south of Panama. In 1528, the three partners signed a contract, whereby they agreed to equally divide all land and gold that should be conquered. They separated at the mouth of the San Juan River. Pizarro remained to explore the mainland. Once they were re-enforced, they went together taking a southerly route until they reached Tacamez, the extreme south of Columbia.
Hani: Chief Swans and Skis will resist you!
Pizarro: Fall before us!
Hani: The gods have told me to hit you with this book!
Hani: (hits Pizarro with a book)
Narrator: Pizarro and his men suffered greatly when they reached Columbia. As a result of the natives' hostility, Pizarro and his partners sought refuge on the island of Gorgona on the coasts of Columbia. Pizarro was determined to undertake an expedition southward. Skirting the coast of the present Republic of Ecuador, he directed his course towards the city of Tumbez in the north of what is now Peru. Seeing that the natives were friendly towards him, he continued his voyage as far as Payta, doubled the Point of Aguja, and sailed along the coast as far as the point where the city of Trujillo was later founded.
Alonzo: Look at this! The governor has withdrawn support!
Pizarro: Good thing the natives are friendly toward us.
Diego: I know.
Hani: I, Atahuallpa, have come as you have requested.
Diego: Ah yes, welcome. Now!
Pizarro and Alonzo: (grab Hani)
Pizarro: This land is ours!
Narrator: The Spaniards captured the prince and massacred the Native Americans, claiming their territory Spanish land. An Indian army was nearby, but without a leader, they retreated to the interior of the mainland.
Hani: My people be killed by the white man. Pizarro, Pizarro.
Pizarro: What is it you floorboard?
Hani: The chief of my tribe will pay you for my release.
Pizarro: Oh that makes me laugh.
Diego and Hernando: (start laughing) That makes us laugh as well.
Pizarro: The only way we'll release you is if your chief fills this room to the ceiling with gold!
Hani: It will be as you wish.
Narrator: And so it was that the room in which the prince was held was filled with gold. 4,605,670 ducats or 15,000,000 pesos.
Pizarro: There you are, Prince. You may have your freedom.
Hani: Freedom is mine!
Hani: (walks away)
Diego: Just kidding!
Diego and Hernando: (rush forward and grab Hani)
Hernando: (stabs Hani with a sword)
Hani: I have been stabbed.
Pizarro: With a sword, no less.
Narrator: The prince was executed in June of 1534. To keep the remaining Indians at bay, Pizarro made Manco Capac, an Inca, king and founded the city of A Hrefe in January of 1535. The followers of Diego de Almagro, however, were secretly plotting a conspiracy against Pizarro to assassinate him at his home in A Hrefe.
Hani: Avenge Almagro!
Narrator: And so it was so.
Pizarro: Come my friends, let us play cards.
Diego: Ah yes.
Hernando: Cards!
Hani: Pizarro, I must see you for a moment.
Pizarro: What is it, Spitting Camel?
Hani: This.
Hani: (pulls out a knife)
Pizarro: That looks like a knife.
Hani: It is indeed.
Hani: (stabs Pizarro with the knife)
Pizarro: (falls to the floor)
Narrator: And thus was the end of Pizarro.
Act II: Scene II
Hani: Doctor, doctor! I feel weak.
Taylor: (puts a hand on Hani's forehead)
Taylor: No, my good man. You have gold fever.
Narrator: Indeed. The Spanish were overwhelmed by the prospects of gold in the New World. Cortez was such a Spaniard. Within a two-week period, Cortez had gathered together two ships and three hundred men. His governor, Velasquez, feared that he would lose control of the mission. So he sent a messenger to relieve Cortez of his command.
Velasquez: Messenger, go relieve Cortez of his command!
Messenger: Aye, Senor!
Hanito: Senor Cortez, there is a messenger coming to relieve you of your command.
Cortez: I am angered by this statement! Kill the messenger!
Hanito: It will be done.
Messenger: Cortez, Cortez! I have come with a message, for I am the messenger.
Hanito: Death to the governor!
Hanito: (hits Messenger in the head)
Messenger: (falls to the floor)
Cortez: Come, Hanito, we must set sail!
Velasquez: Stop, stop! I relieve you of command!
Cortez: No you don't. We're in international waters! We will find gold! Precious gold!
Act II: Scene III
Narrator: Cortez coasted down to Cozumel, where, for the first time, he saw the Mayan pyramids, with their thatched sanctuaries on top. Almost immediately, he had an incredible stroke of luck. The people of the island told him that in the next-door land, known as "Yucatan," there were two Christians who had been carried there a long time ago in a boat, and held as captives. One of those men was Geronimo de Aguilar, who had been shipwrecked near Jamaica in 1511.
Cortez: Ah ha! Now we have someone who can communicate with the natives.
Hani: Binga binga.
Aguilar: The Myan says that they do not want war or trade. They just want us to take their few gifts they have given us and leave.
Cortez: Leave? What about gold!
Hani: Booger.
Aguilar: He says they have none.
Cortez: That's a lie! Give us your gold!
Hani: Surfboard.
Cortez: What did he say?
Aguilar: You don't want to know.
Cortez: Attack!
Narrator: After a battle between the natives and the Spanish, the 500 Indian warriors retreated with heavy casualties, and the Spanish took precious gifts and twenty women for cooking and cleaning.
Cortez: Cook my laundry!
Aguilar: Clean my dinner!
Taylor: Stuff you!
Hani: Gorilla.
Taylor: Ah, I agree, Eats Expired Meat.
Cortez: You can understand him?
Taylor: Yeah. I speak Nahuatl, the language of the Aztecs.
Cortez: And you speak the language of the Mayans, do you not?
Taylor: Yeah.
Cortez: With Aguilar speaking Mayan and you speaking Mayan and the language of the Aztecs, I can communicate with the two most powerful tribes in the New World!
Hani: Poncho.
Act II: Scene IV
Narrator: The fleet pressed onto the Isle of Sacrifices where Juan de Grijalva had landed that year.
Hani: Welcome to our land. We need help against Aztec poopie heads.
Taylor: He said that--.
Cortez: I know what he said, Woman! We want no war with you. Our supplies are few, our men few.
Hani: I shall fetch my king, Montezuma and meet you in a few days.
Narrator: A few days later...
Hani: I am Montezuma, and this is my steward, Teudile.
Teudile: I hate my name.
Hani: Silence, steward!
Teudile: I don't work on a plane!
Hani: Silence, Teudile, and go supply and feed our guests, and offer them gifts of precious stones, and feather ware.
Narrator: As Teudile did what was asked, he stuck his finger in the damp earth and put it to his lips. To "eat dirt" was a sign of respect in Aztec diplomacy. Then to the Spaniards' shock, he bled himself and offered his blood to them.
Cortez: Uh, that's ok, Teudile.
Taylor: I'm cutting back.
Hani: I'm not.
Hani: (takes the bottle of blood and chugs it down)
Taylor: That's disgusting.
Teudile: Excuse me, I'm feeling faint.
Teudile: (falls to the floor)
Cortez: I am the ambassador of a mighty nation.
Teudile: I will send word to Montezuma and see what his wishes are.
Narrator: Then Cortez sent his cavalry charging along the beach at full tilt with swords flashing and bells tinkling. If that were not intimidating enough, the big cannons were fired, at which Teudile and his men literally fell to the ground in fear."
Teudile: I just shed a pint of blood. I'm already on the ground.
Narrator: Well you fell again.
Teudile: Gotcha.
Act II: Scene V
Narrator: Montezuma's messengers rushed back to the emperor of the Aztecs with the terrifying news of the Spaniards' power.
Hani: Emperor, white man have come with guns that go boom and dogs that bite!
Hani: It is the Feathered Serpent! We will be destroyed!
Narrator: Meanwhile, Cortez was considering his options. If he returned to Cuba, he'd be thrown in prison or executed.
Cortez: Ah yes. To be executed would kill me! But if I conquer the Aztecs, not only will I evade capture, but I will be rich and loved by all!
Narrator: With his mind made up, Cortez planned to conquer Montezuma and the Aztecs.
Act III: Scene I
Narrator: On November 8, 1519, the Spaniards marched along the causeway leading into the city. The towers, temples, and canoes were thick with crowds who gathered to gape at the men and their horses. The two processions met at the entrance to Tenochtitlen, the Aztec capital.
Hani: I am Montezuma, emperor of the Aztecs.
Cortez: I am Cortez, hailing from the Spanish shores of Cuba.
Hani: I present you with this present.
Hani: (puts a necklace around Cortez' neck)
Cortez: And I give you this gift.
Cortez: (puts a necklace around Hani's neck)
Hani: Come, I will show you our city.
Narrator: Montezuma and the Aztecs knew full well about the massacre in Chalula.
Cortez: Chalupa?
Narrator: No, Chalula. And the Aztecs believed that the Spaniards were often irrationally and unpredictably cruel. I repeat: "The Aztecs believed that the Spaniards were often irrationally and unpredictably cruel."
Teudile: Montezuma, why harbor a beast in your city?
Hani: Because I said so.
Cortez: Ah, Montezuma. It is I, Cortez. I want to thank you for your hospitality.
Cortez and Hani: (shake hands)
Hani: We took risk in doing so.
Cortez: Seize him!
Aguilar: (grabs Hani by the shoulder)
Hani: You have betrayed me!
Cortez: No, we have deceived you! There's a difference.
Aguilar: The dictionary defines deception as---.
Narrator: The emperor was placed under house arrest late in 1519. The Aztecs greatly outnumbered the Spaniards, and Cortez didn't want to risk Montezuma plotting a counterattack.
Hani: You cannot have Christian symbols in our churches.
Cortez: Sure we can. We're the Feathered Serpent, remember?
Hani: What if we have one side with our gods and one side with yours?
Aguilar: Cortez, Cortez! There's an arrest party from Cuba here for you!
Cortez: Ah poop.
Narrator: Cortez cast Montezuma's offer aside and rushed out to meet the arrest party. By surprising them at night, Cortez and his men not only defeated the party, but used their surviving soldiers to re-enforce Spanish hold on the Aztecs.
Cortez: This way, to the treasure house!
Narrator: The Spaniards brought out the wondrous treasures and immediately took the gold from the shields.
Aguilar: Pretty cheap gold.
Aguilar: (takes and crumples the tin foil)
Act III: Scene II
Narrator: Over the next year, the Aztecs and Spaniards fought constantly. While Cortez was fighting Narvaez, Alvarado imprisoned two important leaders and killed several others. The tensions exploded when Alvarado ordered a massacre during the great Aztec spring festival of Huizilopochtli.
Aguilar: You and your arrogance! Rather than be a man and go to prison, you had to medal with the Aztecs.
Cortez: But we're winning.
Aguilar: It's a stalemate. The bridges and causeways have been taken away. We have no food supplies, and there is little drinking water.
Cortez: Who cares? We killed Montezuma!
Aguilar: I was there. Under a hail of stones and arrows, he retreated. He didn't die, but we will if we stay here much longer.
Cortez: You are right. Let's flee tonight. The Aztecs will never know.
Act III: Scene III
Narrator: And so the Spaniards fled that night.
Cortez: So far so good.
Taylor: Don't say that. Now something bad's gonna happen.
Hani: Ah, they have retreated! That shall not last!
Narrator: Indeed it didn't. Thousands of canoes converged on the Spaniards' position. In the confusion, hundreds of Spaniards fell into the canal and drowned. Others escaped with Cortez to Tlaxcala.
Taylor: Did I die?
Narrator: Umm, no.
Aguilar: What about me? Did I make it?
Narrator: Sure. Why not.
Aguilar: Yay!
Narrator: The terror and death of that night was never forgotten. Even today, this is known as the "Night of Tears" or Noche Triste.
Act III: Scene IV
Cortez: On guard!
Hani: Lava lamp!
Cortez and Hani: (start sword fighting)
Narrator: By late 1520, total war had broken out between the Spaniards and Aztecs.
Cortez: I hate you!
Hani: Me too!
Hani: (knocks Cortez' sword to the floor)
Hani: Now go!
Taylor: You have maimed our leader.
Aguilar: Yeah, what she said.
Cortez: I will return.
Hani: No you won't.
Cortez: (turns to Narrator) Won't I come back?
Narrator: yes.
Cortez: Told ya. Now good day to you, Montezuma.
Narrator: Cortez retreated to neighboring tribes and built up a grand army of 300,000, and later that year, returned to Tenochtitlen.
Hani: You came back.
Cortez: (draws sword)
Cortez: Narrators never lie.
Taylor: What about on movie previews?
Cortez: Those are announcers.
Hani: Come on.
Hani: (draws sword)
Cortez and Hani: (start fighting)
Narrator: With his allies, Cortez and his army pushed through the southern half of Tenochtitlen and fought back and forth for eighty days in the northern half before the city surrendered to Cortez.
Cortez: (knocks sword out of Hani's hand)
Narrator: Later that day, the Spaniards looted the city while the neighboring tribes ran amok, taking revenge on their tormentors.
Teudile: Yeah! Take that!
Teudile: (hits Hani with his hat)
Hani: You destroyed my city!
Cortez: Sure did. I claim this land in the name of Spain. Viva me! Oh, Teudile and Aguilar, see to it that all of the Aztec captives are sacrificed in the temples.
Act IV: Scene I
Narrator: Now New Spain was settled and that brings us a few decades into the future when Francisco Coronado, governor of New Galicia, sent Fray Marcos de Niza on a voyage to the north.
Niza: Francisco, Francisco! Je suis vu la grande ville ans!
Francisco: In English, de Niza.
Niza: But we're Spanish.
Francisco: Errrrr, just tell me what you saw!
Niza: A great city of gold.
Francisco: Gasp!
Niza: Don't patronize me! I'm serious. It's called Cibola. I repeat, Cibola.
Francisco: That is fantastic! Come, let us journey there and become rich.
Narrator: And so Francisco and Marcos set out for Cibola. Coronado brought with him 340 Spanish, 300 Indian allies, and 1,000 slaves, both Native American and African. But to Coronado's disappointment, de Niza's "city of Gold" was only a pueblo of the Zuni Indians. Marcos was sent back in disgrace, while Coronado made plans.
Francisco: You fool! You brought almost 2,000 people out here for nothing!
Niza: Nuh uh. Look!
Niza: (pulls out a toothpick)
Francisco: Just go away!
Act IV: Scene II
Hani: I am Wears Pants Too High of the Zuni Indians!
Francisco: (pulls out a sword and hits Hani once)
Hani: (falls to the floor)
Francisco: I have conquered Cibola!
Narrator: After conquering Cibola, Coronado sent out six expeditions. Garcia Lopez de Cardenas was sent out to find a great river. And not only did he find one, but he became the first European to see the Grand Canyon.
Francisco: Oh here I am at Tiguex in my winter house. Ah, if it isn't the Turk, my Indian friend.
Hani: Yes, I am he.
Francisco: Have you tidings of great profit?
Hani: No, I just have good news. There's a city far north of here with gold and silver and all kinds of stuff.
Francisco: Stuff you say? I say that is a rare metal. Let us go forth!
Narrator: And so it was that Coronado, with the Turk as his guide---.
Hani: I do have a name.
Francisco: Oh no you don't. You're the Turk.
Niza: Turkey turkey turkey!
Francisco: Marcos, I sent you back in disgrace!
Niza: Oh fine!
Narrator: Several weeks later, Coronado was frustrated with the Turk.
Francisco: Oh it didn't take that long. Turk, you lied about Quiviria. There is no such place!
Hani: There is, too. I saw it in a book.
Francisco: Lies! Hey, you.
Taylor: Yes?
Francisco: Kill him.
Hani: You know I've died about twenty times today.
Taylor: (stabs Hani with a sword) Twenty-one.
Hani: (falls to the floor)
Narrator: After several more guides had come and gone, Coronado finally found Quiviria, which was nothing but a tribe of thatch huts.
Francisco: Oh how frustrated am I, Francisco!
Narrator: After conquering Cibola in 1540 and his failure with Quiviria, or the Wichita Indians, in 1541, Coronado went back to Mexico and retired in 1544.