INTRODUCTION
(A clip of "Ninja Turtles II" in which Shredder goes flying through a window)
Camera: (Cuts to a view of Sir George de Tromphe lying in his bed, tossing and turning)
Sir George de Tromphe: Oh my, oh my! Oh, oh yes, yes, the tele, the tele.
Sir George de Tromphe: (picks up the telephone and dials quickly)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: (over phone) Hallo!
Sir George de Tromphe: Humphrey, Humphrey, I just had a dream about the Napoleonic empire!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: With a robot and a bunch of ninjas?
Sir George de Tromphe: How did you---.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Never mind, George. Say, was not the Napoleonic Empire shortly after the fabled French Revolution?
Sir George de Tromphe: Why yes, I do believe that is so! Say, would you like to discuss it over a spot of tea?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Why that would be exquisite! What time is it?
Sir George de Tromphe: A quarter till 4:00.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I say, let us meet at Reynolds' for a spot of tea!
Sir George de Tromphe: I dare say that Reynolds' is closed!
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Let us go to La Dennies.
Sir George de Tromphe: Very well. Good-bye, Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: So long, George.
(Camera cuts to a view of Dennies as a car drives up)
(Both Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV and Sir George de Tromphe walk into Dennies)
(After several seconds, both come running out and leap back into their car as a short man in a cloak waves a pointed stick at them)
Cloaked Man: You know come back! You keep out!
(Sir George de Tromphe's car speeds off)
(Title: "SHORT MEN, LONG SHADOWS: A CBS PRODUCTION"
Act I: Scene I
(Opens with several men laughing loudly around a table.)
Jean-Luc: My friends, I open this national convention with some dire news. It has come to my attention that some royalists are coming in from all sides.
Jean-Paul: I'll send Napoleon and some soldiers after them.
Jean-Luc: Good idea, Jean-Paul.
Jean-Paul: (runs off-screen)
Camera: (cuts to a view of three men walking through the woods)
Cheerleader-2: Shall we beat them or shoot them.
Cheerleader-1: Shoot them. You got the guns?
Cheerleader-2: Aye. Right here.
Cheerleader-3: (lifts BB gun)
Ninja-1: There they are!
Napoleon: Attack!
(Gunshots are heard as Cheerleaders 1, 2, and 3 dive for cover.)
Ninja-1: (walks on camera) Yes, they're retreating! All hail the hero of the hour.
Napoleon: (walks on camera) Yes, all hail me!
Act I: Scene II
(Opens with Napoleon and Ninja-1 laughing hardily)
Ninja-2: (runs on-camera) Orders from the Directory, Bonaparte. You're to lead an expedition to Italy to battle the Austrians. It seems that the Austrians have called you a frog-legged manic-nostalgic cheese eater.
Napoleon: Curse those Austrian monkey-trainers! May this victory ensure me a wife, and with it, the world!
Ninja-1: Shall we go at dusk?
Napoleon: No no. That's what they'll be expecting.
Josephine: (walks on-screen) Napoleon, I'm an agent of Austria. I have information valuable to the--.
Cheerleader-1: (pulls Josephine back off-camera)
Napoleon: Tang, get in uniform. Chang, get ready to attack!
Act I: Scene III
(Opens with Napoleon standing with Ninjas 1 and 2 flanking him)
Napoleon: Let us prepare ourselves.
Napoleon: (cracks his knuckles)
(Ninjas 1 and 2 do the same)
("Kung Fu Fighting" begins)
(When the "oh ho ho hoooo" ends, Ninjas 1 and 2 leap forward)
Camera: (Cuts to Cheerleaders 1, 2, and 3 as Ninjas 1 and 2 come running)
(Fight scene begins in which one cheerleader is knocked out)
(Fight scene continues until the other two cheerleaders are defeated)
Napoleon: (runs out on-camera as the music dies away) Victory is ours!
Ninjas 1 and 2: All hail France. Ah hoi, ah hoi, ah hoi!
Napoleon: Wait, where is that agent.
Josephine: Sorry, I left you three to be slaughtered when the attack began.
Napoleon: (walks over to her) It's that kind of attitude I want in a wife.
Josephine: (says nothing)
Napoleon: Well!
Josephine: I was establishing mood! I accept.
Ninjas 1 and 2: (off-camera) Oooooooklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain. And the, something, is something, (murmuring) down the plain! Ooooooooklahoma!
Act II: Scene I
(Opens with Horatio Nelson scowling)
Horatio Nelson: Come on, come on. You three were defeated so easily in Italy. Come on, come on!
Camera: (Cuts to a view of Cheerleaders 1, 2, and 3 doing push-ups)
Cheerleader-2: (drops to the ground) Admiral, I'm too weak! I can't do anymore.
Cheerleader-3: (drops to the floor) My make-up's not made for sweating!
Cheerleader-1: (does three more and then gets up) There, fifty, sir.
Horatio Nelson: Ah, see, she can do what I ask. Why can't you two!
Cheerleader-2: Because we're tired.
Cheerleader-3: And hungry.
Horatio Nelson: I must say I am hungry, too. Hungry for victory!
Cheerleader-3: I want some candy.
Cheerleader-2: Yeah, with lots of sugar.
Horatio nelson: (sighs) If you win I'll give you each a lollipop.
Cheerleaders 2 and 3: Yay! (run off)
Horatio Nelson: (to Cheerleader-1) Now, I'm counting on you to keep those two in line. Head off to Egypt. Napoleon and his army are there now. Destroy them. Give me victory!
Cheerleader-1: Ok. Will do.
Act II: Scene II
(Opens with Sir George de Tromphe standing somewhere in DHS)
Sir George de Tromphe: We interrupt this movie to bring you a segment we call: "very annoying and stupid pranks"
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: (claps off-camera) What have you got planned for us today, George?
Camera: (pans over to a Men's and Women's restroom and then back to George)
Sir George de Tromphe: Oh it's a splendid idea. Now, Humphrey, tape that girl over there while I set this up.
Camera: (pans over to Emily dancing around in the hallway)
Sir George de Tromphe: Ok, I'm ready.
Camera: (pans back to George who is standing between the men's and womens' restroom)
(On the Men's, there is a "wo" in front of the word, and on the women's, there is an "x" over the "wo".)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Oh, that is very sneaky, George.
Sir George de Tromphe: Wait, some people are coming. let us see what happens!
(In a few seconds, Robbie and Lauren walk up to the bathrooms)
(Both stare at each other for a second and then go into the right doors)
Sir George de Tromphe: What happened!
(Lauren and Robbie come out and walk off)
Sir George de Tromphe: Oh I've got another idea. Go tape that girl again while I fix it.
Camera: (pans back to Emily, dancing around in the hallway)
Sir George de Tromphe: Ok, I've got it.
Camera: (pans back to George in front of the restrooms)
(On the "men's" a sign reads: "THIS IS THE LADIES ROOM SO GO HERE NOW")
(On the "womens," a sign reads: "THIS IS THE MEN'S ROOM SO GO IN HERE NOW!")
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Of course! Now why didn't I think of that! Brilliance, George!
Sir George de Tromphe: Wait, someone's coming! Let's watch.
(Lauren and Robbie come back, look at the doors, each other, and back to the doors)
(Then both go in the wrong doors)
Sir George de Tromphe: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! It worked!!!!!!!! Haaaaaaaaa!!!!!!
Act II: Scene III
Announcer: When we last left Napoleon, he was battling the British in Egypt, trying to stop their trade and weaken their nation. However, a new force was on its way.
(Opens with Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 shouting really loudly)
Napoleon: The Brits are weakening, the Brits are weakening! Keep on!
(Ninjas battle with unseen soldiers for a few more seconds)
Cheerleader-1: Attack!
Ninja-1: What?
Napoleon: About face, turn turn turn!
(Camera cuts to a view of the three cheerleaders and General Horatio Nelson standing on the far side of the yard, I mean battlefield)
Horatio Nelson: Onward ye English! Vanquish the French!
Cheerleader-1: Yeah! (runs forward off-camera and begins fighting with the unseen ninjas)
Horatio Nelson: (to Cheerleaders 2 and 3) That means go!
Cheerleaders 2 and 3: Yeah! Go! (run forward)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 being beaten)
("Barbie Girl" plays)
(As the song hits the chorus for the second time, Ninja-1 falls to the ground)
(A few seconds later, Napoleon and Ninja-2 stagger off)
Act III: Scene I
(Opens with a city-scape of Denton as "Livin' It up" plays over it)
(Song continues for about forty-five seconds)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Sir George de Tromphe and Catherine sitting in the front and passenger seats in Emily's car)
Catherine: Oh here I am driving down the road.
(Several seconds of silence)
Catherine: We're driving down the road!
Robbie and John: (off-camera make engine noises)
Sir George de Tromphe: Napoleon managed to keep his defeat a secret. On November 9, 1799, he was appointed head of the military. The very next day, he drove out one branch of the legislature.
Catherine: Oh how dreadful!
Sir George de Tromphe: Dreadful indeed! As a result, the Directory was dissolved and Napoleon appointed one of three consuls. Napoleon soon took control of the consulship. France was still at war of course. England, Austria, and Russia rode up against France.
Catherine: Napoleon, being the general that he was, led his troops into battle. With his own mortality cast aside, he rode forth in the name of France! In the name of his land! In the name of his country!
Sir George de Tromphe: Car!
John and Robbie: (start making screeching noises)
John: Squad to base, squad to base, we're under attack.
Robbie: (making gun noises) We can't read you, squad. The transmitter's--.
John: Oh no, the--.
Robbie: Mayday, mayday!
("Livin' It Up" continues as the cityscape continues)
Act III: Scene II
(Opens with Napoleon standing with Ninjas 1 and 2 standing behind him)
Napoleon: Hark who is out there!
Cheerleader-1: Coward!
Napoleon: Sandwich!
Cheerleader-2: I suppose you think yourself mighty!
Napoleon: Why yes, I do.
Cheerleader-3: (comes down the zip line)
Ninja-1: Duck!
(All three duck as Cheerleader-3 passes right over them)
Cheerleader-3: (falls off and lands on the ground)
Napoleon: Get her!
Ninja-2: (grabs Cheerleader-3 and pulls her to her feet)
Cheerleaders 1 and 2: Attack, aaaaaaahhhhh!
(Fight scene begins in which Ninja-1 is knocked out by Cheerleader-2)
(Cheerleader-1 gets knocked out by Ninja-2)
Cheerleadder-3: Ok, ok, let us sign a treaty.
Napoleon: It suits me... For the time being at least.
Ninja-2: Do you here that, people? We are to sign a peace treaty!
(Cheerleaders 1 and 2 and Ninja-1 get up and get in a huddle)
Cheerleader-2: I forgot how to write.
Napoleon: Oh you're not important.
(After a few more seconds of murmuring, the group faces the camera)
Napoleon: It is so. Now, let us do a happy dance!
Ninjas 1 and 2: Happy dance!
(Russian dance song plays as the group does a happy dance)
Act III: Scene III
(Opens with Napoleon and Josephine Bonaparte standing by John's fence)
Josephine: Much congratulations, Napoleon! With the new constitution approved, you are in complete control of France!
Napoleon: Oh yes! 'tis quite an accomplishment.
Josephine: Yes, you have done what no man has done since the days of Caesar.
Ninja-1: Napoleon, Napoleon! A citizen has dared to violate your new taxation laws!
Napoleon: Blast! Bring them over this way. I want to torture them for the camera.
Ninja-1: (runs off and pulls Stephen on-camera)
Napoleon: You dare to not pay taxes?
Stephen: No speak English.
Napoleon: Good, because this is France!
Stephen: Ummmmm...
Josephine: Bring him this way!
Ninja-1: (guides Stephen across and back off-camera)
Napoleon: (gets down and steps up to the camera, turning to where Stephen is off-camera)
(Sounds of a power drill begin)
Napoleon: This is what you get for not paying your taxes!
Stephen: (starts yelling as the drill goes through an unseen wooden board)
Cheerleader-3: (walks on) Cool, look at all the blood!
Napoleon: You! Ninjas, get her!
Ninjas 1 and 2: (run past the camera)
Camera: (pans to a view of Cheerleader-3 running across the yard with Ninjas 1 and 2 close behind)
Act III: Scene IV
(Opens with Caller standing on the other side of a window)
Caller: Number 23, number 23!
(Ninja-1 walks up to the window and then heads on in through the door)
(Moments later, a blender is heard and a scream)
Caller: Number 24! Calling number 24!
Napoleon: (walks up to the counter) I am here!
Caller: Pope Puis VII is ready for you.
Napoleon: (walks through the door)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Pope Puis VII in a great hall, on a stage)
Pope Puis VII: Come forth, Napoleon.
Napoleon: (slowly walks down the long aisle and ascends next to Pope Puis VII)
Pope Puis VII: Napoleon de Bonaparte. On this day, the second of December in the year of our Lord, 1804, I hereby---.
Napoleon: (takes the crown from Pope Puis VII and places it on his own head) Emperor of France!
Camera: (cuts to a view of Josephine and Ninjas 1 and 2 scattered throughout the sanctuary applauding)
Pope Puis VII: Congratulations, Emperor.
Act IV: Scene I
(Opens with Bugs Bunny sitting on a chair)
Sir George de Tromphe: (from behind the chair) Napoleon tried to create a western empire like the British had in the 17th century, but he was unsuccessful. In addition, Napoleon attempted to conquer Hispaniola, the nation being a war-worn country. However, the slaves, who'd staged a revolt several years before, ended up being too much for them.
(A pillow knocks Bugs off the chair)
Sir George de Tromphe: (without stopping) Thousands of his troops died of Yellow Fever. Consequently, he sold the port of New Orleans to the United States for $15,000,000! Oh! He felt that the money could benefit him in his conquest of Europe. And oh, how it did!
Act IV: Scene II
(Opens with Horatio Nelson sitting at one end of a table)
Horatio Nelson: My friends. France has become quite powerful. Our second Coalition wasn't enough. I propose that England, Russia, Austria, and Sweden form a Third Coalition! Together, we can stop, must stop, Napoleon and his empire. France cannot and will not, gain control.
Cheerleader-1: (walks up to Nelson) Sir the pizzas are here!
Horatio Nelson: This meeting is adjourned! Pizza!
(Clip of "Ninja Turtles II")
Act IV: Scene III
(Opens with Horatio Nelson and Cheerleaders 1, 2, and 3 walking through the woods)
Cheerleader-2: Are we there yet?
Cheerleader-3: Yeah, I'm tired. I wanna sit down.
Cheerleader-1: Shut up! We're almost there! Do you want the French to hear us!
Napoleon: (off-camera) You Russian Austrian English pom-pom waving people! We hear you, and we shall conquer you. Onward French, attack!
Horatio Nelson: (runs out of the way just as Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 meet the cheerleaders)
("Kung Fu Fighting" plays as the ninjas beat the cheerleaders senseless)
Napoleon: (drags Cheerleader-1 to her feet) Take them all as prisoners!
Ninja-1: (grabs Cheerleader-2 who starts hitting him)
Ninja-2: (restrains Cheerleader-2 as Cheerleader-3 runs off)
Napoleon: Back to France, ninjas!
Act IV: Scene IV
(Opens with Napoleon and Josephine Bonaparte sitting on a couch with a newspaper in their hands)
Josephine: Quite a victory yesterday, Napoleon.
Napoleon: Why yes. This printed text is quite good. I shall fetch the slave girl to bring us some drink. Slave girl, oh slave girl?
Cheerleader-1: (walks out with a large bottle of water) What, Bonaparte.
Napoleon: I'll just take that! (takes the water bottle)
Cheerleader-1: Will that be all?
Napoleon: Yes, get back to work on my pyramid!
Cheerleader-1: (sweeps past the camera and off-screen)
Napoleon: (leans back) My dear Josephine, it appears that I am unstoppable. Now that I have parts of Italy and the Netherlands, Switzerland, Spain, Holland, and several other countries, I must now prepare for my next victory.
Josephine: What would that be, Napoleon?
Napoleon: Why, England of course. Those Austrian pigs---.
Josephine: British, Napoleon.
Napoleon: I am not British I am French, Josephine.
Josephine: I was born in Holland I'm not French, Napoleon.
Napoleon: There you go. Now, I must prepare our navy to fight.
Josephine: But wait, the British have a strong navy.
Napoleon: Yes, but I am more powerful. We shall be victorious!
Josephine: Very well. Good luck with the British, Napoleon.
Napoleon: I am not British I am French, Josephine.
Josephine: I was born in Holland I'm not French, Napoleon.
Napoleon: There you go.
Act IV: Scene V
(Opens with Josephine Bonaparte glaring at Napoleon)
Josephine: What is this crap! You're in love with some Austrian child?
Napoleon: She's eighteen!
Josephine: And you're thirty-six! For God's sake you're old enough to be her father!
Napoleon: I love her, Josephine!
Josephine: Well don't expect me to sit by while you go cheating on me!
Josephine: (runs off-camera and leaves Napoleon by himself)
Act V: Scene I
(Opens on the deck of Eureka Park with Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 standing with guns pointed out to sea)
Ninja-1: Still nothing, sir.
Napoleon: Blast! Where are those English-speaking sons of a carpet-cleaner?
Ninja-2: I'm not sure, Emperor. Wait, there they are!
Napoleon: Fire all guns, fire!
Camera: (cuts to a view of Horatio Nelson and one sailor firing guns wildly)
Horatio Nelson: Ah, they think they can out-maneuver the non-out-maneuverable!
Sailor: Yes, indeed.
Horatio Nelson: Take that!
Camera: (cuts back to a view of Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 firing)
Ninja-1: They've taken out half our fleet!
Napoleon: Fire on the flagship!
Ninja-2: Aye, sir!
Camera: (cuts back to a view of Horatio Nelson and the sailor)
Horatio Nelson: We've taken out half their fleet, sailor. Keep firing.
Sailor: Sir, look out!
Horatio Nelson: (goes falling off the ship)
Sailor: Nooooo! (goes off-screen on the zip line)
Cheerleaders 1, 2, and 3: (run over and kneel beside Horatio Nelson)
Cheerleader-1: Admiral, Admiral!
Cheerleader-2: Get up, Sir!
Horatio Nelson: Did we defeat the French, madam?
Camera: (cuts to a view of an empty deck)
Cheerleader-2: Yes sir, we have.
Cheerleader-3: Here, let's get him to the nearest medical facility.
Horatio Nelson: No! I'm mortally wounded. Just, just, don't let Napoleon overpower our forces. I'll die a happy man if his empire dissolves.
Act V: Scene II
(Opens with Napoleon with his head in his hands and Marie Louise at his side)
Marie Louise: It wasn't your fault, Napoleon. The British are powerful.
Napoleon: For Heavens' sake, I am powerful! I am power! England is the only thing that stands in my way of total domination of Europe.
Marie Louise: Well, you've gained control of Russia.
Napoleon: Russia? Ha! The only thing I got out of that was this novelty hat!
Napoleon: (picks up a Russian hat and chunks it at the camera)
Marie Louise: Well, as long as England trades with the new world, they will always be more powerful than you.
Napoleon: What did you say?
Marie Louise: No, I didn't mean it like that. You're the most powerful ruler---.
Napoleon: No no no! What you said! As long as they trade with the new world? My dear wife, you have just saved my empire! I shall form a blockade and block all trade with the new world. England will be weakened, and I will give Europe the chance to become self-sufficient!
Napoleon: (gets up and runs off-camera)
Marie Louise: Ummmmmm, ok. Hey, I want a towel.
(Towel is thrown onto the couch)
Marie Louise: Hey, I'm onto something! Now I want some candy!
(A bag of M and M's lands on the couch)
Marie Louise: Now I want a new wardrobe!
Sailor: (walks on-screen and hands Marie Louise a sign)
Marie Louise: (holds up the sign which says: "OUT OF ORDER")
Act V: Scene III
(Opens with "Toy Story" playing on a big-screen TV)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Catherine! The movie!
Catherine: (turns off the DVD and gets up in front of the camera) Oh, hallo! Catherine here. Napoleon's blockade was the first of three tragic mistakes which brought down his empire. To be able to shut out half of Europe with one fleet is kind of silly when you think about it. I mean, one country locking out the rest of the world. It's downright laughable. Anyhow, Napoleon was unsuccessful, but his attempted blockade did result in the War of 1812. But while England was dealing with the United States, Napoleon was dealing with Spain. Seems that the Spanish weren't too happy with Napoleon taking their king off the throne. As a result, Napoleon tried to force them to honor their new king, and thus was his second big mistake.
Act V: Scene IV
(Opens with Ninjas 1 and 2)
Ninja-1: Stupid Spanish! Joseph will rule! You must abide by the emperor's decree!
Cheerleader-2: We no want! We destroy French!
Cheerleader-1: French bad!
Ninja-2: You are but simple peasant folk. What harm could possibly befall the troops of the great Napoleon de Bonaparte?
Cheerleader-2: Hi ya! (Runs up and knocks Ninja-1 back)
Ninja-2: (meets Cheerleader-3 in time to grab her wrist) You're not going to play that annoying song, are you.
Cheerleader-1: Drive them from Spain!
Cheerleader-1: (runs up and starts hitting Ninja-2 as "Barbie Girl" plays)
Act VI: Scene I
(Opens with Napoleon, Ninjas 1 and 2 and Marie Louise sitting in chairs and on a couch)
Napoleon: I believe that Frederic I is deceiving us.
Ninja-1: What do you mean, Emperor?
Napoleon: Can't you see? He's allied with Poland.
Marie Louise: I fail to see how that is sufficient reason to be upset.
Napoleon: No one goes behind my back!
Sailor: (walks behind Napoleon's chair and passes until he is off-camera)
Ninja-1: So should we invade Poland?
Napoleon: Are you kidding? That country's worthless! No my friends, we need to invade Russia.
Ninja-2: I am sorry to bring this up sir, but many have lost their loyalty to you. Your craving for power is stressing our forces.
Napoleon: That's British talk! You two have stuck by me since day one! I don't need soldiers who don't feel loyalty towards me, towards us, towards France! Now... Are you or aren't you with me!
Ninjas 1 and 2: We're with you.
Napoleon: Excellent. Come, we shall leave at once!
(Napoleon, followed by Ninjas 1 and 2, get up and walk off)
Marie Louise: Oo boy. Austria's not gonna be happy about this.
Act VI: Scene II
(Opens with Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 with guns raised)
Ninja-1: Come fight, Russian spinners of thread used for knitting the stockings of which I wear under my uniform!
Camera: (cuts to a view of the three cheerleaders with guns raised as well) Cheerleader-1: Fall back, girls.
Cheerleader-2: What? Why!
Cheerleader-3: We can take them, Jenn!
Cheerleader-1: No, orders from Alexander himself. We are to retreat to Borodino and fight there.
Cheerleaders 2 and 3: But we don't want to!
Cheerleader-1: There's some football players in Borodino!
Cheerleaders 2 and 3: Yay! (Run off as Cheerleader-1 follows)
(Chase scene ensues in which the same two shots of each force run across a field)
("Kung Fu Fighting" plays over the shot until it stops on Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 staggering along)
Ninja-1: They've burned all the fields and slaughtered all the livestock!
Ninja-2: Looks more like a scorched-Earth policy to me.
Napoleon: Either way, we have to keep up. Moscow is near three rivers which would give me easy access to most of Russia.
Ninjas 1 and 2: Yes, Emperor, of course.
(Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 walk off-camera)
Act VI: Scene III
(Opens with Cheerleaders laughing at Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 as they reach them)
Cheerleader-3: Where are your guns?
Cheerleaders 1, 2, and 3: (lift guns and point them at Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2)
Ninja-1: We ate them.
Ninja-2: At least I got my lifetime's supply of iron.
Ninja-1: (suddenly goes low and knocks Cheerleader-2 to the ground)
("the Emperial March" plays as the six fight for several minutes with each gaining the upper hand at one time or another)
(Eventually, the cheerleaders make a retreat)
(Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 pursue)
Act VI: Scene IV
(Opens with Ninjas 1 and 2 gasping with horror)
Ninja-1: My God! Moscow's in flames!
Camera: (cuts to a close-up view of flames burning in a fireplace)
Camera: (cuts back to Ninjas 1 and 2 as Napoleon runs up to them)
Napoleon: You're joking, right?
Camera: (cuts back to the fireplace)
Napoleon: Oh my. We shall stay here for a time. I have no doubt that the czar, Alexander, will come for a peace treaty.
Camera: (cuts back to the flames)
Camera: (shows a poster: "FIVE WEEKS LATER...")
Ninja-1: Napoleon, we have been here for five weeks! The winter is coming! We're too late! We're going to die here!
Napoleon: Very well. Let us go back to France.
Ninja-2: Sir, I'm very sick. I can't make it back.
Napoleon: (pulls on Ninja-2's arm) You can and will, Ninja!
Ninja-2: Yes sir. (gets to his feet)
(Napoleon, Ninja-1, and Ninja-2 stagger off into the distance)
Act VI: Scene V
(Opens with Napoleon and Ninja-1 limping as they walk on)
Napoleon: I dare say it is hopeless, Ninja.
Ninja-1: Aye, I fear that we have retreated at too late an hour, Emperor.
Napoleon: We must go on!
Ninja-1: Of course, my liege.
Cheerleader-2: (jumps out and knocks Ninja-1 to the ground) Die French bottle-nosed pocket-picking plunderer of a German party barge!
Napoleon: (manages to get to a trot and staggers off-screen as Cheerleader-2 continues beating up
Ninja-1)
Act VII: Scene I
(Opens with Catherine spinning around in a swivel chair)
Catherine: (gets up and staggers for a few seconds) When Napoleon returned to France, his enemies took no time in taking advantage of his weakness. When Briton, Russia, Prussia, and Sweden formed the Fourth Coalition, Napoleon had hoped that Marie Louise, his wife, could at least keep Austria on his side, her being a noblewoman of the nation. But Austria joined the Coalition, and Napoleon was left alone. (mutters) Serves him the right the cheating little---.
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: (whispering off-camera) No, character shift, character shift, character shift bad. Stay in character.
Catherine: Oh dear. Er, anyhow, all of the great powers of Europe were now prepared to take Napoleon's empire away from him forever. The cheating little---.
Act VII: Scene II
(Opens with Napoleon sitting on a bench)
Ninja-1: (runs up to Napoleon) Sir, the Austrians, Russians and Prussians, they've reached Paris. Our army was crushed by the Coalition. They've penetrated the capital.
Napoleon: Fight, ninja, fight.
Ninja-1: No sir. We've lost, sir.
Napoleon: No we haven't! Fight!
Ninja-1: No, it's too late! Here they come!
Horatio Nelson and Cheerleader-2: (pull Napoleon from the bench)
Cheerleaders 2 and 3: (grab Ninja-1 and pull him to his feet)
Cheerleader-1: Surrender or die!
Napoleon: Oh fine! Ruin my empire!
Horatio Nelson: Napoleon, it was your lust for power that did this. Not us.
Napoleon: So what are your leader's terms for surrender?
Cheerleader-2: Alexander has ordered that you be banished to Elba, a small island off the coast of Italy.
Napoleon: Very well.
(The procession goes past the camera with Napoleon not kicking and screaming)
Act VII: Scene III
(Opens with Napoleon sneaking through some trees)
Napoleon: Ah ha! France! Ninja, ninja!
Ninja-1: (creeps up to Napoleon) Yes, Napoleon! You must help us. Louis XVIII is a big poopy head! This is your chance to reclaim your empire!
Napoleon: Yes, let us run!
Napoleon and Ninja-1: (run off-camera)
Camera: (cuts to a view of Napoleon standing on the deck with his crown back on)
Napoleon: I am emperor once again! I shall set right what the Bourbons have set wrong. But my ninja friend has told me that the Duke of Wellington is gathered an army to try to defy me once more. I will face him in the name of France, for the good of France. Now who's with me!
Ninja-1: (runs up) I am, Napoleon!
Ninja-2: (runs up) Yeah, me too.
Napoleon: Aren't you always. Ha! Onward men! To the village of Waterloo!
Ninja-1: Belgium?
Napoleon: Yes, Belgium. I'm hungry for some waffles!
Ninja-2: Let us go!
Ninja-1: Let us go!
Napoleon: Let us go!
Act VII: Scene IV
(Opens with Napoleon and Ninjas 1 and 2 creeping through the trees)
Duke of Wellington: There they are! By the trees!
Cheerleader-2: This is the nineteenth century. All of Europe's trees!
Duke of Wellington: Just get them!
Napoleon: Not again!
Cheerleader-2: (runs into Ninja-1 and starts fighting)
Cheerleaders 1 and 3: (run up and start attacking Ninja-2)
Duke of Wellington: (runs up and attacks Napoleon)
(No music plays as the two armies continue fighting for about a minute)
(Eventually, the two ninjas fall to the ground)
(Napoleon manages to make the Duke stagger long enough to run away)
Act VII: Scene V
(Opens with Sir George de Tromphe and Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV sitting at a table facing each other)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: I say, that was the longest dream I've ever heard, George.
Sir George de Tromphe: Oh yes. After Napoleon was defeated near Waterloo, was he not exiled again?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: Yes, indeed. He was sent to St. Helena, a small island in the south Atlantic. He lived there until 1821 when he succumbed to a dreadful stomach ailment. And even though his love for power drove him into exile, the man was still a military genius.
Sir George de Tromphe: Aye, quite right. Say, hearing you talk about that stomach ailment has made me hungry. What shall we eat?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: COOKIES!
Sir George de Tromphe: Yes, let us go to the market place!
Camera: (cuts to a view of Cheerleaders 1, 2, and 3, Ninjas 1 and 2, Horatio Nelson, Napoleon, and Josephine standing facing the camera)
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: When historians have historized for as long a time as I and my colleagues here have, there is but one thing that can ease the strain of the brain.
Entire Cast: And that is?
Sir Humphrey van Gordon IV: A HAPPY DANCE!
(The entire cast starts dancing around as a Celtic dance song plays over it)