Introduction
(Opens with Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV and Sir George de Tromphe sitting on a couch watching TV)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oh, pass the popcorn, George.
Sir George de Tromphe: Here you are, Humphrey.
Sir George de Tromphe: (passes the pop corn to Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV)
Sir George de Tromphe: So how are your studies going at Cambridge, Humphrey?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oh, they are going quite well. My fraternity chaps and I stole Oxford's forward paddle wheel last night!
Sir George de Tromphe: Oh, that sounds like quite a time.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oh, 'twas! I dare say they shan't be competing in the boat races next year.
(Suddenly, lights and TV go out.)
Sir George de Tromphe: What in the name of the Capulet family is going on!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: It does appear that the power has gone out.
Sir George de Tromphe: I dare say this may be leading into yet another movie.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oh you're quite right, George. The darkness of this room reminds me of the Dark Ages.
Sir George de Tromphe: A lot of things happened during the Dark Ages...
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Yes, the bubonic plague struck Europe.
Sir George de Tromphe: England and France fought in the Hundred Years' War.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Genghis Khan conquered much of Asia and Europe.
Sir George de Tromphe: (with eagerness in his voice) But how did it all begin, Humphrey?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Well, primarily, the Dark Ages incorporates a vast time-period. The second half of this period began when the Fourth Crusade began pileging Constantinople and thus ended the first half of the period---.
Act I: Scene I
(Opens with two crusaders attacking a couple)
Husband: Back, Catholic clog dancers!
Wife: My hair, my dreadfully dreadful hair!
Crusaders: God wills it! God wills it!
Wife: (falls to the ground)
Husband: (pulls out a sword) In the name of Allah, prepare to die!
Crusader-1: (pulls out a sword)
Husband: (stabs Crusader-2 who falls)
(Sword-fight ensues between Crusader-1 and Husband)
Husband: You fight like a girl, Catholic.
Crusader-1: May this sword of Christ cast you down like the bloody Muslim that you are!
Husband: You come and kill my wife and expect me to fall to your sword?
Crusader-1: Whether or not you want to die is beside the point. You will fall!
Husband: (stabs Crusader-1 in the chest)
Crusader-1: (falls back and screams in agony) Lord, why!
Husband: You crusaders have fallen. Islam will control all!
(A sword stabs Husband in the back, and he falls down dead)
Sir George de Tromphe: The Muslims, though ambitious as they were, did not take over the world.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: (stabs Sir George de Tromphe in the side)
Sir George de Tromphe: (falls down)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Off in Eastern Asia, a band of barbaric barbarians were using brute force and strategic military attacks to conquer villages in the Holy Roman Empire.
Sir George de Tromphe: (stabs Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV in the back)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: (falls to the ground)
ACT I: SCENE II
(Opens with Khan-1 and Khan-2 with two citizens between them)
Genghis Khan: Kill him.
Genghis Khan: (points to Citizen-1)
Genghis Khan: But keep her. I shall have some fun with her.
Genghis Khan: (points at Citizen-2)
Citizen-2: Pig!
Genghis Khan: Albatross! Now tell my men to eat many a slave tonight. Tomorrow we're moving on to some oriental lands.
Citizen-2: Scorpion!
Genghis Khan: Hitler! We'll need our strength tomorrow. The fighting will be quite strenuous.
Citizen-2: Reebok!
Genghis Khan: Nike!
Khan-1: Come, prisoner! You shall die! By the hilt of my staff, by the prick of my blade, shall you fall before the feet of the Khans!
Citizen-1: No! Please!
Khan-2: Get over here. Off with your head!
Citizen-2: You suck!
Citizen-3: (slaps Genghis Khan)
Genghis Khan: She has slappededededed me! Kill them all! Kill them all now!
Khans 1 and 2: (stab Citizen-1)
Citizen-1: (falls to the ground)
Genghis Khan: Khans, attack!
Khans 1 and 2: (leap at Citizen-3 and tackle her to the ground)
Genghis Khan: (shouting along with the others) Yes yes, kill, kill!
ACT I: SCENE III
(Opens with Sir George de Tromphe and Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV walking in heavy coats with large backpacks on their backs, bike helmets on and sunglasses, both exhausted)
Sir George de Tromphe: It was quite a horrifying time in the early 13th century.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: 'twas indeed. Genghis Khan killed mercilessly. It was said that he took a noble from a Roman village, wrapped him in a carpet, and had him trampled to death by horses. Can you imagine?
Sir George de Tromphe: That is beyond barbaric! But I do believe 'twas Attila who did that dastardly deed.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Things would only get worse.
Genghis Khan: (from off-camera) You two, get back to work!
Sir George de Tromphe: I thought we were in 21st century England!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Apparently not.
Genghis Khan: Kill them!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oo, run, George!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV and Sir George de Tromphe: (dive out of sight as Genghis Khan and Khans 1 and 2 run on-screen, swords swinging violently)
ACT I: SCENE IV
(Opens with Sir George de Tromphe and Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV hiding in the trees)
Sir George de Tromphe: What happened?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I don't know! The way-back machine must have broken.
Sir George de Tromphe: I still do not understand.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Me either, George. My guess is that when we jumped the space-time barrier, we triggered a time-distorting electro-magnetic field that collapsed our link with the present and rendered the way-back machine useless.
Sir George de Tromphe: So we're stuck here?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: We are indeed.
Sir George de Tromphe: So what do we do!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Well... Luckily I read several texts on this period in history. The year is 1221.
(Long pause)
Sir George de Tromphe: And?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: What?
Sir George de Tromphe: Aren't you going to tell about this point in history?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I just did!
Sir George de Tromphe: No you didn't.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I did, too. I said that the year is 12221.
Sir George de Tromphe: 12221?!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: No, 1221.
Sir George de Tromphe: Then why did you just say 12221?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oh, that was a type-o in the script.
Sir George de Tromphe: 1221?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: No, 12221!
Sir George de Tromphe: Make up your bloody mind, Humphrey van Gordon IV!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I already did!
Sir George de Tromphe: Prove it!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: (takes off his bike helmet, revealing a mass of ketchup and mayonnaise in his hair)
Sir George de Tromphe: What did you do!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I made up my bloody mind!
Sir George de Tromphe: Why?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Well I tried making up my bloomin' mind, but the flowers kept falling out. Wait!
Sir George de Tromphe: Why?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I sense an ambush coming on.
Sir George de Tromphe: How can you tell?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I wrote the script.
Khan-1: We're found out!
Sir George de Tromphe: what do we do?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Scream like a little girl and exit stage left.
Khan-2: Get them!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Or was it stage right? Just go go go!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV and Sir George de Tromphe: (begin running stage left and are jumped by
Khans 1 and 2)
Khan-1: (stabs Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: (falls to the ground)
Khan-2: (stabs Sir George de Tromphe)
Sir George de Tromphe: (falls to the ground)
Khan-1: Allah!
Khan-2: Allah forever!
ACT II: SCENE I
(Opens with Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV standing in the woods with Khan-1 behind him)
Khan-2: (roughly guides Sir George de Tromphe over to Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV and Khan-1)
Khan-2: I can't get anything out of this one.
Khan-1: We'd better go throw them in the dungeon until feeding time.
Khan-1: (shoves Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV off-screen)
Khan-2: (shoves Sir George de Tromphe off-screen)
ACT II: SCENE II
(Opens with a view of Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV and Sir George de Tromphe standing in a shack full of boxes)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oh, woe is we!
Sir George de Tromphe: What do we do, George?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Humphrey?
Sir George de Tromphe: You're Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Quite right, quite right. We can't be killed.
Sir George de Tromphe: For someone at the top of his class at Cambridge, you are quite wrong. We're mortal, Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I know that, George. What I mean is that we shall change the course of history if we die 750 years before we're even born.
Sir George de Tromphe: Oh how dreadful!
Khan-3: (whispering) Ay, ay you's two.
Sir George de Tromphe: Did you hear that, Humphrey?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: It came from behind the shack.
Sir George de Tromphe: (walks over to the back of the shack)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Khan-3 and Sir George de Tromphe standing in back of the shack)
Khan-3: You's want to live, right?
Sir George de Tromphe: Yeah.
Khan-3: A simple yes or no will do.
Sir George de Tromphe: Sorry.
Khan-3: 'sall right. I will let you's go ifen's you's marry mah daughta.
Sir George de Tromphe: Oh Humphrey!!?? It's for you!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oh no, this is yours, George.
Sir George de Tromphe: I don't know. I love Shea.
Khan-3: But do you want to live?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: What good's living if you're dead, George.
Sir George de Tromphe: Alright.
Khan-3: Excellent, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Sir George de Tromphe: Ha ha ha!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: (runs on-screen) Ha ha ha!
Khans 1 and 2: (run on-screen) Ha ha ha!
Genghis Khan: (runs on-screen) Ha ha ha!
All: (continue laughing for several seconds)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oo, run George!
Sir George de Tromphe: "dives off-screen)
ACT II: SCENE III
(Opens with Genghis Khan standing between Khan-4 and Sir George de Tromphe)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV sitting between Khans 1 and 2 in folding chairs)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: So how's the world conquest thing going?
Khan-1: It's going good.
Khan-2: Yes, China will fall!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: No it won't.
Camera: (Cuts back to a view of Genghis Khan standing between Khan-4 and Sir George de Tromphe)
Genghis Khan: Nearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two SLAVES in unholy matrimony. Miss Chi-Tong Ku-Chang Khan, would you repeat after me.
Khan-4: After me.
Genghis Khan: Stop it!
Khan-4: Stop it!
Genghis Khan: Shut up!
Khan-4: Shut up!
Genghis Khan: Guards!
Sir George de Tromphe: Wait wait wait, go ahead Mr. Khan.
Genghis Khan: I, Chi-Tong Ku-Chang Khan, do hereby.
Khan-4: I thought I was Chi-Tong Ku-Chang Khan.
Genghis Khan: You are!
Khan-4: Then why did you just say you were?
Genghis Khan: Just repeat ok?!
Genghis Khan: (pauses for a few moments)
Genghis Khan: I, Chi-Tong Ku-Chang Khan.
Khan-4: I, Chi-Tong Ku-Chang Khan.
Genghis Khan: Do hereby give myself to this man.
Khan-4: Do hereby give myself to this man.
Genghis Khan: Whom without which.
Khan-4: Whom without which.
Genghis Khan: I am nothing.
Khan-4: I am nothing.
Sir George de Tromphe: I like these vows.
Genghis Khan: (turns to Sir George de Tromphe) Now would you repeat after me.
Sir George de Tromphe: I will indeed.
Genghis Khan: I, Sir George de Tromphe.
Sir George de Tromphe: I, Sir George de Tromphe.
Genghis Khan: Do hereby promise.
Sir George de Tromphe: Do hereby promise.
Genghis Khan: To make many babies.
Sir George de Tromphe: To make many babies.
Genghis Khan: And to sell them into slavery to support us.
Sir George de Tromphe: And to sell them into slavery to support us.
Genghis Khan: By the power of which I have because I'm "the man," I hereby pronounce ye man and property.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV and Khans 1 and 2: (applaud off-camera)
Genghis Khan: And now my wife will entertain us with her rendition of 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight'.